And she's a total rah.

And she's 20-fucking-4 but acts like a 16 year-old.

And her amateur dramatics are tiring.

And oh look, it's one of the Madonna twins at her audition.

And Smile is "an emotional song for her."

And she's...just a tosser. Simple as that.

GASP! SCANDAL!

etc: Oh I've just done some reading about this, that's quite naughty that is.

So they're releasing "Heroes" by Bowie for this year's charity single, in aid of Help For Heroes. I'm guessing their version won't have the quotation marks?

http://sondrak.com/images/uploads/pope_face_palm.jpg

There will be a Cher Lloyd rap in the middle of it. What is their obsession with heroes? I am getting angry!

I think Cher will do a bit of Soulja Boy in the middle. "SUPERMAN THAT HO" and all that.

BTW, tonight's theme is apparently...

Musical heroes. YAWN. At least it's not big band week, the only good part of which is The Bublé.

I'm looking forward to finding out who Katie Waissel's hero is.

Tonight:

• Storm Lee was Geraldine McQueen. Comic masterstroke there, Louis.
• Treyc was a bit flat and not as good on Purple Rain as Ruth from two years ago.
• Paije struggled a bit.
• Wand Erection did fairly well except for Zain who is clearly the Sarah Harding of the band.
• Speaking of Sarah Harding, Belle Amie were tres Girls Aloud tonight, and of course I approve.
• http://www.discussworldissues.com/fo...s/loveicon.gifCHERhttp://www.discussworldissues.com/fo...s/loveicon.gif - no idea why she has so many detractors.
• John has the same problem as ever - technically good but so boring.
• Diva Fever... whatever.
• Rebecca sounded a bit off again.
• Aiden was horrendous. I'm back on the haterade.
• Wagner remains infinitely preferrable to Diva Fever in the novelty/"you're FUN/you're all about ENTERTAINMENT/I like you because you're DIFFERENT" category.
• Katie - fair play, it was a decent vocal. Still hatin' tho.
• Tesco Mary was predictably good but needs to change it up.
• Aww, Matt in the Hat. The bears behind me in the bar went absolutely wild for him.

Tomorrow: The Claw and The Cunt!

I am SO EXCITED to hear Katy try to screech her way through Firework. She's all about the ENTERTAINMENT!

Anyway, in the style of Callum:

• I missed Storm but I love him and Springsteen. http://www.discussworldissues.com/fo...lies/frown.gif
• Treyc is veering into boring territory. I like her, but in a sort of uninterested sort of way.
• Paije DID struggle a bit. I love him, but it was a boring song choice.
• Wand Erection are just horrible and really, Kelly Clarkson is their musical hero?
• Belle Amie - eh. Better than last time, but still a little ("a little") contrived. The two last-minute groups feel even more cynical than the usual lot.
• Liked Cher a lot, although the performance wasn't as exciting and adventurous as we were led to believe.
• John's great but the poor bastard's boring and probably won't last long when we really get into it.
• Diva Fever!! LOL!! rnt gay ppl funny.
• Rebecca was not as fierce and outgoing as they were pretending she was and she was dwarfed by the song. As soon as it ended she just went back to being meek and mild too, which made her dark lipstick look very silly and obvious.
• Aiden is amazing but a complete car crash. I almost wanted to leave the room at the start because I could see it going awry. When he opens his eyes he looks crazy, and when he closes his eyes he looks indulgent and wanky. He always looks like a twitchy shortbus serial killer.
• Didn't really pay attention to Wagner this week.
• Didn't really pay attention to Katie this week.
• Didn't really pay attention to Tesco Mary this week.
• Didn't really pay attention to Matt this week.

As you can see, I can't really survive the whole 2 and a half hours.

Diana Vickers?! What a coup!

I will also play.

