[Discus]

Assalamu-alaikum,

I need a bit of Islamic guidance regarding my marriage.

I have been married to my husband for over 3 years now, we live alone in our own house, the groo was off my choice but Alhumdulilla parents were involved in our marriage and to date are happily involved in our life.

After our wedding my husband changed his behaviour toward me, he constantly argues with me over nothing, will find small mistakes on everything and create a huge fuss out of it. We both are educated mashallah, he has had more success in securing a job whilst I didnt, my career is very competitive and securing a training contract proved very hard over recession. For two years after marriage I was a housewife, though I could have applied for jobs in London but decided not to as my husband didnt see why I had to travel to London and waste half my salary on traveling expenses. He earned decent salary so I didnt push for the jobs in London, I preferred keeping peace in the house.

I thought I did the right thing but my husband blames me for being a failure in life, not having a job or bringing in my share of the money. On many occasion he has accused me saying I am with him because of this money and asked me to explain household spending to him. His constant nagging over two years forced me to get a sales job (I have now been working for a year), although I was over qualified for the role I lied on my CV and hide all my qualifications to get the job. Soon after I got the job last year my husband got made redundant, even though my salary was low alhumdulilla we got by on it. I supported my husband and encouraged him whilst he was looking for another role and 3 months later he did find another job.

To cut a long story short, I fell pregnant just after my husband got his new job and naturally six months in to the pregnancy I took maternity leave. My husband didnt nag me to keep a job at the time nor did he accuse me of not bringing money in. I have now given birth, stillbirth, I lost my daughter on full term, although I remember my child everyday I have accepted this as Allah decision. I am currently still on maternity leave.
My husband has gone back to his old phase again, he will constantly remind me am a failure, am living off him, and how he only married me thinking I will be successful career woman.

I am not sure what I should do now, islamically I tried to support him as my husband but as far I know I dont even need to work and bring in money I thought that was the man's job. I dont mind working, nor in the last one year I ever stopped him from spending my salary, I always put it in the joint pot.
I dont have the strength left to listen to his taunts anymore, Allah has taken the biggest test of my life by taking my child away from me, and although I graduated with 1st class degree I like to keep my faith strong by believing Allah is just testing me by making my career path hard.

My parents are ill and I cant open up to them about all this nor can I tell anyone else in the family (of either side), can anyone guide me to anything in Islam I can follow or do to make my self surface from all this? It crosses my mind almost everyday now that I shouldnt be with a guy like him who has no respect or love for me, his greed for money and arrogance in himself is something I cant control and I hope Allah forgives him for it but surely I dont deserve this much pain do I?


Any guidance in Islam would be very helpful

Thanks

[AmfitNom]

You need marriage guidance, is your husband at all a practising Muslim? Does he have knowledge of Islam? He does not sound as if he has...he should know that in Islamic law it is his responsibility to provide for his wife and family. I understand that in the modern world usually both partners are forced to work...but even so, he cannot accuse you of being a failure. A man is supposed to be strong, someone dependable who protects the weaker members of his family, not someone who bullies and makes things difficult for them. This gives tremendous advantages to women of course, when I divorced from my ex-wife she had substantial savings because only my income was used to feed and house the family, she also came away with half my home despite not paying a penny towards it, and worst of all she wanted more by using the unfair British laws. I am not bitter, but I do not trust women especially indian/pakistani women who I find are selfish drama queens most of the time.

[primaveraloler]

Assalamu-alaikum,

I need a bit of Islamic guidance regarding my marriage.

I have been married to my husband for over 3 years now, we live alone in our own house, the groo was off my choice but Alhumdulilla parents were involved in our marriage and to date are happily involved in our life.

