[Doncarlito]

As some of you know. I am new to Buddhism, so I guess this is the right forum where I should post this. I hope that what I have written does not offend anyone. I am very sorry if I will offend anyone. Please let me know if you think this is appropriate to share. I just felt like I needed to write this out. I don't like dealing with negative emotions. In hindsight i'm not sure if I should have posted this, but I am going to leave it up hoping someone can relate.

I want to tell you guys about something that is really bothering me. I can't think of a better place to express what i'm feeling than a Buddhist website. To explain what i'm feeling I think I need to start off by explaining some background of why I feel the way I do.

When I was born my dad was a Protestant Christian Minister. He was a United Methodist Minister. I grew up for the most part as a preachers kid. I was taught about the Christian idea of God and heard about it a whole lot growing up. I was required by my family to go to church on Sundays. I forgot to mention that I was also born in the south of the USA and grew up mainly in small towns in North Carolina where there was a whole lot of racism. For most of my childhood I grew up believing that black people were less important than white people. I even used the n word and when I was in middle school I drew a confederate flag and kept it on my bedroom door. I hated black people. For some reason I never had a problem with any other races for the most part. My mom and her side of the family was particuraly racist. Not all of them were but there are a lot of them who were. My dad is not very racist but I identified with my moms family the most growing up. My moms mother and grandmother are and were very racist.

My dad left the United Methodist Church and we moved down to Florida. He left the United Methodist Ministry and was still a preacher though because he started his own church in Florida. The new church didn't do so well so he ended up giving up being a preacher. I gradually stopped being racist as I got older. Getting out of North Carolina really helped me to get rid of my racism. As an adult I don't feel racist much at all. I maybe am a tiny bit because of the childhood exposure against black people but I fight against those thoughts or feelings because I know they are wrong.

I am struggling because I am still living with my parents and they are still both devout Christians. My mom is racist and it really gets under my skin. She says racist things and it makes me angry. I have a lot of anger right now. I also have a bad self image because I am overweight and have struggled with my weight for most of my life. I got made fun of a lot as a kid. I also did my share of bullying. I guess I was just taking out my anger on people who had nothing to do with hurting my emotions.

I suppose i'm getting a little side tracked writing this. I just feel like a terrible person. It is thanksgiving day here in the states and i'm feeling horrible. I have a hard time getting along with my parents. I honestly have a lot of hate against Christianity. I know that is wrong and is harmful to me, but I just feel this way. In the past I have known Christianity intimately. I have been a Protestant Christian and i've also been confirmed as a Roman Catholic Christian. Right now I am studying Buddhism and want to be Buddhist. However, I do not know what I should think about my anger and hate towards Christianity. I hate the hypocrisy of Christians who claim to love Jesus and have absolutely no problem with forcing their beliefs on others and starting wars in the name of God. I just don't know a better way to explain why I feel the way I do. However, I don't hate all Christians. I do not hate my family. I just have so much negativity in me right now. I also feel like i'm a very lustful person. I may have a lot of flaws.

With all of that said. I don't want to have hatred or anger in me at all. I want to get rid of these negative emotions because they are in the way of me becoming Enlightened. I also know that hatred is harmful to society. I do believe that all races are equal and science supports that.

I feel like a terrible person, and I am ashamed of myself. Maybe it is because of the holiday today. I don't know.

I just want to say a few words to you.

You are a very brave person. I feel that you have struggled hard and struggled alone, with little or no help from your family, to rid yourself of feelings that you know to be terribly wrong and which, from a spiritual standpoint are entirely counterproductive.

You have fought against something that, due to ignorance of your parents and theirs and their community, was placed into your mind when you were far too young and helpless to do anything about it. When you're 2 years old you depend on your parents for absolutely everything in the world. They are God to you; they hold the power of life and death over you. What they tell you about the world heavily influences the way you see the world.

Despite that you came to understand that racism degrades you as much as it might harm other beings.

As for your hate of Christianity, the way it has been practiced by members of your family and others close to you is clearly far out of line with that Jesus actually taught. I am not a Christian but, I can find no fault with what Jesus stated on issues of morality. So, why hate the religion itself as the collection of what Jesus said; his words alone are not propagating wars, racism, sexism, income inequality, or globalization. In fact, it's pretty clear that Jesus, were he alive today, would oppose all of those things. Those who are charged with carrying out his words, his ideas, have managed to pervert them and use them to harm beings.

Ignorance is the thing to hate. As Shantideva said, if someone were to shoot you with an arrow do you hate the cause of your pain? No, you don't hate the arrow at all. Then why hate the shooter, who was, no doubt propelled by ignorance, craving, clinging, etc. to commit this deed. Naturally it's hard to reach that point in our moral development, but we can keep trying.

And yes, please just consider all the wonderful things you've done, your struggles to cast off negative mental states, your triumph in achieving the kind of mind that would even consider the practice of Buddhism, given your history, and upbringing.

Anyway...I hope you enjoyed something about Thanksgiving and I hope you also feel great love and compassion for your family, who want the same thing as you do, ultimately....happiness.