[bxxasxxa]

I made this, my first post a few days ago out of a sense of urgency...so now I want to say how much I appreciated your thoughtful responses

Thank you to Cobalt, Aloka-D, Sobeh, Frank, Snowmelt and Kaarine Alejandra for your opinions and thoughts in response to the pain I was experiencing when I wrote of my post-retreat suffering.

I found it difficult to write as it seemed as if I was complaining. Also feel disloyal talking about a situation that is in the past and involves a member of the Sangha.

The variety of expressions echo my own thoughts.....sometimes this way...then...perhaps it is this way...can't believe my own thoughts...so back to the experiencing....back to the present moment...back to the breath... where everything is all-right. Everything changes. nothing stays the same. I am sure all of this is teaching me an important lesson. How to be patient. How to stay with difficult emotions. How I cling to the way I want things to be.

I remember my first retreat with this Sayadaw two years ago.
For every sitting bar one or two I had the most amazingly strong pain in the left side of my back.
I had a great meditation object. The pain was 9 out of ten...like pains of childbirth..the tears flowed with pain and I had waves of heat and then cold.
This pain when sitting lasted for five days. 4am to 10pm

The teacher instructed me to sit longer...1 and a half hours at a time instead of one. but it was relentless.
It would leave only when I stood up ...but three minutes into each sit it was back. I was exhausted.

I got to learn a lot about how my mind works...aversion, bargaining, rejecting..trading and finally giving in altogether...metta...just metta...inviting in the pain of the world.

Seem each retreat brings another deep learning.

with metta