[insoneeri]

hey y'all...thank you so much for all the kind responses, and I'm so sorry I didn't respond. I wasn't ignoring them, just going through a hell of a rough time...I read this thread from time to time, and that a group of complete strangers would care enough to write two pages of responses really touched me even when I was feeling like my heart was closed...thank you so much!!....

I didn't go into this in the initial post, but I'm currently seeing a doctor because I had been on a medication called Abilify, which I had requested because I used to feel spaced out all the time (even though I've never done drugs.) My doctor said months back that she thinks I could get off it and be fine, and she's been lowering the dose slowly. Well...come to find out it was actually having a antidepressant/heart-numbing effect on me...going down on it was like woah...I'm having all these crazy feelings, all of a sudden: grief, anger, despair, loneliness, and above all craving for anything that could relieve it...the past two months were like my heart was getting wrung out with a tremendous amount of torque, so much so that my face was contorted into an expression of despair/rage most of the time, and people who didn't know me well would just steer clear out of...I felt it was fear...which caused me a lot of pain, too, when I wanted human connection so badly and had no intention of hurting anyone, even with words. I was so focused on "holding my pain nobly," and being skillful with others even in my suffering, that regulating my facial expression was about 10th on my list of things to do, too, when around other people....I just didn't have the energy to spare.

I'm now on what I think is generally the lowest-dose pill of Abilify that is manufactured (5mg)...gonna halt it here for a while...let myself recover. I am so, so thankful for all the kindness you folks have shown over the past few months. I hope one day I can be in service too....for now I'm sticking to a few low-stress things....giving blood, being kind, proof-reading a friend's book...

Huge gratitude-vibes to all of you guys!!

Seeuzin