[craditc]

alright. thanks for clearing some things up for me, guys. I should probably give up trying to find stability in life, since there never will be any at all. After about 3 rough years of unfortunate events and harsh and sorrowful relationships, I'm just at a stage in life where I'm beginning to wonder if such life is worth the suffering, as hamlet said once to himself:

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing end them. To die, to sleep--
No more--and by a sleep to say we end
The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to. 'Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished.

I find this part of Hamlet's train of thought to be charged with Buddhist ideology; To end suffering. I don't wish to die, if that's what you're thinking. If I wanted to die, I would have already done so. But I feel trapped in this mortal coil called the body, and in this turbulent sea called life. My mind is tired of racing at a million miles per hour and tired of dealing with arguments, losses, anger, stress; Of always having to be right, and of being wrong. And most of all fear, the most fatal demon to invade one's presence. There is a longing for peace, silence, stability, permanence. It is ironic, however, because at the same time there is a fear of being stuck in the peace, silence, stability, permanence for all of eternity. like I want to put a rope around myself and go into the black void so I can come out safe and sound to finally be able to enjoy music again, to love my work, and to be carefree once again. But I know that's not possible, to tie a rope around oneself and come back from it. So It's a dramatically comedic situation: I'm scared of what I want. That's why I started Buddhism, really.

So this is a crisis, indeed. But in my search for a teacher, I found a wise man who said that great opportunity comes from crisis. In the times where we are most desperate, we are most ripe for positive change. Yes I am scared of boundless emptiness (the physical one, not dependent origination) that could swallow me whole and be the end of me. But this doesn't stop me. I did not choose ScaredOne as my name out of pity, and I do not sit in bed feeling sorry for myself and regretting the past. I chose the name because it is the truth. I AM scared of what lies ahead in my spiritual journey, but that won't stop me.

Regarding buddha nature: I've listened to Ajahn Brahm several times. Not only does he have a comedic attitude that actually makes me laugh, when most things in Buddhism still scare me, but he spoke of the Jhana meditation. I'm interested because he spoke of not feeling body and losing the mind. I want to ask you how I go to Jhana. I'll plug my ears and cover my eyes with a cloth. But if any of you can tell me what process should I go mentally to achieve Jhana, That would help even more.

Thank you.