[Doctor-CTAC]

hello friends. thank you for coming to my thread.

i am very found of this forum, it fills me with positive energy. i do not post much though, and have only now created an account. i thought of sharing of myself with you, it feels only natural to me.

perhaps i am a wanderer. i’m not sure.

my most intense characteristic is that i’ve never felt part of my family or the world. i’ve tried, but there has never been true loyalty to “here” = my life situation. perhaps i do not understand all things about loyalty since it has never been important, or was. this detatchment has given me much pain and sorrow, but i guess it’s not much different from what most people go through. we all must find our place, but i’m not even halfway doing that. my views constantly changing, althought the ultimate goal is to find some spiritual satability.
for as long as i can remember in my 20 years i have been a searcher, indulging carelessly into everything that crossed my mind. martial arts, religion, music, art, meditation, demonology, composing novels, traveling, carnal experiments, mathematics, tarot, etc etc. many philosophies and views of existence i have explored or re-invented, for most paradoxes and contradictions are already known to man, limited as we are in this 3:rd density world. i thought i had whole new views of thinking, only to realise people had thought this over 4000 years ago already.

my interests has been many, but a direct result of this is that i have got no deeper understanding in any of my fleeting interests. my spiritual hunger is seemingly insatible, almost comparable with material gluttony.
the thought of that disgusts me sometimes, but i am so in love with knowledge. i wish to know all of it. all people, all their thoughts and experiences, all logic and paradoxes which clusters our view of existence. i cannot simply stop and focus on one thing, then i will miss so many experiences. a common interest has been art, music and beauty in general. i cannot picture my life without music and things to be marveled by, they feel very natural and fundamental.

materialism itself has never been of much worth to me unless it could or gave promise to some spiritual experience. video games has always been a central part of my life, and i now realise it’s only because they were a gateway to a world beyond this.

my family did find me odd, and still does. my mother seriously wounding the little known of self i had accumulated in my early days, leaving the permanent proof that i never my father handling me with care, but like nitroglycerine, just waiting to explode. my sister, always loving, but also defensive. the people of my community never accepting me, giving me no encouragement or reason to be with them. i don’t think i ever hated them for it. i met it with cold neutrality, their behaviour completely alien to me.

in my later years, i’ve come to understand the value of other people. it struck me quite hard, and since then i’ve been quite kind and loving. the love for others is the only reason i don’t grow detatched again, dreaming away to other things. to worlds and realities that has never been in this existence. i try to help awaken people to their spiritual side occasionally. i made some feeble attempts on it early too. i’m still not very good at it. i have no structured arguments other than that it’s quite fulfilling and fascinating knowing yourself more.

i still cannot fully understand other people though. i would make a terrible psychiatrist! but i try, and i still love them.

so in most ways my personality does represent an wanderer, although with some contradictions. there has not been a natural attatchment or dedicaiton to other people. it has grown over time. this might be because of my childhood experiences, i’m not sure.

i stumbled upon the law of one information by recommendation from a friend, who felt drawn to this. and as i read more i also felt very drawn to this. it was with great scepticism at first, but as information was unraveled to me it all made sense. desires i had never been aware of came to me, and it was all in line with everything of law of one. it was the most intense feeling of “coming home” i’ve ever felt in my life. all my unstructured and confusing spiritual experiences started to make sense.

sadly i’m still in doubt. i am bound to the basic rules of the 3rd density existence, i don’t wish to have my
expectations broken and i wish control over my fate. it’s fear perhaps. i cannot give my whole trust to ra’s words, because i would be in deep despair should they not be fullfilled and likely consciously end my existence rather than being dead inside from the unfullfillment. it would be so easy to have the ascension fix all my problems for me, to chape the world to my taste. a little too easy. a fitting cynical mentality for the current world, is it not?

but i’m still positive. i have not percieved anything malicious with the law of one, for noone would try to decieve if they had no negative intentions. i look forward to a new world filled with love, together with all of you.