[arindiruppya]

Here's the back-story:

I've been dating my girlfriend for almost 2 years (it will be 23 months on the 16th of November), and I love her to bits.

I am a white Australian living in Sydney, and my mum is a full blooded Italian (so I guess I have more Italian blood than anything else). Being a purist Italian my mum is not one of the most tolerant people around (I mean I am sure she had her fair share of racism directed at her when she moved to Australia when se was young).

My girlfriend is Chinese but she has lived in this country for 80% of her life and speaks more fluent English than probably me, lol! She's beautiful and I love her very much.

As you can see I adore her to bits... but ever since day one my mum has had a problem me dating her. At first my mum would just try and talk me out of spending time with her, but gradually over the 2 year period (almost 2 years that is) her comments have become more hurtful and graphic and downright disrespectful.

I am a very good natured person and usually am able to brush things off calmly knowing that as long as I am happy it does not matter what anyone else says... but when the person pulling the punches is your own mother it gets very hard.

I won't go into graphic detail about some of the racial slurs she says about her, or that she sniggers to my brother behind my back... but it's the kind of thing that you would not even say if you were even joking.

My mum refuses to want to get to know her, and every time my girlfriend tries to make an effort to get on my mum’s good side, my mum will always find something wrong with her. But it’s not fair, my girlfriend and I should not have to work extra hard just to get my mum to tolerate her. She’s pretty much banned from my place… I mean she can come, but my mum (and my brother who is a 26 year old freeloading bum still living off my folks) make it so uncomfortable for her and are rude as all hell.

Here’s the kicker though! My dad is ¼ Chinese!!! I say to mum “for god’s sake you married a part Chinese husband yourself!” but in reply to that, and let me warn you this may be offensive to some folks, she said: “Yes, but he was a very attractive man. However we have been doing well to get rid of those genes in our family ever since his father… that was before you came and screwed everything up with your girlfriend”. I mean W…. T…. F???? That totally blew me away!

I don't know how much more I can take... and I am afraid that if I let it happen for much longer I am just going to get really angry... and I don't want that to happen. But like most Italian mothers (picture Ray's mother on Everybody Loves Raymond and you have what my mum is like), she refuses to see anything wrong with what she says. Not only that, she said she will never tolerate the girl whom I love.

I’ve tried talking to her but it never works. I talk to mad dad who is very tolerant and understanding… but that does not really help because my mum would just continue to bully my girlfriend anyway.

I am really upset and don't know what to do.

[secondmortgages]

Maybe try to understand your mum what problem she have with chinese in the first place?

[mybooboo]

Maybe try to understand your mum what problem she have with chinese in the first place?

Sounds like his mom is just racist because she's not Italian, or not white. With people like that there is no other reason then it's how they think, how they were raised to think from birth by their parents, they don't know they are wrong because all their life while growing up that was the way to think and there was nothing wrong with it. To her what she's saying isnt' wrong because thats how she was prolly raised to think. How you are raised has a big effect on how you think even if it's not PC.

As to the OP, wish i could help you out with some advice but the only thing i can think is to say hang in there. I have known people in the same situation and they ended up either breaking up with the person they were seeing or they just stopped talking to their family and basically left them because of their intolerances. It almost sounds though that with your mom you'll end up either breaking up with your girl or just blow off your family. Sucks when you have to make a decision between family and the person you love.

[arindiruppya]

Sounds like his mom is just racist because she's not Italian, or not white. With people like that there is no other reason then it's how they think, how they were raised to think from birth by their parents, they don't know they are wrong because all their life while growing up that was the way to think and there was nothing wrong with it. To her what she's saying isnt' wrong because thats how she was prolly raised to think. How you are raised has a big effect on how you think even if it's not PC.

As to the OP, wish i could help you out with some advice but the only thing i can think is to say hang in there. I have known people in the same situation and they ended up either breaking up with the person they were seeing or they just stopped talking to their family and basically left them because of their intolerances. It almost sounds though that with your mom you'll end up either breaking up with your girl or just blow off your family. Sucks when you have to make a decision between family and the person you love.

