[Meowmeowz]

wow, johnasmodeus, what a beautiful story, you must be a writer. even if it was tragic, it was eloguently told. i've been able to not feel that pain anymore by not having any relationships for 8 years, it seems to work.

i don't know what posseses me to think i have no friends, i emailed one about how i was feeling and she was quite offended, trust me to say the wrong thing. then i phoned another friend and she happily chatted with me until i ended the conversation, then i called someone else up and she was happy to hear from me. the 4th one i called was busy with her family but said to call her tomorrow. oh yes, and another friend emailed and was really nice.

so i lie to myself, and believe my own lies. that seems to be the problem in most areas, the self deception creates a false reality and then i react to that so called reality and wonder why i feel bad. i love having those revelations that show me my self deception. one can never go back to ignorance once something is revealed. and the revelations have been really quickening these past couple of years, i wonder why.......