[UFJon]

A book of humorous quotations will not fail to have a few from this genre's practitioners, and those I've come across are so rib-ticklingly funny that I thought of making a thread here to get more funny lines, secondhand experience (to those who've been to such live shows, post your review!s), and acquainted to more whom I should check out.

To date I've found gems by Rita Rudner, George Carlin, Steven Wright, and Bob Hope; Emo Phillips' makes me roar for the religious bent, and I know Groucho Marx doesn't really belong here but damn he's funny.

So your favourites, spill!

[fluoxet]

I haven't got an exact quote but when I saw Dylan Moran he did a hilarious routine about Silvio Berlusconi:

He's so corrupt that every time he opens his mouth an angel gets Gonorrhea.

I love this Denis Leary routine about coffee.



Funny and true!

[fluoxet]

No Bill Hicks in this thread yet!

[Seisyvose]

Maria Bamford is one of my favorite people in the whole world.



"You can't change people. You can't change me. I'm a gypsy. I'm a sea cow. Yeah, I know the motorboats are gonna hit me, but this is where I FUCKING SWIM!."

I fucking love Maria too!



"Yeah, good luck with what you're doing, Meeerlin with your book of spells and potions!"


I just got into Pete Holmes lately. Love this bit on magic.

[fluoxet]

Reginald D Hunter Live - Understanding People

[Seisyvose]

^ that was great.

[fluoxet]

Dara O'Briain is always great.

[DraidodaRip]

I haven't got an exact quote but when I saw Dylan Moran he did a hilarious routine about Silvio Berlusconi:





I love this Denis Leary routine about coffee.



Funny and true!

"A man so crooked he sleeps on a spiral staircase!" I love Dylan. I spent a good portion of last night quoting him. And I watch his stuff a fair bit when I'm at work. My favourite bit of his that i've seen so far is this:


Denis Leary is also a favourite, and the coffee flavored coffee rant is one of the best things he's done.

Dara O'Briain is also wonderful. He's got a bit of a similar style to Dylan but he does a lot of chatty bits with the audience (which I find annoying for the most part but he's quite good at it).

Bill Maher's "But I'm Not Wrong" had me in fits through the whole thing.


George Carlin was a downright brilliant comedian. I've seen bits of Rudner's acts on Just for Laughs episodes through the years and she's been pretty hilarious. I have several Margaret Cho DVDs and love her. "You a real good judge of normal, with your gold dress and your matchin' gold hat. Living in the Vatican with 500 other menz..." . Elvira Kurt had a great one hour special on the Comedy Network here years ago that was SO awesome, but her more recent stuff hasn't been as great. Nikki Payne also had a special (part of the same series) and at points I was weeping from laughing so hard. I haven't seen much of Russell Peters' newer material but I really liked a lot of his old stuff. There are a few local comedians at home that are quite good but I don't think people outside of Nova Scotia/the east coast would *really* get it.

[fluoxet]

This Phil Jupitus routine about spiders is


Category 1 Spiders


Category 2 Spiders & First Category 3 Sighting


Second Category 3 Sighting

[aaaaaaaabbbby]

Paula Paula Paula.

[freeringtonesioo]

Omid Djalili:

[retTreftowhexm]

Maria Bamford is one of my favorite people in the whole world.



"You can't change people. You can't change me. I'm a gypsy. I'm a sea cow. Yeah, I know the motorboats are gonna hit me, but this is where I FUCKING SWIM!."

[aaaaaaaabbbby]

She can be absolutely awful at times, but when she's good she's hysterical.

[oneliRafmeene]

I absolutely love his delivery.

[Skete]

Gabriel Iglesias, so funny! It's a little long, but one of my favorites.

[Dabdklwu]

Bo Burnham is a singing comedian. His lyrics are very clever and oftentimes have double meanings. (language)



Bonus song

This is an actual video for the song Words, Words, Words, and not just a standup vid, so if you're not into that, you can just listen and read the lyrics below the vid.



i'm a feminine eminem, a slim shady lady
but nice cause i texted haiti
90 lady cops on the road and i'm arrested for doing 80.
like hamlet, all about "words, words, words"
divide a whole into thirds, thirds, thirds.
i'm a gay sea otter.
i blow other dudes out of the water.
i'm the man muffin, divin', muffin,
cold and fly like an arctic puffin,
puffin whacky tobaccy
hatin other rappers like i'm Helga Pataki
and i've been rockin this mic before electricity
way back in 1000 BCE - thats before the common era.
i can't be stopped, flow so sick that it should be mopped up
chick's got a dixie cup, i gotta dick full of helium, i'll fuck you up.
a boy, a girl, a middle aged bitch, botox in the third person.
i give the perspective a switch and bo talks in the third person.
just relax, if you wanna know me, here's two facts

i hate catchy choruses and i'm a hypocrite.
hungry hungry hippocrite.
i hate catchy choruses and i'm a hypocrite.

met a girl named Macy had sex with her all day,
but she was dyslexic, so i ended up doin the YMCA
we ballin, asian, wii bowlin, prostate cancer semi-colon,
find that hole like i'm Stephen Hawking,
Atticus Finch, killing, mocking.
cry like a child would, you raped my childhood
just stroll in, roll in your pole into Rolie Polie Olie's colon.
to relax my mind i take a walk by the clock and i pass the time and
rhymin, mathematic timin, syntax impacts the intact hymen.
i'm an internet provider, came from the web like a horny spider,
fucked a girl in an apple orchard, then came in cider (inside her)
i thought AIDS was a butt virus like conjunction junction conjunctivitis
i spit gold bars cause i was molested by my uncle midas
gay dads blow pops, another sucker,
oedipus was the first motherfucker.

chorus.

we the people of the USA
jose, we're not talkin to you, esse.
we got a border in order to keep you out,
it's what my NYU essay's about
cause we're, xenophobic warrior princess,
molested by my uncle sam, is that incest?
"I WANT YOU" to smell my finger
does my nephew's scent still linger?
south of queers, north of hell,
the queer ones suck and the brown one's smell
we guard the border and we guard it well
but some slip through the cracks of the liberty bell
did i say liberty? i meant taco, paco, hey you better let that rock go
cause in real life goliath wins
and then sells all the silk that the widow spins.

chorus

bitches and hoes, bo's hoes, oh, bitches and hoes, bitches, hoes.
bitches and hoes don't exist because the hoes know bo's a feminist,
bitches and hoes don't exist because the hoes know bo's a feminist
so take off your bras and burn em or you can let me burn em
take off your bras and burn em, or you can let bo burnham burn em.


tiny bit of language

[NanoKakadze]

I can't believe how often the "women aren't funny" BS is still tossed about.

So, in that respect, here are some of my favourite funnypeople. Who also happen to have vagine.
With a distinctly Oz bent, as I'm sure you're all familiar with most of my other favourites...

BEST:





JULIA MORRIS:





KITTY FLANAGAN:





JUDITH LUCY:





FIONA O'LOUGHLIN:

[NanoKakadze]

Oh, and this!

Genius.

[UFJon]

We're porn material for God?

[BqTyG9eS]

Funnier with better acting and less scripted "wit".

I think he's ridiculously overrated. Here's proof!