In regards to the first paragraph, I know what you mean. I've told her before that I know that she might've had a different upbrinning and how her generation where she comes from might've had strong opposition to the idea. But I try and remind her but today's generation is different, and that I've learnt in my life that its stupid holding onto prejudices based on race alone... but still won't make her unstand.

I know that eventaully I will need to make a choice I don't want to make... I just hate this damn situation!

[stastony]

lol damn, what a crappy situation to be in.

Well, barring a miracle, you're probably not going to change your mom's mind. Frankly, it's pretty amazing she didn't brainwash you into some kind of racist like her!

Anyway, do you still live close to or with your parents? If so, moving out might be a good idea just so that she can't get on your case all day long.

You have probably thought of this, but....should *anything* bad happen to your relationship with your chinese girlfriend, expect major flak and endless variations of "told you so" from your dear mother.

[ElectraDupu]

Anyway, do you still live close to or with your parents?

This is my question too. Are you old enough and in a position to support yourself ?

You don't have to put up with this awful behaviour and certainly not from your own mother.
At first I thought she may be trying the "protective mother" card but the snide comments and "insider jokes" are plain childish and deliberate.

She really should know better but hey you're not gonna change that, the boys above have said so.
Don't feel bad if you decide that you can't deal with/talk to her anymore, it happens in many families, you are not alone.

[Nikitka]

your mother has had ample oppertunity to change is determined not to - you're going to have to make a choice - I'd go for the girl, myself.
you don't 'have to' love your parents but it would seem you do, it's also true you don't have to like your mother - even if you do love her.

The only thing that may wake her up is if you get angry with her and possibly scare her a little with an ultimatum - either she shapes up or you're going to sever relations with her until she does, and do so. No reason you can't still see the rest of the family you get on well with.

BTW, how does her family feel about you? I've a lot of Chinese friends and, while they're parents happy with them having non-Chinese friends and partners, they're usually expected to marry another Chinese.

[arindiruppya]

Thanks for all the replies so far guys... it really helps to read other people's thoughts.

In answer to some of the questions above... I am 22 and still live at home but have been saving over the past 2 years to finally move out... so moving away is something that has been on the agenda for quite some time now. I am just waiting for the right time to be able to do it and be completely financially self-sufficient. I have a stable job, and can support myself.. but have been waiting for the right time (renting or buying propery here in Sydney is terrible!).

I agree that moving away is probably the best option. After all, I have been old enough not to have to put up with such negativity for a while now.

I have already made plans to move overseas to Japan in early 2009 to further my international cinema studies... and while it gives me the right amount of time between now and then to get myself sorted financially (and job wise), it might not be soon enough given this dog of a situation I am in. I guess I have to think long and hard about it a little more.

BTW, how does her family feel about you? I've a lot of Chinese friends and, while they're parents happy with them having non-Chinese friends and partners, they're usually expected to marry another Chinese.

They are very happy with me. They let me go over as often as I want and invite me to many family outings. I asked my girl if her folks were okay with me and she told me that they prefer me much more to the asian dude she dated before me.... surprising but very comforting. I just wish I could offer my girl the same hospitality at my house... but we are fine me spending most of my time at hers.

[Ijkavylo]

Maybe not the best advise,
but just tell your mom to stfu (and no i´m not kidding either)
Tell her that her racial BS is really getting on your ****ing nuts, you don´t give a **** what she thinks, it´s none of her business and she should just stfu and stop being a ****,..


I´m really meaning every word that i said ^^,
I did the same a few times back in the days (although because of something different) and although it was rather disrespectful and rude,
It absolutely did it´s job.
Never again another word.

[Biradallo]

Maybe not the best advise,
but just tell your mom to stfu (and no i´m not kidding either)
Tell her that her racial BS is really getting on your ****ing nuts, you don´t give a **** what she thinks, it´s none of her business and she should just stfu and stop being a ****,..


