[Imalaycle]

Wow.

That is the first word that came to my mind. I am telling the truth when I say that you guys are so much more forgiving and warm than most of the Christians that I have ever known. I only compare the way you react to me to Chrstianity because I used to be a devout Christian and I never was treated with as much kindness as I have been treated with by you guys.

I am not used to not being judged. Aloka-D, soundtrack, Kaarine, Karma, and ratikala, thank you all so very much for the very helpful and encouraging responses to what I said.

All of your comments helped me. I have not mentioned this before but I would like to share that I do suffer from an anxiety disorder. I think that part of the reason I have been obsessing over being too immoral or being unforgivable has a lot to do with this mental illness that I have. I have what is called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I have it under control now for the most part. I was diagnosed about 7 years ago. I started to notice it when I was around age 18 and now I am 25 years old.

OCD makes the sufferer have what is called pathological doubt. I doubt a lot of things. I have gotten a lot better though. I used to be very mentally ill from it.

An example of how I still get nagged by OCD would be, I feel assured now that the "f you thought" about Buddha would be forgiven. My mind popped up with something like "well what if you called Buddhism "bull sh" instead of the "f you" thought. Then my mind starts reeling over whether or not Buddha would forgive me saying that Buddhism is "bull sh".

I know that this is silly. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is always very silly and makes no sense. I just wanted to share this with all of you so that you would better understand why I worry so much. I hope that makes sense. One reason i'm so attracted to Buddhism is because I have mediated before and it calmed me so much. However, I havn't done breathing meditation in a long time.

ratikala,

I want to answer your questions.

I am honestly not sure what kind of Buddhism appeals to me the most. I do think Zen Buddhism seems interesting because I love Japan and am currently studying Japanese. I do not know which type of Buddhism is best for me. I am very open to any suggestions

The only book that I have read a lot of is this book by a woman named Jacky Sach. The book is called, The Everything Buddhism Book.

This is the same book that I think I threw when I got mad that one time.

I hope my message is not confusing. If it is then please ask me to clarify. I feel very lucky to have met such nice people as all of you. Thank you very much for all of your encouragement and advice.

I hope that I have not taken too long to respond.