[beenBinybelia]

Hi
I've only just joined this forum, and one reason for doing so (and not the only one!) was with the hope of getting some clarity for myself on a situation I am in. I've just been reading other posts about difficult relationships and that were really interesting, and relates in some way. I am about to divorce the father of my son, and due to his violence and extensive deception (its a long story!) I am going for requesting no access to my son. This may not happen eventually, of course, as it is for the court to decide, but it seems likely they'll grant it.

I will try to summarise the important points - so far he has not been a reliable, caring or responsible father, or partner. Throughout the relationship I tended to be understanding and forgiving as problems came up, as I believed then that he wanted to be a family. With hindsight I would have dealt with things differently as he essentially then took advantage and deceived me on several levels. I have always had an interest in Buddhism and since I removed myself from the situation I have got a much clearer view, and I'd say I'm almost there in forgiving both myself and him (by 'myself' I mean for ignoring my gut instincts and allowing myself to be treated badly, I felt some anger with myself about that soon after).

I'm now left with having to make a decision on whether to actively cut my son's father out of my son's life. There are visa implications here - I expect he will be able to remain in the country for other reasons though he is currently here on a spouse visa, on the basis of the marriage.

I am almost certain about asking for no contact. Though I haven't quite got my head around where compassion fits in to this, and don't feel entirely comfortable with it. I try to practice Buddhism in my thoughts and actions - yet I still have a lot to learn. I suppose I'm trying to understand what compassion really is. I let the hurt and the bad feelings go a while back, and started meeting up with him so he could see our son. But that was difficult, he lied to me, didn't show up on time, still tried to get me to do things to help him out (draft letters, applications etc) while evading any kind of financial help for me and our son.

I am clear on my boundaries now, though am unsure how to balance my instinct to protect my son from the same kind of treatment against his right to know his father. I feel completely indifferent to my ex now, I can see how circumstances etc in his life have contributed to the way he is now and have accepted that he is the person he is. If it was just me I would have walked away and let it all go - I can't look on it negatively as the experience has taught me so much, and on many levels. I'm just concerned about how my actions at this point in time will affect my son in the future.

I don't expect anyone to predict that, but I'd really appreciate any views or thoughts on this.
Thankyou for your time... I didn't plan to write this much... !