It is always really wonderful to hear about self empowerment and how people overcome abusive or co-dependant relationships to master their own lives. It gives incredible sense of purpose and motivation to others reading this who are in a similar boat. However, it is worth noting that not all abusers are bullies and not all bullies are covering up their own fears. For example, many, many people (mostly women) who suffer or have survived domestic violence and abuse, the abuser cannot be stood up to so easily. There is a very real danger of violence and death. Some abusers are not in the least driven by or covering their own fears but instead, motivated by other factors such as chemical imbalance and severe psychiatric disorder. When objective reality has been severed from subjective experience by severe trauma or torture for example, the jouissance of the objective within the abuser becomes an often unpredictable, yet absolute threat. There is no reasoning, no way to avoid and no possible threat that can bring this kind of abuser to heel so easily. The reason I mention this here is that for anyone reading this who is in an abusive situation themselves, it is essential to be able to distinguish the difference between a bully who is essentially a co-dependant, fearful person, yet who shares the consensual understanding of cause and effect (ie what you threaten to do will cause them pain or discomfort which they can objectify (A) and will, therefore, seek to avoid) and an abuser who is fundamentally disconnected from consensual, objective reality (ie what you threaten is irrelevant because any pain, either yours or theirs, can only be objectified via their own jouissance). The latter cannot be threatened, reasoned with or ignored and it is vital that external assistance and protection is sought (Police, Legal, Medical avenues). Unfortunately most people who are being abused are not able to make such distinctions so easily so it is impossible to give any hard and fast indicators as to what is safe and what isn't but essentially, what works for one person cannot be applied to all cases so when dealing with clients, although building self esteem and confidence are vitally important, we must take great care not to assume that their fears and concerns are merely down to lack of confidence. Sometimes their fears are VERY well grounded and special precautions are needed.