[monologue]

I have noticed a small few people have come to this forum of all of us wise and experienced relationship peeps, that will tell their story, the story rings too true, and we give our advice, along with some well-deserved names to the cheaters and/or OW/OM in question.

These people come here hoping that we will blow sunshine up their butts.
Believe me, I understand their pain and confusion, and the fact that they are desperate and not thinking clearly.

So we tell them what we think and what we think of their betrayers. And lo and behold, they start defending the very person that effed them over so badly, and all of a sudden we are the azzholes. So then I have to give them a big "well then be my guest, forgive him/her and quit your complaining"

I'll always be on the side of someone betrayed, but once they attack those of us that are on their side, then I have nothing more to tell them other than move on, forgive them and shut up.

No, I don't really want to get down on someone who is in a fog, and I never will. But when they start with the insults and all of a sudden we are the jerks, not the person that really hurt them, it seems a little off kilter to me.

So I guess this is just me saying, i'll be on someone's side, I'll tell them what I think, and yes, i will call their cheaters the appropriate names.

And if they are still looking to hear what they want to hear, I understand that. But if they come back insulting those of us that are on their side just because we speak the cold hard truth, well sorry, thats when I write them off.

And I will always be this way. A fellow betrayed person that wants to defend their cheater and attack us can pretty much kiss my ass.

[Vznvtthq]

I totally agree with you, and I have seen a lot of that as well, especially on certain other forums.

This is my opinion about it: many times, the people involved with a cheater have their own set of issues. This is what is seen with the people who have been cheated on multiple times and continue to stay and act shocked each time it happens again. That the cheater and this type of betrayed person are both this unhealthy and dysfunctional is probably what attracted them to each other to begin with, even on a subconscious level, like two matching puzzle pieces. It's a co-dependent relationship, and we all know how that goes. So, it is not really a surprise to me that these people will go in search of validation for their sick relationship. They want to be told that love will somehow find a way, when more often than not, that is a falsehood.

I am also one of those people who tell it like it is. I probably come across as harsh a lot, but I simply don't think I'm doing someone any favors by kissing their @ss about a behavior they're engaging in that they are hurting themselves with. Another thing that drives me literally up the wall, are the BS's who intentionally or unintentionally shield the WS and the AP from consequences, but that is another topic for another time.

In conclusion - imo people who get cheated on, more often than not, tend to be the kind of people who are known for being way too nice and tolerant. I refuse to enable them further by BS'ing them about the truth of the matter. And yes, if they just want to defend their cheater and tell the rest of us to screw off, well then they can just lie in the bed they're making as far as I'm concerned.

[GlarlraTpople]

I'm still with my cheater, and I don't care who insults him. Seriously, there is nothing to defend here. Being with him is a sign of my own issues, but I'm not so blind as to think that there is any reason to defend his actions or character.

I really hate when I read "Other than this he's/she's such a wonderful person." No, they aren't. They are liars that fooled you, and me obviously. Wonderful people don't cheat. They don't lie to the face of their spouse, even after being caught. They don't think what they did is "no big deal". My husband is remorseful, and I don't care. I know I don't know every scummy thing he did because he won't tell me and I don't have a time machine. I'm sure he isn't telling me so that we won't fight, but too bad. I have every right to know just how much of a lowlife you really are before I decide once and for all to keep you or toss you out.

Sorry for the rant. As you can see, I do NOT understand defending the cheater. The people defending them are in pain because of them. Why defend that?

[monologue]

stunned, the big difference here is you didn't insult any posters here. And I feel safe in speaking for anyone here that nobody bests you for staying with your husband. Everyone has to make their own choices.

[tinamasak]

Interesting post. I can totally relate to what stunned has said. I'm still with CW. I hate her for what she did. Totally indefensible. I have my own issues as to why I'm still there too. Completely for my children.

Stunned, I get the remorse from my CW too, but I believe her to be very hollow about it. She is so nice until the heats on, then the remorse suddenly dissappears & she fights so aggressively. I think if your CH isn't being completely open with you, then you have to be question the remorse, IMO. My CW puts on a great act. But it's all BS.

Muff & Survived: I agree with you both. You tell it like it is & that's good. I probably fit into the "too nice & tolerant" category. I'm still with my CW for my reasons as I said before (my 2 boys & the age of youngest etc). But thats my way. But I would never defend her. What she did was disgusting. My view will never change from that. I guess I just tolerate her for now.

[GlarlraTpople]

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[Garry Hovard]

I would always get the "I'm 100% committed to you" and "I haven't lied to you in 2 weeks" lines after I would catch my boyfriend in a lie. He only cheated on me once, as far as I know and as far as he will admit, but he was always in contact with other women behind my back and constantly spinning lies daily.

I felt so insulted when he would say that to me. How could he claim to be 100% committed or truthful when I would ALWAYS catch him doing stuff that he shouldn't be doing?!

Oh, the anger is coming back....

[Sakkola]

I am still with my husband. Trying to see where our path goes. However what I love about this forum is the candor. I am a person that tells it like it is. I don't tolerate excuses. When someone gives me the "I don't know" or "I don't remember/forgot" BS! Those are answers my 4 year old gives. Not anyone over 10!

