[Cxcvvfbgtr]

Gramps, can you stop using red font please? It hurts this old man's eyes.

[corolaelwis]

Could you make sure that you always post that way GT?

JM

[temansertewek]

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: That's not funny.


Q: How many freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to hold the penis. I mean ladder.


Q: How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. They just sit in the dark and cry.

[10traistintarry]

DINNER FOR EIGHT
A group of country friends from Cottonwood Community Center wanted to get together on a regular basis to socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak, but, mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too high."

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."

She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."

He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they' re OK."

So, Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, had some Mint Juleps and engaged in light conversation. About then, the helper lady from town, came in and whispered in Janet's ear, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died"

Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now." Then he left

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room, and about this time, the helper lady came in and said,

"And you know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped!"

[Ankeseiband]

Broke Back Deer Camp

Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a
room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored
so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of
them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take
turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast
the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all
bloodshot. The other two said, 'Man, what happened to
you?' He said, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up
and watched him all night.'

The next night it was the second guy's turn. In the
morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all
bloodshot. The other two said, 'Man, what happened to
you? You look awful!' He said, 'Man, that Daryl shakes
the roof. I sat up and watched him all night.'
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly
ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he
came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. 'Good
morning,' he said. The other two couldn't believe it! He
looked rested and wide awake. They asked, 'Man, what
happened?' He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went
and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his ass and kissed him
good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night.'

[prearpaccew]

Baked Beans -


One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.

When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice
and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from
work.

Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I
would be late because I had to walk home.

On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more
than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the
time I reached home, so I s topped at the diner and before I knew it, I had
consumed t hree large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed
delightedly: 'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.'

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.

I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone
rang.

He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to
answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was
becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized
the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a
skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.

I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was
worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I
went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable.
When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I
quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap
and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with
myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned,
apologizing for taking so long.

He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had
not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated
around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[lidersontop]

Master Card Wedding






You got to love this guy... This is a true story about a recent
wedding that took place at Clemson University . It was in the local newspaper and even
Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.



After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said he wanted to thank
everyone for coming, many from
long distances, to support them
at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank
his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation
he said he wanted to give everyone
a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of
everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.

He said this was his gift to
everyone, and asked them to
open their envelope.






Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious
of them weeks earlier and had
hired a private detective to tail
them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions
for a couple of minutes, he
turned to the best man and
said, 'F---you!' Then he turned
to his bride and said, 'F--- you!'

Then he turned to the
dumbfounded crowd and said,
'I'm outta here.'

He had the marriage annulled
first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding
immediately after finding out
about the affair, this
guy goes through with the
charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a
300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the
bride's and best man's reputations
in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of
church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard 'priceless'
commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception
for 300 family members and
friends: $32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the
Occasion: $3,000

Deluxe two-week
honeymoon accommodations
in Maui : $8,500.

The look on everyone's face
when they see the 8x10 glossy
of the bride humping the best
man: Priceless.

There are some things money
can't buy, for everything else
there's MASTERCARD





A Mastercard Wedding





'Life isn't like a bowl
of cherries or peaches, it's more like a jar of Jalapenos--what you
do today, might burn your ass tomorrow......'

[Attarderb]

Housework



Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from
work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and
another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She
was astonished!

It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, 'Wives who work
full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.

The night went very well. The next day, she told her office friends all
about it. 'We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He
helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it
away. I really enjoyed the evening.'

'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.

'Oh, that ..., Ralph was too tired..'

[goolen4you]

The Nun in Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a
local Hooters.


The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and
every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'


Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt
into cheers.


However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead
silent.


She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please
use the restroom?


The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that
there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'


'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said
the nun.


So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the
restaurant.


After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole
place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. !


She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't
understand. Why did they applaud f or me just because I went to the
restroom?'


'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the
bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'


'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the
puzzled nun.


'You see, ' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone
lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.


Now, how about that drink?'