I´m really meaning every word that i said ^^,
I did the same a few times back in the days (although in a because of something different) and although it was rather disrespectful and rude,
It absolutely did it´s job.
Never again another word.

Wow...

I agree with it though, clear language is sometimes the only thing which helps [yes]

And I wouldn't put up with this, it would do you more harm being put down all the time then a healthy fighting argument would do.

[tigoCeree]

If it were me and I had to choose either I would go with the Girlfriend.
She is your soulmate and best friend and will eventually be family anyway.

[TolleyBoymn]

Maybe not the best advise,
but just tell your mom to stfu (and no i´m not kidding either)
Tell her that her racial BS is really getting on your ****ing nuts, you don´t give a **** what she thinks, it´s none of her business and she should just stfu and stop being a ****,..


I´m really meaning every word that i said ^^,
I did the same a few times back in the days (although because of something different) and although it was rather disrespectful and rude,
It absolutely did it´s job.
Never again another word.

I suggest you say this just before you find some place to move to.

[arindiruppya]

Maybe not the best advise,
but just tell your mom to stfu (and no i´m not kidding either)
Tell her that her racial BS is really getting on your ****ing nuts, you don´t give a **** what she thinks, it´s none of her business and she should just stfu and stop being a ****,..


I´m really meaning every word that i said ^^,
I did the same a few times back in the days (although because of something different) and although it was rather disrespectful and rude,
It absolutely did it´s job.
Never again another word.

Yeah I've done that too...

When I said I have been fairly calm about the whole thing, I mean I have not gone completely cukoo about it, or done something that has put me in the wrong. There have been times where she has been so in my face I have literally told her to STFU.

However, one thing about Italian mothers (as I am sure folks here who have met one can testify): you tell them to STFU, they just say it straight back at you. There's nothing I can say to her that she won't crave as fuel to continue going on, and on, and on, and on.

So while I get what you mean Golem, and despite having done it before (to that extent), I've realised that its merely fuel for the fire.

[Everwondopedo]

Would you tolerate this behaviour from anyone else? No, then don't tolerate it from her.

Sure, she's your mother, but that doesn't mean that she can do/say what she wants.

Family loyalty/love/respect can only work up to a point, if your mother feels that her racial attitudes mean more to her than your feelings then you obviously don't rate very highly in her world.

Moving out and giving her time to realise what she is doing is probably the best option.

[erepsysoulptnw]

**** situation to be in for sure [thumbdown] Anyone else, an STFU and hit upside the head would be enough, but being your mom, thats not really an option. Lots of stuff you can say about Italians, but that may not be the right course. Would be nice if she could get a taste of what she was dishing out. That would probably shut her up [thumbdown]

[CathBraunn]

my mother would go apeshit if I had a child with a black woman or even an Asian (she would probably be less angry though).

its just the way families are its not racism per say its about continuing the blood line the way the family has always done it.

Its unfair but what can you do.

Luckily I dont find black women attractive but I would do a chineese bird.


worse thing for me would be that if I was a mother or father and my son brought home a man and said I'm in love and we want to get married it would be so distructive because effectivly he has killed off one branch of the family if he doesnt have any children

got no probs with gay or mixed race relationships in fact i find forigen women attractive but just not African

im sure someone will put a slur on me for my comment

[CathBraunn]

If it were me and I had to choose either I would go with the Girlfriend.
She is your soulmate and best friend and will eventually be family anyway.

quite a big risk there matey.

your mother is your best friend usually

[espabamar]

quite a big risk there matey.

your mother is your best friend usually

Having read the thread I don't think it's a big risk at all, it's not like he's asking her for anything other than support.

[WelcomeMe]

Tell your mother to **** off.

if that doesn't work, punch her in the face.

[CathBraunn]

Having read the thread I don't think it's a big risk at all, it's not like he's asking her for anything other than support.

I know it wont happen, but I can see him telling his mum to **** off and causing untold damage between them and then to add insult to injury his girlfriend suddenly gets it into her head and decides that all the hassle and stress has profoundly damaged the relationship and poof hes hes on his own

women are nutcases like that trust me.