[icerrelmCam]

In truth FBM a lot of it comes from the fact that I'm looking for an answer and when I can't find an answer I get depressed. Further reflection and reading Ajahn Sumedho's book made me realise that even if I find things that are leading me in the direction of that answer I'm somehow not worthy of it. That other people who are looking for that answer who I encounter judge me as being socially unworthy of looking for it with them. A lot of it came down that due to my background I feel I have nothing in common with the kind of people I meet at Sangha's and they just think I look a stupid, hard faced thug. It started out as minor worry and worked itself up in a negative feedback loop because I focused on it.

Tonight I felt - just whats the point of someone like you looking for the "truth" just go back to spending your days half drunk and playing video games, no ones going to accept you as someone who is seeeking.