[N1bNXuDb]

Traveller, you're worthy. You're a human being with a brain and 5 senses. That's all it takes to be "worthy." If someone else makes you feel unworthy, that's their limitation and their error. No reason to be concerned about it, because there's nothing you can do about it. That's their project to deal with.

If you make yourself feel unworthy, that's your limitation and error. Again, there's no reason to worry about it, because you CAN do something abou it. That's your path at the moment. You'll solve this problem and move on to the next issue in due time. Don't push too hard or relax too much. Find the right effort for YOU, regardless of how others practice.

Short story: About 20 years ago in TN, there was an ad in the classifieds inviting Buddhists to a weekly gathering. I went. There were about 6 people there besides me, but the 'principal' characters were:

The hosts - a (forgive the expression) yuppie couple. They had all the cliche yuppie trappings.

Their friend - a middle-aged, middle-class (forgive the expression) hippie, with tie-dyed t-shirt, flowing multi-colored skirt, beads, etc.

A Chinese woman, dressed very drably, somewhat overweight, just passing middle age. No visible signs of having much money.

An Asian (forget his nationality) man, late twenties, also drably, but neatly clothed, also no signs of having much money.

The yuppie couple rang a bell, welcomed everybody and made some comments about how wonderful everything and everybody was, etc. Then announced that we would start with a meditation session, to be followed by conversation. They rang the bell again, etc.

After meditation, the yuppie couple and their friend dominated the "discussion." It became clear that they were there to bestow their enlightened lovingkindness on us lesser beings who were just visiting, and our role was to be grateful and admiring of them. Seriously. I'm not exaggerating. They just traded abstract and vague, feel-good, group-huggy, warm-and-fuzzy comments back and forth among themselves, praising the Buddha, talking about metta, compassion, the value of being human, etc etc.

Well, the young Asian guy (a med student) didn't quite get with the program, because he started talking about his own, real-life, concrete experiences about struggling to develop compassion for his superior in the hospital where he was training. The guy seemed to enjoy making the Asian guy's life a nightmare.

The hosts and their friend maintained picture postcard poses of serenity, compassion, etc, throughout the Asian guy's talk. Then the Chinese woman made some suggestions to the Asian guy about how to deal with his problem. They talked for a little while, and I was just watching the whole scene unfold.

Well, the hosts and friend seemed to start feeling as if they'd lost the spotlight, I guess, because they interrupted the discussion with something like, 'Well, maybe that would be a better topic for after the meeting.' Then they rounded off the meeting with more cliches and posing, noses stuck up in the air and all. As we were leaving, they almost physically herded us out, locked the door, got in their Volvo and left.

Now, the meeting and their whole performance was obviously designed to give them a chance to praise themselves. Their condescending demeanors and refusal to 'get personal' with anyone made that clear. But what is Buddhist practice if it's not personal? What is a sangha if it's not for mutual, personal support for each others' paths?

I went back once more and saw the same self-absorbed, "look-at-me-and-wish-you-were-as-enlightened-as-I-am" performance repeated.

'Fine,' I thought. 'That's what they're interested in and it's their group. Let them have it.' I never went back. Instead, I talked to the Asian guy outside and we wound up having a very long 'real' discussion that lasted most of the afternoon.

I think you're going to find posers wherever you go, Traveller. There are always people who are stuck on feeling superior. That's their burden. If I were you, I wouldn't attach to their frame of mind or play the role they set up for you. If you get something worthwhile out of those gatherings, keep going. If they bother you more than helping, don't go. Practice alone. Extending metta to people like that is a very difficult and advanced skill, in my experience. Sometimes it's enough just to refrain from nurturing animosity towards them.

I get the impression that you have some pressing internal issues to work on right now. In my experience, I found it necessary to prioritize my issues. I felt I had to get some things right in my head before I could extend my practice to my relationships in the outside world. Eventually, that did happen, but only after I found that trying to rush to the advanced stuff without getting my mind right first got me nothing but more stress.

Wow. I didn't mean to write that much. Sorry! Hope it wasn't too epic. Or condescending.