[Sttim]

Subject: Typical Investigative Journalism

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the
lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and
tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming
parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion
square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the
biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says Sir,
this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.

Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this
little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right. Well, I'll make sure this
won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's papers will
have this on the first page.

What motorcycle do you ride?

A Harley Davidson.

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings
news of his actions, and reads, on first page:


BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.

[Jasonstawnosaa]

[MartZubok]

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
Gentleman and an elderly lady
Struck up a conversation and discovered that
They both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed,they decided to go fishing together the next day!

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
Headed to the river to his fishing boat and
Started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a
Fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

"Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
And pants and made mad passionate love to the man
Right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe
What had just happened, but he had just experienced
The best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the
River, when soon they came upon another fork in the
River.

He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
And made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
He asked her to go fishing again the next day.!

She said yes and there they were the ! Next day,
Riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
River, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
Guided the boat down the river when he came upon
Another fork in the river and he asked the
Lady,"Up or down ?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

"What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
You if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
Passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
My hearing aid and I thought the choices were
**** or drown."

[Marinausa]

Originally posted by Main_Brain
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
Gentleman and an elderly lady
Struck up a conversation and discovered that
They both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed,they decided to go fishing together the next day!

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
Headed to the river to his fishing boat and
Started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a
Fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

"Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
And pants and made mad passionate love to the man
Right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe
What had just happened, but he had just experienced
The best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the
River, when soon they came upon another fork in the
River.

He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
And made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
He asked her to go fishing again the next day.!

She said yes and there they were the ! Next day,
Riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
River, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
Guided the boat down the river when he came upon
Another fork in the river and he asked the
Lady,"Up or down ?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

"What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
You if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
Passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
My hearing aid and I thought the choices were
FVCK or drown."

[pharweqto]

[cristmiff]

Larry and Steve wanted to go out drinking; they only had $2.00 between them. Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and spent the $2.00 on one large sausage.

Steve said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Larry replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

They went into the pub where Larry immediately ordered two double shots of Jack Daniels. Steve said, "Now you've lost it! Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money to pay for this!"

Larry replied, with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!" They downed their drinks. Larry said "OK! I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get on your knees and put it in your mouth."

Said and done, the bar man noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out, forgetting about charging them for the drinks.

They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth bar, Steve said, "Larry - I don't think I can do this anymore. My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"

Larry said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third bar.

[ZX3URrBH]

Today's offering from the fail blog made me laugh.

[EzekelEnzino]

Originally posted by Agathon
As part of his job an Irishman was sent to a workplace psychologist.

After the psychologist had finished the session, the Irishman asked: "Hey Doc, what's this IQ ting that people are always goin on about?"

It stands for "Intelligence Quotient. It's a measure of how intelligent a person is", said the psychologist.

"Oh yeah?", said the Irishman, "Well what would a person with an IQ of 160 be like?"

"An absolute genius", said the psychologist, "Someone of staggering intelligence".

"Well then, what about someone with an IQ of 100?", the Irishman asked.

"That would be a person of normal intelligence", the psychologist replied.

"How about an IQ of 80?" the Irishman inquired.

"Well, someone like that would be quite stupid. They would have trouble with simple mathematical and logical problems, and probably have trouble reading".

The Irishman was intrigued. "What about someone with an IQ of 45?"

"Oh", said the psychologist, "You are really getting low there. Someone with an IQ of 45 would have trouble even tying their own shoelaces."

"Ah I get it", said the Irishman, "that's why so many Australians wear flip-flops."

[adactthrd]

One day little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to check it out.
He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door.
After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her.
Dad yelled, 'Johnny, what the hell are you doing?'
Little Johnny replied, 'It's not so funny when its your mom is it?

[Izzy]

Did you ever hear the joke about the man with five penises?

His pants fit like a glove.

ACK!

[zzbust]

Originally posted by Nostromo
One day little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to check it out.
He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door.
After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her.
Dad yelled, 'Johnny, what the hell are you doing?'
Little Johnny replied, 'It's not so funny when its your mom is it?