[Mugflefusysef]

WARNING: Those with no sense of humour please click the "Back" button now!

Here's a wee joke I got the other day thought I would share - enjoy....

A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out,
"business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the Annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".
He swallowed, here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
"What's your Business Role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained," one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish," (Jefe: this bit's true of course!)

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos , but my friends call me..............Paddy."

Jefe 8)

[IrrettelatWet]

Oh how I admire your bravery Jefe!

Ian

[offemyJuccete]

Brilliant

[enrisaabsotte]

Excellent Suzie - thanks for the contribution! I hadnt heard any of those before - especially liked the Alien one !alien

Keep 'em coming!

[97dYA9L3]

3 blokes sat in a pub .........
Englishman
Scotsman
Irishman

The English bloke says I tell you something - My son was born on St Georges day so we called him George

The Scots bloke says, strange, my son was born on St Andrews day, so we calles him Andrew

The Irish bloke says we did the same thing with our lad PANCAKE !!!

[twiffatticy]

A warning ....

There is a new virus. The code name is WORK. If you receive WORK from your
colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else, do not touch it
under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends
and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks immediately and after three
rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your
system.


Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends. Should you
realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by
this virus and WORK already controls your life. If this is the case, go to
the bar and stay until you make at least five friends. Then retry.

I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive, so I'm headed for
the bar anyway . . . it never hurts to be safe

[geasurpacerma]

Two Englishmen, two Irish men, Two Scotchmen, and two Welshmen were stranded on an island. After a couple of days the two Irishmen started to play hurling, the two Scotchmen had built them selves a still and were stilling whisky, The two Welshmen started a choir, but the two Englishmen were still waiting to be introduced to each other!!!!!!
<span class='smallblacktext'>[ Edited Wed Jan 12 2005, 08:50PM ]</span>

[Assunkkensatt]

Mick now that did make me smile.

[Edwardthe_third]

Liverpool Football Club are on the look out for some new talent and
send a scout to Iraq where they find a fantastic new player.

The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably
impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 2-0 down to Man Utd with only 30 mins
left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 3 goals and wins the game for Liverpool.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. &quot;Hello mum, guess what - I played
for half an hour today, scored 3 goals and won the game. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.&quot;

&quot;Wonderful,&quot; says his mum, &quot;Let me tell you about my day... while
You were having a great time, your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters.&quot;

The young lad is very upset, &quot;What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry.&quot;

&quot;Sorry?!!&quot; says his mum, &quot;It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in
The first place!&quot;

[ZZipZZipe]

Subject: Big People Words

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! &quot;You need to use 'Big People' words,&quot; she was always reminding them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend? &quot;I went to visit my Nana.&quot; &quot;No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!&quot; She then asked Mitchell what he had done &quot;I took a ride on a choo-choo.&quot; She said &quot;No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words.&quot; She then asked little Alec what he had done? &quot;I read a book,&quot; he replied. &quot;That's WONDERFUL!&quot; the teacher said. &quot;What book did you read?&quot; Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest
with great pride, and said, &quot;Winnie the S**T.&quot;

[TRASIAOREXOLA]

LITTLE GIRL GOES INTO PARENTS ROOM
&quot;HOLY JESUS AND YOU WANT ME TO SEE A DOCTOR ABOUT SUCKING MY THUMB&quot;

[RBJamez]

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.

The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, &quot;Hi hun,&quot; he says &quot;how do you like your new phone?&quot;

She replies &quot;I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though.&quot;

&quot;What's that, baby?&quot; asks the husband.

&quot;How did you know I was at Wal- Mart?&quot;

[Intiltern]

And now for something compeltely different.......

this one was sent to me by a Spanish friend from Barcelona.....obviously the Gallegos (people from Galicia) are the butt of some jokes up there in Catalunya - a bit like us Irish back in UK, maybe its an anti Gaelic thing the world over .....by the way, I have nothing against them myself, being a fellow Gael - some of the friendliest Spanish I've met are from Galicia, and its a beautiful part of the country - well worth a visit!


Carta de Reclamacion de un Gallego
al gerente del Hotel donde paso el fin de a?o
en Londres
(Letter of complaint from a Gallego to the management of a hotel where he spent New Year's)

try to read with Spanish pronunciation - eg. 'j' similar to 'h' and 'i' sounds like 'ee'.

enjoy......
---------------------------------------
Dier Se?or Gerente:
Now I am tella yu di story of jau I was treated at yor jotel.

I am comma from Galicia as touris to London and estay as a spanish man at yor jotel.

When I comma my room I see is no shit in my bed. How can I sleep with no shit in my bed?