After our wedding my husband changed his behaviour toward me, he constantly argues with me over nothing, will find small mistakes on everything and create a huge fuss out of it. We both are educated mashallah, he has had more success in securing a job whilst I didnt, my career is very competitive and securing a training contract proved very hard over recession. For two years after marriage I was a housewife, though I could have applied for jobs in London but decided not to as my husband didnt see why I had to travel to London and waste half my salary on traveling expenses. He earned decent salary so I didnt push for the jobs in London, I preferred keeping peace in the house.

I thought I did the right thing but my husband blames me for being a failure in life, not having a job or bringing in my share of the money. On many occasion he has accused me saying I am with him because of this money and asked me to explain household spending to him. His constant nagging over two years forced me to get a sales job (I have now been working for a year), although I was over qualified for the role I lied on my CV and hide all my qualifications to get the job. Soon after I got the job last year my husband got made redundant, even though my salary was low alhumdulilla we got by on it. I supported my husband and encouraged him whilst he was looking for another role and 3 months later he did find another job.

To cut a long story short, I fell pregnant just after my husband got his new job and naturally six months in to the pregnancy I took maternity leave. My husband didnt nag me to keep a job at the time nor did he accuse me of not bringing money in. I have now given birth, stillbirth, I lost my daughter on full term, although I remember my child everyday I have accepted this as Allah decision. I am currently still on maternity leave.
My husband has gone back to his old phase again, he will constantly remind me am a failure, am living off him, and how he only married me thinking I will be successful career woman.

I am not sure what I should do now, islamically I tried to support him as my husband but as far I know I dont even need to work and bring in money I thought that was the man's job. I dont mind working, nor in the last one year I ever stopped him from spending my salary, I always put it in the joint pot.
I dont have the strength left to listen to his taunts anymore, Allah has taken the biggest test of my life by taking my child away from me, and although I graduated with 1st class degree I like to keep my faith strong by believing Allah is just testing me by making my career path hard.

My parents are ill and I cant open up to them about all this nor can I tell anyone else in the family (of either side), can anyone guide me to anything in Islam I can follow or do to make my self surface from all this? It crosses my mind almost everyday now that I shouldnt be with a guy like him who has no respect or love for me, his greed for money and arrogance in himself is something I cant control and I hope Allah forgives him for it but surely I dont deserve this much pain do I?


Any guidance in Islam would be very helpful

Thanks

May Allah bless you sister

If your husband is as you have described (bare in mind that there is always two sides to a story) then no you shoudlnt stay with him, he sounds like a terrible husband and inshAllah you can do a lot better an perhaps he will realise he shouldnt treat people like that.

I advise to at least raise the issue of divorce with him, tell him how your feeling and what issues you have, tell him from a deen point of view that yo have no obligation to work, taht he should not call you a failure and that it hurts your feelings, and if you dont see improvements, leave him before you have children as its a lot tougher to leave after having children.

Make the deen the centre of your life inshAllah, and make islam the judge on what rights you both have, and what success is defined as, if we all agree on islam as the standard then there wont be any arguements

wallahu a'lam

[poRmawayncmop]

Assalamu-alaikum,

I need a bit of Islamic guidance regarding my marriage.

I have been married to my husband for over 3 years now, we live alone in our own house, the groo was off my choice but Alhumdulilla parents were involved in our marriage and to date are happily involved in our life.

After our wedding my husband changed his behaviour toward me, he constantly argues with me over nothing, will find small mistakes on everything and create a huge fuss out of it. We both are educated mashallah, he has had more success in securing a job whilst I didnt, my career is very competitive and securing a training contract proved very hard over recession. For two years after marriage I was a housewife, though I could have applied for jobs in London but decided not to as my husband didnt see why I had to travel to London and waste half my salary on traveling expenses. He earned decent salary so I didnt push for the jobs in London, I preferred keeping peace in the house.

