[estelle]

Hello,

I'm not very familiar with Buddhism, and feel that too much spiritual guidance could cause me to stray off of my own path, and towards somebody else's. Though I highly value wisdom.

I have been meditating since I was a little kid, although it wasn't until much later that I realized that what I was doing was actually meditating. I've recently come to some realizations, and am seeking input.

I've recently come to the realization that I am not worthy of enlightenment. Simply put, I have not suffered enough to be worthy of enlightenment. This is somewhat nerve-wracking, as I was under the impression for a long time that my suffering was "winding down" and that it was all down hill from here. The thought of more suffering makes my stomach sink, but I know that it is necessary.

So logically I ask myself, how do I experience suffering? Should I seek it, or should I let it find me? I was thinking about a hermitage...but I am worried that it may be the wrong choice. It would mean putting off going back to school even longer...something that would disappoint my family. I would hate to do this and have it be for nothing...but otherwise I'm going to be busy for the next 4 years with school.

So I'm torn. Should I listen to the universe (which could very well be my own madness)? And if so, is going on a hermitage how I should go about experiencing suffering? Or should I dedicate the next four years of my life to my education.

Of course I don't expect answers to these questions, but any advice that you can give would be appreciated.