I col down de recepshon and tella: &quot;I wanna shit&quot;.

Dey tella me &quot;Go to the toillett&quot;.

I sey &quot;no, no, I wanna shit in my bed&quot;.

Dey sey &quot;You betta not shit in yor bed, you sonnawabitch&quot;.

What is sonnawabitch?.

I go down for restoran for breikfast. I order beicon and eggs and two pisses of toast, I getta only one piss of toast. I tell a waitress and points of toast &quot;I wanna piss&quot;.

She tella me &quot;Go to the toillett&quot; I say

&quot;No, No, I wanna piss on my plate&quot;.

She den say to me &quot;you bloddy fella not piss on yor plate, you sonnawabitch&quot;.

Secon person who don even know me and col me sonnawabitch!.

What is sonnawabitch?.

Later I go dinner into restoran. Spoon and knife is der but no fock.

I tella waitress &quot;I wanna fock&quot;, and she tella me:

&quot;Sure, everybody wanna fock&quot;,
&quot;I tella her&quot;, no, no, you don understand me. &quot;I wanna fock on de table&quot;.

She den tella me &quot;So you sonnawabitch, wanna fock on de table?,

&quot;Got your ass out of here&quot;.

So I go to de recepshon and ask for de bills. I no wanna stay in dis jotel no more. When I have pay de bills, the porter say to me

&quot;Thank you and peace on you&quot;.

I say

&quot;piss on you too, you sonnawabitch&quot;.

I go back to Galicia!.

I never more comma stay in your jotel, you sonnawabitch.

Sincirly,

Venancio.

[Avaboormavoro]

John died so his wife Jean rang the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries
section. How much do you charge she said to the lady from paper. Its ?20 per entry,
what would you like to put. Jean replied ?Johns Dead?. The lady from the paper
replied that the message was very short and that the minimum entry was five words.
OK said Jean can you put ?Johns dead, car for sale?

[kjsdiuwe]

Hi everyone we should set up a separate area just for jokes then when we feel a bit down can have a laugh. here's a couple more:

THE THINGS THAT KIDS SAY

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
(1 ) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
( 1 ) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
( 1 ) When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7

( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
( 1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
-- Theodore, age 8

( 2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the 1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10


Can you imagine if major retailers started making their own condoms and kept the same tag line………

Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better
Tesco Condoms - every little helps
Nike Condoms - Just do it
Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life
Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk
KFC Condoms - Finger licking good
Minstrels Condoms - melt in your mouth, not in your hands
Safeway Condoms - Lightening the load
Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough
Ever Ready condoms - keep going and going
Pringles condoms - once you pop, you cant stop
Burger King Condoms - Home of the whopper
Goodyear Condoms - for a longer ride go wide
F CUK condoms - no comment required
Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain
Halfords condoms - we go the extra mile
Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you
Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long
Renault condoms - size really does matter!
Ronseal condoms - does exactly what it says on the tin
Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in 30 mintues
Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!!
Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach
Carlsberg condoms - probably the best condom in the world
AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service
Pepperami condoms - it's a bit of an animal
Polo condoms - the condom with the hole!!!

[adsexpist]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, &quot;Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!&quot; The passenger apologized and said, &quot;I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. &quot;The driver replied, &quot;Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a Hurst for the last 25 years.&quot;

[Polopolop]

An 80 year old couple go to the Doctors and say we want to have a baby - The Doctor looks at them and thinks best amuse them, so he says &quot;The first thing we need to do is get a sperm sample, take this bottle and come back in 3 days&quot;

3 days later they arrive at surgery and the Doc says &quot; How did you get on&quot; - The 80 year old bloke says &quot;I tried my left hand, I tried my right hand, the wife tried her left hand, she tried her right hand, she tried her mouth, with her teeth in and with them out - We can't get the bloody top off&quot; !!!!!
<span class='smallblacktext'>[ Edited Fri Jan 14 2005, 04:45PM ]</span>

[FYIbiatches]

A vicar goes round to the back of his church and finds a choirboy indulging in 'self abuse'. Son, he says, save it for your wedding.

Years later the choirboy is getting married and he says to the vicar, you caught me at the back of the church and told me to save it for my wedding. Well I now have three jars full and ........

[Erwtbimp]

Did you hear of the blind skunk that marred a fart!
!oops

[dXI9XFOA]

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get a stiffy. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, &quot;ONE, TWO, THREE...UUUUH!&quot; all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, &quot;How did it go?&quot;

The first whispered back, &quot;It was so embarrassing. I just couldn't get a hard on.&quot;

The second dwarf shook his head. &quot;You think that's embarrassing?!!&quot; he asked. &quot;I couldn't even get on the bed!!!&quot;