I thought I did the right thing but my husband blames me for being a failure in life, not having a job or bringing in my share of the money. On many occasion he has accused me saying I am with him because of this money and asked me to explain household spending to him. His constant nagging over two years forced me to get a sales job (I have now been working for a year), although I was over qualified for the role I lied on my CV and hide all my qualifications to get the job. Soon after I got the job last year my husband got made redundant, even though my salary was low alhumdulilla we got by on it. I supported my husband and encouraged him whilst he was looking for another role and 3 months later he did find another job.

To cut a long story short, I fell pregnant just after my husband got his new job and naturally six months in to the pregnancy I took maternity leave. My husband didnt nag me to keep a job at the time nor did he accuse me of not bringing money in. I have now given birth, stillbirth, I lost my daughter on full term, although I remember my child everyday I have accepted this as Allah decision. I am currently still on maternity leave.
My husband has gone back to his old phase again, he will constantly remind me am a failure, am living off him, and how he only married me thinking I will be successful career woman.

I am not sure what I should do now, islamically I tried to support him as my husband but as far I know I dont even need to work and bring in money I thought that was the man's job. I dont mind working, nor in the last one year I ever stopped him from spending my salary, I always put it in the joint pot.
I dont have the strength left to listen to his taunts anymore, Allah has taken the biggest test of my life by taking my child away from me, and although I graduated with 1st class degree I like to keep my faith strong by believing Allah is just testing me by making my career path hard.

My parents are ill and I cant open up to them about all this nor can I tell anyone else in the family (of either side), can anyone guide me to anything in Islam I can follow or do to make my self surface from all this? It crosses my mind almost everyday now that I shouldnt be with a guy like him who has no respect or love for me, his greed for money and arrogance in himself is something I cant control and I hope Allah forgives him for it but surely I dont deserve this much pain do I?


Any guidance in Islam would be very helpful

Thanks

Dear Respected Sister in Islam,

May Allah (SWT) ease your pain and give you happiness in this world and the next (Ameen). My Sister in Islam, first and foremost biologically and psychologically you must be going through a hell of a time right now so I request that your turn your attention to Allah (SWT).

Beg, cry and beseech Allah (SWT) and turn to Him (SWT) in earnest and sincerity because nothing can be solved without the help and assistance of Allah (SWT) and this will heal your wounds and lighten your soul as it’s like placing an appointment on a wound.

Secondly, what you are describing is a problem and the steps which you are contemplating is also massive as someone who has a little experience in this matter, I advise you to touch with someone of experience and Islamic knowledge and for you to discuss with them and guide you through the process.

There is a distinct possibility that your husband is under stress and unable to realise the effects of his (neglect, bad behaviour) and actions upon yourself. We all make mistakes and the best ones are those who realise their mistakes, admit them and try to change for the better.

Please understand that I am no way defending OR sticking out for him so don’t take this impression from my post.

In Islam everything should be done with mutual consultation and you have come to the right place to consult people and Allah (SWT) will bless the outcome and the decision from it.

A sensible action on your part would be to either a new thread in sensitive section OR ask for this one to be moved to this section:

http://www.sunniforum.com/forum/foru...7-Sensitive-QA

And request a Muslim (woman) Scholar to discuss the matter and stay in touch because from experience I know that it has taken a lot of courage for you to open up and try to discuss it.

By being in the section you can discuss the matter with a Muslim (woman) exchange emails if you choose to take it a step further and stay in touch.

If you don’t want to do this then I suggest that you contact Shaykh (Mufti) Zubair Dudha (HA) of Islamic Tarbiyah Academy Mon-Fri between 17:00-19:00 on the phone or via email and discuss the issue.

Consultation will lead you to a better decision. This is a forum and its visited by many people of varying backgrounds and experience so I suggest that you ignore the advice of most people as they may or may not have the necessary background to help you.

Another course of action is arbitration and if you don’t feel comfortable about discussing the matter directly with your husband then someone (relatives, family, Imam, friends etc) should do so on your behalf to try to resolve the matter. Its normal for someone senior, knowledgeable and sensible to sit down in the Mosque with couples and discuss the matter to resolve the matter OR end it amicably and gracefully.

