[beonecenry]

i was very struck with something david said about the higher self, which was that it could be a future self coming back to guide one to choose the most favorable conditions for improvement. since this guide is the self, then it knows better than anyone else can what the best choice would be. i don't know why i like that version better than just tuning in to my own present higher self, except that i haven't had much success in linking up consciously to that self.

so it hasn't meant much to me, except to know that it probably exists and good look in helping me. i've come to realize how useless it is to get the answer from someone or something else, i heard the words "it's all inside of you" for years and years and forever. there was always that hope that there must be someone out there who knows just the right things to say that will make me understand. about as useless as the belief that if i just met the right "one" everything would fall into place and i would live happily ever after.

there has also been this concept of things are ok if everything is going well and everybody's happy and everything is just so. this earth existence isn't like that, polarity is most valuable in growing, and if i'm not growing, then there's no reason to be here. and experiencing polarity, or duality is not a pretty picture sometimes. all the confusion and chaos, why can't there be some peace is the question. but i have experienced peace in the midst of chaos, so i know that it is a condition that comes from within, not without.

so maybe latching on to this future higher self is just another way for me to distract from doing my inner work, like it's another "thing" that just may help save me. on the other hand it's a step closer to doing it myself, at least it's not someone else doing it for me. i have definitely felt the presence of something guiding me, and i think i like the idea better that it is a future me doing it, rather than some meddling angel.

like the time i was saved from suicide by a force grabbing the steering wheel of my car and not allowing it to crash. if it was some guardian angel, they didn't have the right to infringe on my free will, but if it was my future self, then i can accept that assistance more readily. does this make sense?
sometimes i think i don't express myself very well.

so, i'm not trying to consciously connect with my future higher self anymore than my present self, because doing those kinds of things don't work for me. like meditation doesn't work, although i practiced it for umpteen years until i got fed up. it seems that everyone on a spiritual path must meditate! even david seems to think you won't get anywhere without it, so if we must quote authorities, i would like to quote krishnamurti who said, "you don't need to meditate". i was so happy to hear that, i could relate to so many other things he said as well.

like don't follow anybody, always trust what's inside rather than what somebody else says, and when he talked about being in that state of oneness or bliss, which is so hard to describe because it is beyond this world, i knew what he was talking about, because i have been in that cosmic consciousness if you want to call it that, and it was not brought about by meditation or ritual or being good or anything, it just was. the only way i can describe it is a gift of grace, because nothing i did myself brought it on.

so it was like my higher self, or god, or whoever or whatever is in charge, took me to the top of a mountain, showed me the view, then placed me back at the bottom and said, well, you've seen where you want to be, now work your way up yourself. and it's not so bad, once you've seen that view. the sticky situations don't mean as much anymore, sometimes its fun, sometimes it's challenging, it's always changing, and free will means choosing one's attitude to it all, since so much seems to be beyond control. i think that's enough out of me. love, larissa