[MeeveStesia]

I could turn this into a beat Patty while he's down thread but I'll just say sorry to hear it.

[Unwiseevove]

Originally posted by Oerdin
I could turn this into a beat Patty while he's down thread but I'll just say sorry to hear it.


Sorry Pat. I think it is common to have such regrets shortly afterward (unless the GF was a complete *****).

[Itrtuawh]

But if you had that different plans for kids and if you didn't like her hating on your friends, it almost seemed like you think it wasn't going to work out in the end... so maybe it was better in the end. Yeah, but our plans for kids was not really a decision as much as a reality, she just can't have them. That didn't bother me or her in the beginning when it was just a normal start up relationship that neither of us thought would was going anywhere serious. Unfortunetly it did go somewhere and it was always a dark cloud on the horizon.

There are some other things medical related that put stessors on the relationship.

That makes me feel like even more of an ass though, she can't help her condition and thats the reason I didn't write her off when I met her, she deserves to be able to date and whatnot without being prejudged. We talked about this back before Christmas, how our long term goals didn't match. We decided as long as we were enjoying each other we were fine, but I didn't think I would end up caring as much as I do. I think that was a bad decision, that was a setup for failure.

I didn't realize how much I really cared until she walked out this morning. I am burning to call her her but I need to wait this initial bout of emotions out, and make that decision with a level head. But I don't want to be the retard who passes over a good woman because of preconcieved notions of how my life should proceed either. She is the first girl who ever told me she loved me, and I didn't say it back because I know it couldn't last in the back of my head.

A sort of "Well don't you know that its a fool who plays it cool, By making his world a little colder" situation maybe? Yeah, thats a gay Beatles quote.

Sorry Pat. I think it is common to have such regrets shortly afterward (unless the GF was a complete *****). I figured so. It has just been a LONG time since I have been involved so seriously, I forgot how much a breakup sucks. When I was on sea duty I wouldn't let myself get involved, it just wasn't healthy since I was gone so much. But I figured now that I was home I should try.

And she isn't a *****, she is one of the nicest and itelligent people I ever knew, and the only thing worse than my self pity is me knowing I really hurt her as well, even if she undersants why.

[SDorothy28]

Well, did you discuss adoption or something? Or any other options? Its one thing if she can't have kids due to a condition, but that doesn't mean kids are totally closed off. Some women who can't have kids don't want them at all, and some are willing to explore other options. She is a double lung transplant recipient, cysitc fibrosis. They won't give us an adopted kid because of her condition and because I am in the Navy. I was underway 2 of the last 3 years. I could get out, but the Navy was my dream so that is another balancing act, and my career is definetly the more viable one.

The other major stressor is that double long transplant recitpients have an average life expectancy of 5-10 years afterward. It has been 4 for her, and she is really healthy now, but that can change in an instant because of the flu or phnemonia. All her transplant peers are already dead. She told be that before, but again she was just an awesome girl back then and I didn't think it would get so serious so I didn't worry about it. I was wrong.

The best thing for both of you may be some space to think things out. This is right afterwards and you are still thinking with emotion. Still "inside" a relationship mentality instead of looking at it from the "outside". So to speak. Yeah, I hear you. The reasons seemed so concrete yesterday, but looking at it now not so much. It is probably my perspective at the moment.

[WelcomeMe]

It may seem a bit cold hearted to you, but these are actual very IMPORTANT things. I mean if you think the breakup hurts, imagine if you got closer and closer and then she got really sick and passed away (it'll still hurt knowing, and I'm not saying it won't). Yeah, thats the logic. And honestly I really should have done this months ago but at the same time I really was lost in how great she is. It was stupid letting myself get attached, but relationships often don't follow reason

I did this to myself, no doubt. It still sucks though.

And while she's a great woman, her life expectancy makes a close relationship very, very difficult. Because you KNOW what's going to happen very, very soon. Yeah, when she was just this hot girl my friend knew who turned to be suprisingly cool, that didn't seem like such a big deal. After spending a year together, it does.

And that is a valid reason to end it, but man it SUCKS.

[seekfrieddy]

I would suggest going back to her and enjoying it while it lasts. Guys don't have the limit age wise that women do in regards to children, and if you are back on shore maybe you can adopt?