I have given you a few options, please feel free to ask any further questions as we are at your Service.

[Discus]

Thank you for your replies, I have now handed back to my husband the responsibility of his money, I have asked him to transfer the bills money to make account only where all the direct debit come out of, thats it.

Before I use to save his left over salary every month for rainy days and deposit for our house, he knew that and had full access to the saving account for him to see. His constant questioning of where his money is gone has started to kill me from inside. I dont know if this was the right decision as previously when he took over our saving he ended up blowing a lot out of the saving but either way I think for my sanity thats the best.

Please excuse me for asking advice from outsiders, I had no1 to turn to and I was going crazy alone

[hitaEtela]

Assalamu-alaikum,

Any guidance in Islam would be very helpful

Thanks

sis,

The money you bring in is your money and it's up to you on how you want to spend your money. The husband's income, on the other hand, belongs to the family. Your husband should know this. And please consult a scholar regarding this and hopefully you can get more info on this.



Allahu'alam.

[dhrishiasv]

Dear sister, assalaamu 'alaykum ww
My heart goes out to you and you will be in my du'a...Yoy have been given good advices by the brothers and personally I second and strongly recommend this from brother colonel's post: (Mufti Zubair sahib is very helpful, very knowledgeable and can be contacted easily)

A sensible action on your part would be to either a new thread in sensitive section OR ask for this one to be moved to this section:

http://www.sunniforum.com/forum/foru...7-Sensitive-QA

And request a Muslim (woman) Scholar to discuss the matter and stay in touch because from experience I know that it has taken a lot of courage for you to open up and try to discuss it.

By being in the section you can discuss the matter with a Muslim (woman) exchange emails if you choose to take it a step further and stay in touch.

If you don’t want to do this then I suggest that you contact Shaykh (Mufti) Zubair Dudha (HA) of Islamic Tarbiyah Academy Mon-Fri between 17:00-19:00 on the phone or via email and discuss the issue.

[poRmawayncmop]

Thank you for your replies, I have now handed back to my husband the responsibility of his money, I have asked him to transfer the bills money to make account only where all the direct debit come out of, thats it.

Before I use to save his left over salary every month for rainy days and deposit for our house, he knew that and had full access to the saving account for him to see. His constant questioning of where his money is gone has started to kill me from inside. I dont know if this was the right decision as previously when he took over our saving he ended up blowing a lot out of the saving but either way I think for my sanity thats the best.

Please excuse me for asking advice from outsiders, I had no1 to turn to and I was going crazy alone

You are not alone and you are part of a family of 1.5+ billion Muslims so don't worry and no need to excuse yourself. Would you be Sorry in discussing this with your brothers & sisters? Thats what we are so don't worry.

You do need to stay in touch with others on a regular basis as posting on a forum has given you some relief but the matter needs to be handled on a firmer footing and in a better manner so please consider Sister UmmiTalib's advice as she appears to be knowledgeable and experienced person.

You need to be in touch with some practising and good Muslim Sisters and Allah (SWT) has brought you to the right place.

[Klavalala]

I think you going back to work and perhaps looking for a better job will be beneficial.

[arindiruppyr]

I doub't if you are someone who behaves in the same fashion as her husband

lol - yes you will be glad to know that I do not treat my wife in such a fashion

Unfortunately i am not the demanding type

[shanice]

May Allah is ease all your difficulties sister and bless you all that is good in this dhuniyah and the akhirah ameen.

Sister have a read of the following thread Insha'Allah loads of inspiring articles on marriage ...
http://www.sunniforum.com/forum/show...-The-Newly-wed.

[abossakon]

May Allah bless you sister

If your husband is as you have described (bare in mind that there is always two sides to a story) then no you shoudlnt stay with him, he sounds like a terrible husband and inshAllah you can do a lot better an perhaps he will realise he shouldnt treat people like that.

