[zuhraliyana]

They only work in Scotland:-


A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
"Comfy?" asks the dentist.
"Govan," she replies.


What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?
Oor Wullie.


A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for the set of antlers?"
"Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter.
"That's affa deer," says the guy.


Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's awa' noo.


After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be
wearing the kilt.
"And what's the tartan?" asks his mate.
"Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.


What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.


How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.


A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there
is a lace missing.
"No," argues the assistant, "look at the label - it says Taiwan ."


What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my cloud."
And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe."


What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
A wee fly b*****d.


What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle
accident? The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.


While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
"What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?"
"I'd put him off at the next stop," he says.
"Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?"
"I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.


Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives
make a negative - "Aye right."


A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street
when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car.
"What's up, Jimmy?" he asks.
"Piston broke," he replies.
"Aye, same as masel..."

[SaamanthaSterlyng]

"Aye right."

Is my fave!

[Fosavoa]

Scottish Jokes.

Isn't that an Oxymoron?

BAM!

LOL

[timgreyuvcz]

How did the habit of wearing kilts develop?

Because sheep can hear a zipper from a long ways off ...

[Dvjkefdw]

They only work in Scotland:-

You werent kidding.

[DumnEuronoumn]

You werent kidding.

lol

I was thinking the same thing

[serius_06]

You werent kidding.

The only joke on this page that made sense to me...

[Arximedus]

I suppose that this message will reveal my ignorance about all things Scottish but I don't get the clue of nearly all the jokes. Guess you have to pronounce them the proper way to get the clue.

[CIAFreeAgent]

correct. ah ken ever ain o em. They were braw!

One would need a copy of this to help the johnny foreigners who come on here...

http://www.thatsbraw.co.uk/Oor%20Wullie/OW-Page.htm

[VIDEOHITE]

correct. ah ken ever ain o em. They were braw!

One would need a copy of this to help the johnny foreigners who come on here...

http://www.thatsbraw.co.uk/Oor%20Wullie/OW-Page.htm

Nope, im still drawing blanks here.

[Rtebydou]

Oor Wullie is the best. I used to get the annual at Xmas. I didnt realise the comic started over 70 years ago.

Was never a Broons fan, not sure why.

[ljq0AYOV]

...Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's awa' noo.

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there
is a lace missing.
"No," argues the assistant, "look at the label - it says Taiwan...

They're my faves. My ma is Scottish; she'd love these.

[Gideleb]

I wonder how the guys who cant read this would follow this???

http://www.pagan.clara.net/rab.htm

My HERO!!!

Quotes from the show:

Rab: "I will tell you this boy, I will tell you this".

Rab: "Mary, we huv knain each other tae long to let a pound ae dead meat tae come between us".
Mary: "Let's leave oor sex life oota this"

Mary: {To Burney but referring to Rab} Is that him back?
Burney: Dunno Maw, wait an i'll ask. Is that you back, da?

Shug: There are more people in the greater London than there is in the whole of Scotland.
Rab: but I mean, for goodness sake, it's quality that counts, not quantity.

Rab: I will skive and skive again.

Rab: I was born a cynical bastard and I'll die a cynical bastard!

Rab: Some place, Govan, eh? Where else can y'get a fish supper at 9:00 AM? Simple. Jes steal it aff a drunk whit's been layin pished ootside a close aw neet.”

Peter the Warlock: [to Rab] Now if you'll excuse me, I have a unicorn to sacrifice and a virgin to deflower. [to three of the guys as he leaves the pub] See youse.
Dodie: He must be a warlock right enough to huv found a unicorn in Govan.
Jamesie: He must be Sherlock Holmes to huv found a virgin.

Rab: Oh in the name of God

Rab: Don't bend the knee, do not bend the knee!

[N9u9ie4p]

Tim, Rabs a west coast humor, but at least there are jojkes here i understand

[hwood]

ah a flashback to earlier daze...

my first time meeting a scotsman, i could not help breaking out in laughter right in front of his face. he was talking to me, and i knew he thought he was speaking english and i knew that he must be speaking "english", and he thought that he must be understandable...but for the life of me, i could not make sense of anything that he was saying! i am having the same reaction with these jokes