My bluntness is the reason some people have problems talking to me. They don't want to hear the truth. I welcome it. I'm too emotionally involved. I need someone to play devil's advocate. On every other thing in my life, my mind operates on a fact, reasoning, logic level. I don't make decisions or solve problems on emotion. But my hurt and anger is too intense for a good perspective.

I read all responses, even if right now I don't agree with them. I have even asked a lot of you for insight and advice. You may not tell me what I WANT to hear but you tell me what I NEED to hear. Some answers to my problems or others are not what I like to hear, and some I've gone back to after I've dismissed them earlier when my emotions calm.

The people that don't understand that are not ready to face what they need. At one point we all tried rationalizing these issues or making some excuses before our emotions cooled down and we decided on our path. All the advice and experience here helps us decided which path.

Most important, we all have the right to free speech and the PURSUIT of happiness. Some words may hurt (I don't condone inapporiate/violent language) and we may not achieve happiness, we just have the right to speak and pursue happiness-nothing is guaranteed.

My father and husband are vetrans. We are given the gift of freedom and men and women who fight and die to protect our freedom. Respect others. Don't listen if you don't want to hear. Don't knock someone for chosing a different path. Our situtations are all different, yet all the same. (sorry for the rant on freedoms-i hate it when people try and tell others what to say!

The respect for others on this site is incredible. Everyone's 2cents is worth much more than that.

[bashansasasasa]

Interesting thread.

I believe that the truth can be delivered a myriad of ways and I like to deliver it in the kindest way possible, understanding that people who post on this forum come from various social and religious backgrounds.

People who post here, esp the newbies, are sometimes very vulnerable and as a result, my initial posts to them are more gently delivered, after which I get more of a sense of the personality of the OP and I will try to tailor my posts accordingly because I feel doing so provides the most added value for the OP (and helping the OP is really all I care about and its why I still post here).

I appreciate the candor on this forum. It's important to speak truths, especially when betrayed partners are dealing with so many lies. god. I am, however, sometimes shocked at the aggressive delivery of truth. meh.

My motivation is to help people who are struggling with the realization that their partner has betrayed them and I respect all posters who post for the same reason (even where I find the delivery of advice to be aggressive).

I think that different approaches are good. I think the OP benefits from the multitude of personalities on this forum. If we all said the same thing in the same way, this forum would not be as great as it is.

KitKat

[Kamepherype]

I'm still with my husband as well. And I too have noticed the defense of the cheater when the push came to shove of some of the victims. Muffin brings up the good points that we all have seen here. Some of us veterans are a tight bunch, and we jump to each other's aid in those verbal heated discussions, mainly because this site has been huge support.

I stayed with my husband, but NEVER defended his actions and I never will. What he did to me was awful and was unjustifiable. No one deserves to be cheated on, and there is no defense for it.

People have such a hard time being called out when they are wrong or when they make statements that just don't make any sense. That's when they get all defensive and whiny. If you are going to have an argument, be educated about it and it will be respected. It's that simple.

[bashansasasasa]

Everyone deals with the trauma of betrayal differently and it can sometimes take some time before a betrayed person has the courage and strength to confront the truth. I kinda think that sometimes, people don't have the capacity to deal with the pain...they are in SO much pain over the betrayal and are reluctant to confront any truth that brings more (even though we all know that the fastest way to wellness is to accept what has happened...but we don`t all get to acceptance fast).

I agree that for whatever reason, there is a lot more defending of cheaters than when I first joined this site. I`m not sure why that is...but I guess all our stories differ and maybe this is just the ebb and flow of things. More senior members would likely have some input on that.

When people defend their cheater, I see it as part of their reluctance to admit that the CS is NOT the person they believed. Also it could be a manifestation fo their low self esteem. OR it could be about the fact that they are not ready to bring in more pain. Either way, I am very tolerant of it because I also struggled to really see my ex for who he was and not for who I wanted him to be and it actually doesn`t bother me AT ALL. Rather, I feel sad for the betrayed person because I know they have lots ahead of them.

KitKat

[brulpcoersero]

I agree with you Kat, defending the betrayer is so disheartening. I wonder sometimes why bother coming here if in your head your not even going to listen to reason. I can understand the disbelief at first but when they constantly defend the cheater POS and berate the people trying to shake some sense into them, why come here??

[bUqLfXRI]

I stayed with my husband too. I have noticed that newer members are defending their cheater... I sort of did at first, but I don't anymore. He owned up to what he did. What happened was never my fault, I was a good wife to him then, and I'm still a good wife to him now.

I agree with the comments saying that most haven't realized what is going on, or are in denial.

I was never in denial about what my husband did... more confused about the whys.

[tinamasak]

The one thing I love about this forum and contributions made, is that it maintains the rage. And I mean that in a good way. For those of us still with our CS, it is easy to become suppressed by their manipulation.

I, like others on here, have a CS that never wants to talk about their betrayal and don't like us talking to others. I find when I come here after a few days away, I get a large dose of reality check.

But the forum also puts a smile on my face with some of the humour, and that's great!

[monologue]

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[Vznvtthq]

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[monologue]

speaking of mamby pamby land, it reminds me of Denis Leary when talking about whiners and how their lives didn't turn out just like they hoped.

cheaters do this, they whine about how they are unhappy and didn't get every little need met. Denis Leary would say, "well join the f###ing club!!"

[Mearticbaibre]

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[Vznvtthq]

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[Vznvtthq]

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