[RerRibreLok]

As- Salamu Alaykum,
I apologize for the inconvenience in the reading of this long message. I also ask you respectively not to judge me.

I am writing this question after great concern and critical thinking. While growing up, I did not quite receive an entire Islamic upbringing. In other words, I was not able to develop a serious perception to the importance of Islam in our lives because of the environment I lived in and the fact that my parents never enforced the principles of Islam to me in direct ways. I do not blame any one or anything for my deviation in the spiritual path, but myself. In my younger years, I fell in love with an Ismaili, who considers themselves muslim. I was quite immature and not serious about my ambitions and future, but I never intended to play around with a woman's feelings. Of course, it was wrong to date itself, since it leads to haram acts, and unfortunately, it did for me, in so many ways I am not proud of. It led me to commit zina, something which I regret deeply. The relationship was not a playful one, as it evolved to become much serious, where we intended to marry, despite being of different faiths. Now I do understand that the intention of marrying during a pre-marital relationship is Shaitan's influence to commit more sin.

It is only recently, after 2 and a half years in a relationship, when my parents decided to come to Qatar for a family reunion, I met with some religious family members, and an Islamic ambiance quickly spawned around me, leading me to pray Salat 5 times a day. And the more I prayed and read more Qur'an, my seriousness towards Islam deepened, and my perception opened. I still had a girlfriend during that time, and one night, we led to a discussion of marriage and potential children, which made us realize the vast difference of religion. What religion would the child follow? As a Sunni Muslim, I could not let my child follow their Aga Khan and their respective beliefs which nullify most of Sunni/ Mainstream Islamic beliefs. And it made us realize, we have to break up. If I had to come closer to Allah swt, follow the Qur'an, and abide by the teachings of Sunnah I had to abandon this relationship without doubt. There is no bending towards the Righteous Path.

The problem is I cannot bring myself to confront myself of the guilt I have performed in committing zina with a conservative girl who trusted me. I had intended to marry her before committing zina. Of course, my intentions do not justify my grave sin, as I continue to seek forgiveness. But, the fact that I have to leave her for the sake of a future, proper family, and not messing my child's mind with the alleged shirk the Ismailis do (from the Sunni perspective). I really need advice as my awakening brings me pain of my past sins and I want to get close with Allah, Insha'Allah. But I feel it is wrong to abandon someone in such a way, especially a conservative girl who trusted me. I feel guilty for taking her virginity and abandoning her who had hopes of marrying me. I have of course made a sugestion for her to convert, but she is deeply rooted in her beliefs, and I have no intention of enforcing her. I have managed to convey this message to her, making her aware of my awakening. She did understand my decision, but it left her with a lot of pain. She had expectations and she had given her most sacred quality. I need guidance before the weight of this problem and the pressure of my sins become to heavy for me to carry.

May Allah, swt forgive me for my sins, and the sins of our Ummah. May He bestow His Mercy and Grace to everyone and save us from the depths of Hell.

I thank you for taking the time to read this message. I also thank you for not judging me.