[UrUROFlS]

Hi David002,

It is brave of you to express your feelings and your concerns here in this Buddhist forum. It's heartening to see that several people have posted ideas, suggestions and support. In my own opinion, the advice you got in post #2 is really valuable and commendable. Please do read it again and take it on board.

The purpose of my post is to share with you my experience of coming to Buddhism. In some ways it's similar to your situation, what you are describing in your first post. In all the details, my story is different from yours. Yet I think underlying it there is some important common ground.

Two or three years ago, I was emotionally very isolated. I didn't care for anyone's company and I wanted to stay that way. Internally, I felt that I really didn't like anyone at all. What strikes me is how you describe how much anger you feel towards racists and Christians. It has echoes of how angry I was at that time myself. I had an internal struggle going on but I didn't clearly know where it was coming from or what it was all about.

Someone I knew suggested that I start attending a Buddhist meditation group. I started going to see whether it might help me settle down the turmoil in me. I went for the meditation, not for the Buddhism. Sometimes the meditation ended with a "Loving-Kindness" practice. I joined in superficially but I felt nothing at all. I really could not bring myself to think loving thoughts to anyone.

I kept on going to the group none the less, and after more than a year, I noticed that it had all become a little easier and that I felt settled and I had overcome the internal anger that I felt. From that new position, I have been able to gradually improve my meditation practice and begin to understand, really understand, the meaning of the four noble truths.

It takes a long time, it takes patience and it takes persistence. You can do it. I'm still on the way.

If you have the opportunity of joining a local Buddhist community and mixing with people off-line, you may find it beneficial. Not everybody is in a position to do that. I don't think anyone can learn and experience everything from the written word and from on-line contact. It helps but it's not the whole deal.

I wish you the very best fortune on the journey you have started. Don't worry too much about the anger you feel internally, it will drop away of its own accord when you start to take some steps in a good direction.

Woodscooter.