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I feel like I'm coming out of a Dark Night of the Soul. For those are are unfamiliar with this term, it is a period in life of seemingly endless darkness and stagnation. Where the phrase came from, what context and so on is not within my knowledge. I found it within a book on Native American spirituality, but it could come from another source.

The message here is about self-power, will power, suffering, and one's life path.

Sunday night, after a wonderful day. I hadn't felt so happy in months. I think it was the fact I actually spent time outside, in pure sunlight that lifted my mood, since I got up early in the morning. But I got back to my room and began a conversation on line with a friend. She threw some provoking thoughts at me that made me lose control. She stated that spirituality is too important to me, and shouldn't be the center of my existence. She went further to say that I need to become a part of society and like it. If my spirituality goes against society, that it isn't healthy for me. What was most painful, is that she said I'm a being of light, but that my current path is destroying me. That I've been fading out...that she's afraid I'm just slipping. And she put all the blame on my spirituality.

The past few days in particular have been immensely painful. I was emotionally shattered to the point where I was tempted to walk away from life. Quite literally.

The hours passed by with me either crying or sleeping, everything at the moment is quite blurred. I impulsively took everything that had relation to my spiritual path and put it all away in boxes, in drawers or under piles of clothes. I couldn't bare to lay eyes on these things. Anything that reminded me of my faults was too painful to tolerate. Then I tried to convince myself that everything I believe in was a lie. My faith, my path. Everything. That I was a delusional girl making life overly complicated. That going my path was wrong and killing me. The last time I was this close to suicide was back in high school.

While I was questioning all my beliefs, my identity, the very purpose of my existence, I gradually began to think. How does she know what is right or wrong for me and my path? Spirituality isn't the center of her life, but it is the center of mine. I am a spiritual being, engaging in a physical existence...how can spirit be anything other then the center? Even though she is a dear friend, she has persistently been attempting to dissuade me from my path. She thinks if I attempt to become a Shaman I'll lose my mind. Its too dangerous for me. I have no right to pursue it. Or I could never achieve that level because I don't have enough power. I'm not the type of person who becomes a Shaman and therefore shouldn't try, because I don't understand.

But Shamanism does call to me, and it has for a long time. I once had delusions about being a grand recognized Shaman in society. The most enlightened soul on the planet. It was a VERY heart wrenching lesson to learn otherwise. I follow Shamanism because I honestly believe all animals and plants...all life is kin to my own. I want to communicate. I have the gifts and abilities, albeit they are not perfect. But I was enjoying the journey. What does it matter if I get to the end and realize I never became a true Shaman? I have grown closer to that which I love, and have heightened myself as a person in all ways. That is what matters to me.

So the lessons learned thus far, from this experience, is that only I can decide my path. Repressing it and trying to force it away is wrong to the very core of my soul. When I removed spirituality, I felt nothing. Life was empty and there was no purpose to exist. If pursuing spirituality gives me a reason to live, the damn it, whats so bad about that? Its what I love, and who I am. Allowing another person to make these decisions for you is giving away your personal power. Its not wonder I was so wounded and lost. If you hear the beating of another drum, or compose the drum beat your self, you should follow it, despite what others think. Despite whether or not society agrees. You don't have to conform if your values go against the values of the norm.

So I choose to live this life. I choose spirituality as my reason to live. I choose to take my chances and work toward becoming a Shaman, no matter the outcome. I choose to develop the gifts the Great Spirit gave me. I choose to reach people through this method. I choose to be who I truly am. For the first time in my life, I am making a decision that illuminates every core of my being, for myself, because it is the truth.