[Erwtbimp]

Originally posted by DRoseDARs
So what seriously fraked up things have others done to pick up on you? What epic fails have you witnessed or been subjected to? The cheesier and more uncomfortable, the better. I know this is a little late, but I'm on vacation and my internet time is restricted.

Anywho, Dmitri is a dumbass. But I'm not sure he tops me.

First instance is simple. It's freshman year, first semester at college. I have a huge crush on I'll call her Stephie. Stephie and I both belong to a social group for off-campus students. After a few months of getting along, we're hanging out about 10:30 pm after a group social event. She invites me to her apartment for dinner. Now, my experience with this sort of thing is limited to the Seinfeld episode where coffee isn't coffee. Knowing that relying on TV for information about reality isn't good policy, and knowing I have class early in the morning, I decline the invitation. However, everyone I have discussed the event with has informed me that most likely my initial, if poorly informed, instinct was correct and that pasta was not what was getting eaten that night. So, if you agree that pasta was indeed not pasta, that's dumbassery #1. Or heck, given that I had an enormous crush on this girl, not taking advantage of any excuse to spend time alone with her was pretty dumb.

However, you may think that her proposal was indeed innocent. Or you may think that being more inclined to rest for class in the morning rather than engage in late night shenanigans is appropriate. And future events with this girl later made my decision seem wise, although I couldn't know that at the time. For these and other possible reasons, you may feel my decision wasn't that dumb. Fortunately, I can, imho, top it.

Incident #2: I'm driving to the mall, the May after graduating high school. While waiting at the stoplight to turn into the mall, I'm checking the girl in the car in front of me out in her rear-view mirror. I can only see her eyes and her forehead/ bangs, but I like what I see. I pull into the parking garage and get out and hear my name being called. The person calling my name turns out to be the girl in the car. But at first, I'm not sure who she is. But whoever she is, she is HOT. Reasonably tall, not thin, not thick, just healthy. And curves popping out every which way. And I'm not saying "curves" meaning "boobs", though she certainly had nice breasts, I mean curves,as in countours, hips, shoulders, stomach, waist, chest, breasts, butt. Every where a woman can and should go in or out she went in and out and in just the right way. Nice hair, nice face. And her outfit was spectacular. Tight enough to show off those curves, well-fitting enough to not be skanky or look uncomfortable. No skin, but modesty can go along way in my book.

Once we start talking, I realize who she is, and boy has she changed in 12 months. She was a plain Jane in school, but as I described, not now. And I want to emphasize this isn't normal maturation or learning about make up in the intervening year, this is (and I use males only because famous females tend to have a much narrower range of looks) Rich Moranis turning into Brad Pitt in a year. You wouldn't think the skeleton of one could hold the flesh of the other. I mean, she looked different enough that I didn't even recognize her, and wasn't sure it was her until she told me her job.

But I've belabored that point too long. As we were talking, she mentions that she's never been to this mall before (a suspicious claim, but not impossible.) She then again mentions she doesn't know where anything is. Now, any normal guy might have picked up on the signals. Even if you don't believe they are signals, it's a no-lose scenario to ask if she wants help finding her way around. If she says yes, you're taking a beautiful woman around the mall. If she says no, you don't look like a fool because only a jack-ass wouldn't offer to help her find her way around unfamiliar territory. And while asking is a no-lose, not asking is, to put in modern parlance, epic fail. If she wanted your company, you both lose. If she didn't, you're still a jerk for at least not asking. And if you don't ask, you'll wonder for the rest of your rotten life what would of happened if you did ask.
Needless to say, I didn't ask.