[Berta]

I am a 27 old male from South-Africa. I was raised in a Christian home and have been a believer of Christianity for most of my life. As a child, I vividly remember having an utter fear of death. It was later provoked with movies like Armegeddom and Deep Impact, which to me broke not just my spirit into fear but something which was strange was my fear was never as vivid when thinking about dying, more, it was should a global disaster take place which would kill everyone. I remember, each night in my bed I would pray for forgiviness (I was 12 at this stage) and the blessing of my imediate family members, as I feared should we all come to pass, I would never be able to see them again.

After my first alter call at church the fear went away, in an instant I had inner peace that should I die now, I would be going to the heaven my pastor spoke about. Time and time and again I would wonder off the "rightieous" path, as most people do, but I would then find myself in church again, ask for forgiveness and on I was again. After school I was convinced that I wanted to go into Theology, as I was convinced this was my calling. I cannot deny that I had a relationship, or best put, inner peace while I was a devoted Christian, but there has always been a level of frustration for me. I would do "church hopping" as there was always a boundary which I felt was crossed. Being it the way the church would spend its money, or the message not preached in context, or the ground between the poor and the rich, and the church not helping where I felt it was needed, I would get frustrated and leave. Then something inside of me one night while reading the bible, broke my spirit. I was in the new testimant and read about Jesus's preachings. A number of times while reading, I had this weird sense or irritism, esspecially when he would quote things like He was the only way to Heaven. Now, I have never been objected to Jesus, ever, but since then, whenever I read the bible I would get this inner anger when reading about Him.

My next revelation came to me when I smoked marijuana for the first time. It was a revelation because up to that stage in my life, I was brought up to believe that the herb has nothing good to offer, it would make me addictive and I would eventually die from it. I was almost made to believe that marijuana users would be considered "stupid". That night, a lot was opened to me because much like I was made to believe in Santa Clause as a child, and all the fairy tales, I realised that the same people who spread these tales to me, could have subjected me to a lot of other tales as well. Needless to say, I avoid alcohol now and smoke the odd occasional marijuana as I find it unleashed my creativity and allows me to explore beyond the mind set for me as a child.

Over the last years I have started to develop a need to understand the stars above us, and have watched documentary after documentary to understand the stary galaxies better, but more importantly to give myself peace at heart to indefinately proove that either life was created by luck or it had a devined moment of creation. Having watched a number of documentaries, I have started to believe the theory of a big bang, and found comfort with the idea that it may all have been created through that moment. In April, while sitting outside with a friend, in a moment the idea sprung to me, that if we were all created through a bang, that would mean that our lives are today residue of a big explosion. My existance as a whole shook, I got hot flashes, I looked at everyone around me, everything, and asked "What are we?". I was shaken beyond belief, I knew that what I have just made sense to would take a lifetime to not understand, and because it was to the core of my existance, how could I question my own existance if logically it cannot make sense to me?

For the next couple of days, this idea surrounded each thought I would think about. I understood that this "theory" would not be able to be proven, and I understood that this uncertainty would eventually drive me insane. Within the next couple of weeks I started to look at the world from a different angle, I looked at cats and birds and wondered about the creation of this creatures, these creatures which does not follow my same chain of thought, or my paterns, it does not go to work nor makes finances its keystone to a healthy life, yet, it still breathes the same air I do and it in principle will require a certain amount of stability to be able to thrive in its natural surroundings. It was not until I was focusing on a plant growing in a greenroom that life restored dignity to me. Looking at this plant, it grows without hesitation, a plant, without eyes and ears or a mouth to speak, will have the bare neccesities to grow tuck inside of its shell. It will receive water in soil and it will start it's lifespan. The plant will never hesitate to grow, it will never keep a stockpile of resources, nor will it use more than what it requires. It will at all times grow with trust, trust that whatever, or whomever, is keeping it alive, will provide it with what it needs to keep it alive. It was this moment where I realised that our existance, or bodies and our minds, are all linked together. I realised we're all part of the perfect creation, and that we're all apart. The same oxigen consumed by a cat, will be consumed by me. There is but nothing seperating us, and some elements keeping us apart.

After I realised this, it all made so much more sense. I realised that in our existance we're not the man or woman or human, we're not from this world, nor this galaxy. We're part of everything, we're as much everything as everything is us, and everything may be nothing at the end. The biggest revelation came with if we're nothing, the only key differences would be our mind, what seperates us, and our emotions. My existance is what I think about, what I decide to consume my day with, and my thoughts would turn into actions. As all of my thoughts are controlled by emotions, I could stop and say that there really is only 2 emotions seperating eachother. That is the emotions of love and hate. We decide what patterns we want to live by, and as our emotions will determine or thoughts which evolves into actions, I looked back at the plant, and I realised for the first time in my life that the plant lives by obeying trust, and trust at its core is love. If I trust I must live in love, and if I live a life filled with love, I must have the dignity to trust. This overcome my fears, this enlightment if I may call it this gave me such an amazing reflection of myself and what my destiny is. I realised that no religion can survive because we created it, and we cannot measure ourselves up to the power of the creator. I realised that life in itself is gift enough for me, and it would be forward of me to expect something more after it. I realised that I was trusted with my life, and my role is now to live a life filled with love, compassion and dignity to others, even if I don't receive it in return.

I wanted to introduce myself to you, as I have started reading some Buddhism material and to me internally I feel the Buddist teachings is as close to home as I am now. I realised that with the life long decisions I am making now, I will need guidance and wisdom, and hopefully be able to offer the same in return. I welcome any thoughts upon my post above as I don't know everything, but I do know that I am on a road which may lead to inner peace to myself and those around me.