But than, I am romantic and I think that staying with her would be the romantic thing to do.

JM
(And also, desires for me in a girlfriend is that she is healthy and desires to have kids... so not saying that my thoughts are any different than yours. I just know what would be best in a story.)

[Jeaxatoem]

In all honesty, I know that a lot of my friends are dicks. It doesn't stop me liking them, and them being my friends. I could understand if someone I dated didn't like many of them.

I can see that as being a problem also though.

JM

[maxfreemann]

You know how the Spice Girls song goes. No, Thank God.

[HotboTgameR]

huge red flag thing with GFs who don't appreciate friends

Yeah, if that wasn't an issue, it'd be far harder, IMO... but this is pretty bad and will cause much problem.

[Xiciljed]

You broke up with your grandfather? How could you?

Oh, how sharper than a serpent's tooth is the tongue of an ungrateful child!

[AnIInWon]

It sounds to me like you don't want to get closer to someone who will die someday soon, so the friend and child issues are your out.

ACK!

[Clesylafabada]

Originally posted by Darius871
Damn, now you have to be this guy all over again:

[Dodoerabe]

Originally posted by Aeson


that's only half of them. You should go to youtube and see the others.

[Jifyicyfuhpop]

I don't want to be the retard who passes over a good woman because of preconcieved notions of how my life should proceed either Fair enough.

1. Wanting children is a huge issue. You guys have to be on the same page there.

Edit: My earlier statement implied I don't see adoptive kids in the same way as biological kids. I think they should be treated exactly the same way.

2. She is a good woman, but what she needs is someone who loves her, not someone who feels bad for her because of her situation. I'm speaking personally here.

3. Depends entirely on the friends. I'm not sure what kind of crowd you run with, but your friends can be a real problem. Did she not want you to hang out with your friends, or what was the deal there? Do your friends all say negative things about her?

4. I agree with Tuberski, it does sound like you hardened your heart to prevent from getting too attached to someone who might pass away soon.

[Candykiss]

Originally posted by Ben Kenobi
1. Wanting children is a huge issue. It's not shallow of you to decide that you want them and that you don't want to adopt.

2. She is a good woman, but what she needs is someone who loves her, not someone who feels bad for her because of her situation. I'm speaking personally here. Quoted For Truth.

Keep it at arm's length for a while, get back to doing some of that backlog of awesome stuff you wanted to do for years but never found time to. Come back to this question, if at all, as a level headed person with your wits about you, and see what can come of it then.

It may be that the two of you can compromise on points and continue. Or it may be that your needs are mutually different and you both would be best served by moving on and finding somebody else. Learning that somebody's not quite the right fit for you is progress, not a defeat.

[wmcelesta]

You're just a drama queen starchild.

[homerdienru]

Wanting children is a huge issue.

Yep. Which is why I don't necessarily think that it's just an "out". It's a very, very big thing and I know relationships that had problems because of that 800 lb elephant (and no, I'm not talking about one of the people in the relationship being the elephant ).

[Redys]

Sorry to hear this, Patroklos. Tough situation.

You haven't shared anything about her reaction. Any news there?

[retTreftowhexm]

I don't know, I am really screwed up now. I mean just hurting her feelings like you do when you break up with anyone is tough, but to maybe change someone’s outlook on their life and then just rip it away again, what kind of monster am I? Now I didn't know I had done this, she was always a very strong and matter of fact type about this. It’s only now when she calls me crying that I realize a lot that was show, or at least has become show over the months. It’s like we have swapped positions, with me being the matter of fact one.

Or the other possibility is that she's just telling you what you want to hear right now.

But her calling you crying is not good for either of you at this point. It's just prolonging the pain.

[ftqwhbvxlcfop]

Originally posted by Arrian
Ouch. Tough situation.

The hating on the friends thing strikes a real cord with me. My first GF, my first love, did that. It was ultimately impossible to get around. Her not wanting anything to do with any of my friends made my life miserable. There were other issues, but that one was a killer. Yeah... quite frankly, this is IMO a killer no matter what; even if it doesn't matter that much to you. Being in a relationship means accepting the other person - and all that comes with them - and someone who's not willing to accept your friends means they are not willing to accept you, either; they want to accept an imaginary you that they think they can mold. It might just be your friends right now, but it's a sign of things to come, in my opinion.