[RobertLS]

hi ameliejolie, it is good to hear from you. i am sorry you are having a hard time.

i totally know what you mean by being "dead" and a "lonely needy child". i have felt like that sometimes, like an angry sad child that never got enough attention. depression can be caused by many things and often times it is caused by repressed anger or a result of being disconnected from other people for a long period of time. i have had serious battles with some very manic depressions in which i did not want to get out of bed or take care of myself in any way.

let me tell you about a great experience i just had:

i signed up for and took a special group therapy course in which me, 10 other students, and about 10 instructors spent a very intense weekend hashing out the depression and blockages that are causing disarray in our lives. this course had a great combination of traditional therapy, spirituality, empathy and unconditional love. i was so scared to do this in the beginning because i did not want to show my emotions for fear of being vulnerable to other people's attacks. but it did not go that way. i stood up in front of everyone with tears streaming down my face and the instructors and the students helped me to see the perfection in what happened.

but an even more wonderful thing happened then that. for the first time in my life i felt a connection with other people. for the first time i totally let myself free. i have never, in all 30 years of my life, have experienced something like that. i feel like a 5,000 pound weight has been lifted off of my back.

the instructors were great and they said a lot of things, but one thing that stuck with me was, "it is not the emotions themselves that cause depression and stress, it is the withholding of emotions that cause stress, fatigue and sadness." in other words, let it out!! find a friend or someone and cry, shout, talk and do whatever you have to do.

it is the fear of bearing your heart that is keeping you in this marose sense of anger and sadness !!!!

the first time you do this you should find someone you really trust. that you know will love you unconditionaly. cry it out and talk it out and then allow that person to hug you and tell you you are courageous and awesome.

i think a lot of us here, in these forums, are very good at showing unconditional love to other people but we are not good at accepting it for ourselves. love is a two way street and both sides of the street need to be fully functioning. you must accept love from other people and love yourself too. if you don't do that then you are constantly giving love out and not restoring it in yourself and you are exhausting yourself. you need to "fill your own cup".

this was a huge lesson for me to learn. and the instructors in the course i took last weekend practically had to hold me down until i finally relaxed and allowed myself to be loved. i had so much anger and resentment that i was holding on too and i was afraid to let it go. in some ways i felt like that was all i had and if i let that go i would not have anything left. but that was not true. the void created was filled with an equal amount of love and positivity. which is just as powerful and strong as anger and sadness.

does that make sense?