[AndreasLV]

Many people expect/understand that Dhamma is special, and we have to do special things for practicing Dhamma, so that we will obtain a special thing at the end. In fact, Dhamma is normal, simple and natural, so practice Dhamma is also normal, simple, natural and not difficult or complicated. But many people like to expect something special and overlook simple things so they do not find Dhamma.

What happened to you is not strange. Many people I know (and I) had this similar experience. What you did is very good and on the right track to do meditation for Vipassana.

1. When the observation is made, there are two things, i.e. the “object” to be observed and the “knower” which observes the object.

You practice to observe your thoughts, reactions, inner thoughts without judgment. All of these things are objects, and you can feel about the objects. Please add one thing. You should also feel about the knower (or the observer). But do not use your knower (or observer) as the object. Just feel about it existence and know that there is the knower which observes the objects.

2. If you feel “an act of benevolently dividing yourself into aspects of yourself within your mind”, it is correct. The Buddha taught that life comprises aggregates. The way to see and understand this clearly is to truly feel/see separated aggregates in real (not just thinking by brain). If we do not see separated aggregates, we will not understand why the Buddha said so. So, feeling or seeing (not by eyes, but by mind) division of yourself into aspects is the right way. However, please be careful that you have to feel or see (not by eyes, but by mind) them, not just thinking about them. Thinking is by brain and not deemed practicing.

3. Observing the objects in your body and mind is the way to create “Sati” (awareness). After you can observe the objects, i.e. your thoughts, reactions, inner thoughts, without judgment and without desire to adjustment on them, you are neutral to the objects.

If you like and want to keep any feeling or emotion, the current object to be observed is your like or your desire to adjust them. If you dislike and want to change or stop any feeling or emotion, the current object to be observed is your dislike or your desire to change or stop them.

When you focus on the breathing, please do not put your mind into the breath. Your mind is the knower or observer, your breathing body or the breath is the object. If you put your mind into the object, there is no observation. Why do we focus on breathing? So that it is easy for us to know once the object is changed (from the breathing body or the breath) to another object.

4. I hope you may now understand more on the observation. Next step I will explain how the wisdom is created by Vipassana. “Wisdom” herein does not mean peace or clam (that will be for Samadhi, not for Vipassana). Wisdom herein means seeing (again, not by eyes) our mind and body truly and our mind accepts their true conditions/natures. Wisdom is created by we see the three characteristics common to all conditioned things (Samannalakkhana) in our body and mind (which are objects in our observations).

The common characteristics are:

- ‘Anicca’ meaning our body and mind is unstable and impermanent. It breaths in and then has to breaths out. It has to breath. Parts of body have to move from time to time. Our feelings change all the times. Our thinking change all the times.

- ‘Dukkha’ meaning our body and mind cannot standstill. It is difficult for them to stay in the same condition but have to change all the times, so, they are suffered. If they are not suffered, they will be able to stay in the same condition for long or forever.

- ‘Annatta’ meaning our body and mind are not self. We cannot control them. If we can truly order and control our mind, we should order it to think about only happy matters and do not think about unhappy matters for our whole life. But, in reality, we cannot do it. Our body moves by it own, works by it own and feels by its own. We do not order our body to breath, it breaths by its own. We do not order our heart to beat, it beats by its own. We do not order our mind to think, it thinks by its own. We do not order our mind to change the objects, it changes the objects by its own.

By feeling/seeing (by our mind not by thinking) these three common characteristics truly on our body and mind, one day in the future, our mind have sufficient knowledge and wisdom, our mind will truly accept and understand that our body and mind are ‘Anicca’, ‘Dukkha’, and ‘Annatta’, and our body and mind are not ours. For a person who reaches to this stage, his mind understands and accepts the Four Noble Truth in the beginning stage, and we will call him/her as the “Stream Winner”. As a practitioner, we should set our goal to achieve at least the Stream Winner in this life.

The Stream Winner will continue practicing the same and gain more wisdom, until one day he can drop the attachment on his body. We will call him the "Non-Returner". The Non-Returner will continue practicing the same and gain more wisdom, until one day his mind truly and wholely understands and accepts the Four Noble Truth, then he can drop the attachment on his mind. We will call him "Alahan". Then, he finishes his work in Buddhism.

We do not force or control our mind to drop attachments. By doing that we do it to support another desire or attachment, we will have to drop such another desire or attachment, this will be never ending. They way of Buddhism is that we teach (or train) our mind to have wisdom. Once it has sufficient wisdom, it will drop attachments by itself (and we also cannot prohibit its dropping).

5. So, in brief, the practice (for Viappassan) from the beginning until the end of the route is to observe our mind and body. Observation is easer than adjustment. If I ask you to observe a football match, it is easier than I ask you to go to join such football match and change the score as needed. However, many people do not want to see the real things but want to adjust the things and see the things as they like. They like to see only good things, and dislike to see bad things, so they adjust them. That is made by desire.

I intentionally explain the whole route above so that you can see the clear route to go. At this stage, do not expect too far. Otherwise, you may practice by desire. If you have desire, it is not good for practice. If you have desire, and you may aware of or observe it, your mind will be neutral to it and it will not be able to control you. So, please continue your practice and just add one thing as I mentioned in 1. above. If you have additional questions, your questions are welcome here.

Kind regards