* I also missed Storm, because I was busy watching Ann Widdecombe on Strictly Come Dancing. Don't judge me!
* Treyc is just another nondescript "big" vocalist. Some notes were decidedly off.
* Thought Paije was semi-terrible.
* Can't remember anything about the Wand Erection performance.
* Belle Amie much better than last week.
* I like Cher, she seems like one of the few with some natural charisma. Agree that it wasn't as OMGORIGINAL as billed but at least I remember her.
* Have to echo sentiments about John - really good voice but also really bland
* Diva Fever. Can't really think of anything to say. Just making up the numbers.
* Rebecca really not as good as they are saying. I like what Tracey Thorn said on Twitter: "Shy Rebecca is getting away with murder I think, given that so far she has been too shy to sing in tune"
* Aiden was horrific this week. I thought the serial killer-ness was a one-off but obviously not.
* Apparently Wagner and Tesco Mary are at it.
* Katie looked like a Furby.
* Tesco Mary did a decent job on a Dusty classic; wasn't too keen on the chorus but yeah it was quite good. But she's in danger of becoming Jane McDonald.
* Matt was boring.

I actually quite like My Wicked Heart:



Whoooooopahh! Whooooopahh! The bit when she's marching in front of the drummers is amazing.

I have to say, having scorned The Claw when she was a contestant, I quite like My Wicked Heart and Once. She's not very capable with a whip, though.

Having seen the Wicked Heart video I now like it quite a lot, but on the night live it was odd loud mumbling and lots of stamping and half hearted attempts at sexyquirk. It made me feel sad for kidz todaey not having a real Toyah. But VC's alright.

The contestants were mostly just boring. They could clear out half of them as obvious no hopers now. One Direction (who will probably win) still seem to be dancing against eachother (or is that an ironing comment on their names?) while miming to their backing singers.

I've heard better Dusty Springfield soundalikes than "Tesco Exclusively Stocking X Factor Magazine" Mary's, angel though she undoubtedly is.

Aiden's the closest thing to a sexy male and I like what he's trying to do but needs to start hitting more of the right notes too.

Perennial gripe: It's soboreng the way the judges agree with eachother 99% of the time, I wish they would give some actual advice to the contestants. It would be more watchable if they had the coreographer or singing coach appraising the performances rather than endless "youmadeityourown Iwouldbuythatalbum Youwerentatyourbest Thewrongchoiceofsong".

But Twitter (esp contributions from those of "you lot" therein) makes it fun!

Not much feeling anyone in this year's show apart from Matt and possibly Katie, but she is annoying :/

Cher needs to be gagged and bound and never let out of her house again. Makes me want to smack here every time she "sings", although if Katy Perry can sell millions of records and be that shit, on ye go Cher!

If I could be bothered I'd do a fourfour-style video of Cheryl saying variations of "you look/sound/perform like a popstar". Louis is getting to that point with "that would be a number one record".

EDIT: Maxed out Cheryl bingo card!

If I hear "that was genius," "you have the likeability factor," "you could be a brilliant recording artist," or "that was incredible" when it clearly wasn't one more time, I'm going to do something. What it is yet I've not decided, but I will do something!

(Also, Simon Cowell's hand looked suspiciously waxed again today.)

Tonight was fucking awful television and it annoys me that they expected me to sit patiently through the whole 135 minutes.

I did not.

It's like a Primark Eurovision over 14 consecutive weekends. There are moments but they're ever more easily missed.

Aiden and or
#
EARWIG ATTACK

ETA: Earwig captured and expelled

Aiden and/or "Generic Supermarket Checkout Employee Please Don't Fine Us OFCOM Mary" should do Tainted Love. Love how the judges think Mary making it from Tesco to the X Factor is a feat akin to the first primordial slime pulling on its first gucci underwear. They probably think that of people who still have to go to supermarkets, never mind the morlocks who have to work there.

If Wagner stays we're in ever increasing danger of getting the Macarena, probably mashed up with Professional Widow.

"Micheal Buble" is trending on twitter. Oh X Facter. Oh Britian.

Oh dear.

And am I the only one that finds Buble and his accelerating ubiquity deeply irksome?

Yes, the Bublé is so beautiful to me.

Actually I wasn't paying attention tonight, but I do love Just Haven't Met You Yet. He's such a scamp.