[GentlieGant]

Thank you for enabling me to have a voice on these pages. I am not familiar with posting stuff like this.

As a newcomer to this forum and a relative newcomer to Buddhist practice (For the past 4-5 years) I don't know much at all.

I welcome your feedback please...in particular from anyone who has come to a difficult stage in practice...or from women Buddhists who might be able to understand things from a female perspective.

My encounter with the teachings of Thich Nhat Hanh...then the chance to study under a Zen Master in my own city, a couple of 8 day Zen retreats and a meeting with a Burmese Vipassana teacher moved me through a number of Theravada and Vipassana retreats in the past few years. The teachings sustained and supported me through a number of difficult life events. The death of my sister 11 months ago was accepted more easily because of my love for and faith in the dhamma.
My teacher, who I respect greatly, suggested a long retreat of 30 days which I embarked on for the whole month of April this year.
The retreat was difficult at times for my body as I am 63 and have some medical problems...but I was very happy and did not find the renunciation of home and family too difficult...Many insights came up.
In the last 5 days of the retreat my teacher became angry with my actions (though I am not really aware of what it was I did to displease him ..could have been a number of things).

In the dhamma talk session he called me a 'time waster' and repeated this criticism at the following session. At the interview session he was very angry and told me I 'was a long way from dhamma' and that no matter if I renounced my home for 50 days...years..I would never get anywhere. At the time I felt a flood of shame and stayed with the sensations...then that feeling passed rapidly and I went on with the moment by moment noting.

However, as the weeks have gone on I find I have a very tender heart. I feel confused. I have lots of thoughts coming up about being unworthy, failing, and of sadness and loss. My practice is not so full of joy. I am not sure of wanting to be with this teacher again.

I take responsibility for my current situation...I am aware the teacher gives the lesson the student needs at the time.

This teacher is fierce...mainly with the women yogis....and there is no opportunity to discuss my feelings with him.
In this town a teacher is a rare jewel. I was lucky enough to find the Dhamma and the teacher...but there is lots of suffering for me at the moment.
I will continue to meditate and sit with these feelings.

With metta