[Mynameishappy]

[Nemerov]

I used to like Jamie until he said "Manchester is like London from two years ago."

THE SOUTHERN CUNT.

[Swidemaiskikemu]

I know, he is so going to get karmically retributed for that.

As ever, loving The Apprentice this year. On The X Factor, Mary was shit on Saturday. As were most of them. Cuntie Weasel sat in a heap on the floor, cried a bit, did some more amateur dramatics, and got through. Got to the stage where I don't care anymore. Oh and they had Shayne Ward back! You know the bit at the start where they have the clips and all the text "67 million albums sold! 14 No.1 hits!" etc. Poor Shayne. They had to make do with "three million albums sold worldwide" and "nine platinum discs."

[Nemerov]

"10 GCSES
1 NICKELBACK COVER
HIS MUM SAYS HE'S HANDSOME
...SHAYNE! WARD!"

Anyway. The universe speaks louder than me, and Jamie will get his. HORRIBLE PEOPLE, ganging up on me.

[Nemerov]

IT'S THE START OF THE LIVE SHOWS TONIGHT! And we've already had "sore throat" drama, so what else can prompt amateur dramatics this year? Katie will probably start crying on stage because somebody got her lunch from Tesco instead of Waitrose.

[Swidemaiskikemu]

I will be tuning in.

For some reason I find more to be interested about this year. Such as:
- Cher Lloyd making hip-hop amendments to songs during the obligatory power ballad week
- General wave of loathing toward Katie Waisselvogellolafontainewaissel
- Seeing what theatrics Katie Waisselvogellolafontainewaissel can come up with
- Laughing at the terrible makeovers (Liam's hair in one of the promo pictures looked like a tea cosy)
- Seeing which one Cowell calls a "relevant pop artist"
- Gamugate

[gamblingstats]

I've only caught a few episodes this year so I'm not completely clued in with all the dramas. I watch it mostly for twitter these days.

[Swidemaiskikemu]

Quick summary is that Cher and Katie flunked their judges' houses auditions (Cher had sore throat, Katie indulged in a spot of carefully-positioned crying during the oh-so-emotional Smile) but Cheryl put them through anyway ahead of Gamu, who did a good audition. Cole reportedly told Gamu faced deportation to Zimbabwe so not to let her in. Katie has had record deals before and contacts in the industry.

As has Storm, who reportedly worked with/knows Ozzy Osbourne yet during his judges' house audition Sharon showed no hint of knowledge of this.

[Nemerov]

And they've since made Storm over to look like Sharon! The plot thickens.

[Swidemaiskikemu]

I look forward to seeing this!

Current thoughts. FYD are shite. Is Matt's hat stitched to his head? And they have really pointed out the similarities between When Love Takes Over and Coldplay's Clocks here.

[Nemerov]

UGH, SIMON. Louis' song was apparently "number 1 in New Zealand...stretching it a bit." Here are the peak chart placings for One Sweet Day:



Simon's choice for FYD, Billionaire by Travie McCoy, reached number 1 in the Netherlands. It reached number 1 in the UK's R&B chart, but only number 3 in the PROPER CHARTS.

[Swidemaiskikemu]

So, Katie looked like a prize tit.



Aiden was rocking straitjacket-cum-baby's-bib chic (and looked rather mental asylum-y)





And Tesco Mary was like Dawn French in the ballet episode of Vicar of Dibley

[nonDosearrany]

I voted for Wagner; I couldn't stop laughing during his performance.

LOAF SHACK

[Timoxari]

We caught up with the live shows today. Matt is my favourite. Matt with Hatt.

[Obgrfbke]

Cheryl's Girls: I still love Cher, and her performance was pretty good. Treyc knocked it out of the park - brilliant performance of a tired old song. I like Rebecca but her performance was a bit weak. And ugh, Katie can get to fuck - I thought I might have to eat my words as she managed the first verse reasonably well but it went rapidly downhill.

Dannii's Boys: Having hated extensively on Aiden previously (Gold Digga was excruciatingly embarrassing, This Year's Love was off-key) I was pleasantly surpised by his performance. I think Nicolo will be going home - he sings very well when given the right material, but Just Dance was a bad choice. I really like Matt, but his performance could have been better. Paije was great.

Louis' Over-28s: Tesco Mary was good. John struggled to bring anything of interest to the world's naffest song. Storm Lee and Wagner were twin puddles of hot mess, but entertaining hot mess.

Simon's Groups: Wand Erection are blatantly going to win, and I'm happy with that. I liked Belle Amis at their judges' houses audition, but they blotted their copybook with fucking Airplanes. Same goes for FYD. Ugh, Diva Fever.

[Timoxari]

I want to do a breakdown like that! Yeah!

Girls: I LOVE Cher. She is a wonderful performer. Rebecca - snore. Treyc (wtf at that spelling) - snore. They're both just stock. Am I the only person who loves Katie? I find her so charming.

Boys: Matt is my favourite, I adore him. Paije is presh. I depise Aiden, I think he is shit and his face was terrifying. I also hate Nicololololo.

Over 28s: The reality is that none of them will win, but clearly Mary is very very talented. I HATE Storm Lee - he would be hilarious if he didn't take himself so seriously. Wagner to win!

Groups: One Direction were a SHAMBLES. The fact that both of Simon's "manufactured" bands went through is suspect, especially as they do not deserve it. Diva Fever's addition is pointless. Bellathingie were good in bootcamp but that performance was really tedious. FYD are shit.

[Nemerov]

Belle Amis are fucking awful. Wand Erection are too. Both are all over the place and quite obviously slapped together, and I could root for them, but I probably won't. Diva Fever - what does the lesser Diva do other than prance about? FYD - horrid song choice.

Tesco Mary is good, but she's not X Factor winner material. She'd be Lady Brookstein. John is a non-entity, but that's not his fault - I don't remember seeing him before the judge's houses. Storm Lee is GR8. Wagner's segue into Love Shack was amazing.

Aiden is shit, self-indulgent, awkward, annoying, and he performs like a fucking serial killer. But Mad World worked for him, in a weird, unhinged sort of way. It was odd to see a performance like that on X Factor, because vocally it sounded like it needed to have silly experimental production and Pitchfork raving about how it opens up some new genre like killerwave or whatever. Nicolo is likeable in a weird way, but yeah, he couldn't really manage with Just Dance (still amazing, mind). I like Matt, but his whiny little bitch schtick will get old fast and his hats are awful. Paije is my favourite, though his '80s rapper costuming was bizarre (but good).

I hate Cher, but I'm coming around. Her performance was amazing. Properly amazing! Teryc was great vocally, but I'd stopped caring about anything by that point, it had gone on so long. Katie is a heinous cunt and that performance/costuming was the height of trying too hard. I forget which one Rebecca even is. Oh! The Scouser. Yeah, she's okay.

Geordie Joe continues to be lovely. I love Ursher but I'm worried about him. Yeah, yeah, yeah! Yeah! Yeah!...yyyeah!

[Timoxari]

Why does everyone hate Katie?

[Nemerov]

Because she's a

prize tit

[Swidemaiskikemu]

I think people found her judges' house "breakdown" insincere.

(But also she's had record deals before and has performed under the names Katie Vogel and Lola Fontaine, had a YouTube series, and has various industry contacts. Also had a fling with Michael from The Apprentice and, allegedly, James Blunt!)