I advise to at least raise the issue of divorce with him, tell him how your feeling and what issues you have, tell him from a deen point of view that yo have no obligation to work, taht he should not call you a failure and that it hurts your feelings, and if you dont see improvements, leave him before you have children as its a lot tougher to leave after having children.

Make the deen the centre of your life inshAllah, and make islam the judge on what rights you both have, and what success is defined as, if we all agree on islam as the standard then there wont be any arguements

wallahu a'lam

Brother try to understand situation don't tell directly to divorce....
we have to sort out situation
apply this thing on u and think twice ok

[wizardasa]

Removed

==


To the OP sister ... I think the best thing you did is hand the money back to him. Find a islamic marriage councillor and try to work out your differences. Perhaps get a respected family member involved.

It may be something else that is bothering him and he's just taking it out on you (not that its okay)

But before making any rash decisions, please please perform istihkaara.

[PZXjoe]

There are always good and bad everywhere be it India/pakistan, west or anywhere else. Some have bad experience with asians and some good and so with people of other places. It all comes down to the individual, the person's tarbiat and fear of Allah SWT and so on. Let Allah SWT protect us from the trials and help us against the tough situations we are facing. Ameen

[GooogleGuy]

Sister,

You are of course going through an extremely difficult time and especially because you've just lost your daughter too. May Allah ease your difficulties and sorrows.

I would recommend that you move your thread to the sensitive section so that UmHasan can reply to your question and advise you. Also, as others have advised, do get in touch with a scholar too.

You need to ask yourself whether his this specific behaviour towards you is something that can change or it is very unlikely to change? You are still very early into your marriage (3 years is a short period of time). Is this the ONLY problem in your marriage? Does your husband understand his religious responsibilities towards you and if so, is he willing to accept them? Maybe your husband doesn't know that it is his responsibility to provide for you?

I'm not taking his side at all, but sometimes people act in a certain way due to underlying causes. He may have had a childhood that was a difficult one in financial terms, and may be really insecure about finances? Therefore, he may be obsessed with being overly financially secure. In this situation, I'd recommend he goes for counselling/therapy.

I would recommend you both go for marriage counselling/therapy. It doesn't have to be a muslim counsellor (though that may help). 'Relate' have counselling offices all across the country, so that's a good place to look. If you are able to tell us where you are based we may be able to find you Muslim counsellors.

You are not alone; Allah is with you. Turn to him and beg for his mercy and compassion. I pray that this test you are undergoing makes you and even stronger person and brings you closer to Allah subhaanahu wa ta'laa.

[AmfitNom]

[QUOTE=hayya;778933]Seriously?? I guess men are saints *rolleyes*QUOTE]

Asalamu Alykum

I never said men are saints, I said the hubby needed to gain Islamic knowledge about his role as a husband. My situation with my ex wife was not like your ex husband. I have always provided for my children and I did so happily knowing that this is my duty given to me by Allah swt. I am not willing to talk about other issues with my ex, I do not consider myself to be faultless, however I do think I was taken advantage of, only Allah knows the truth.

[rushiddink]

May Allah help and bless you sister. Hang on in there with sabr and duas Sister , Allah will help you. Allah bless yr parents too.

[primaveraloler]

Brother try to understand situation don't tell directly to divorce....
we have to sort out situation
apply this thing on u and think twice ok

I said IF the situation is as the sister said.

But brothers in this day and age are not giving sisters the rights which Allah SWT have given them so they dont deserve to have family unless they treat them properly.

Whats the difference between us and kuffar?

We shoudl be so sweet to our wives and daughters than the non muslims are queing up to take shahada upon seeing our excellent conduct, instead we regularly feature in the news and the disbelievers shake their heads at our pathetic behaviour. Allahu musta'aan

[AmfitNom]

Yes, but people can change it is possible that her husband could change for the better with the right education and understanding, being young, angry and an idealist does not always serve the greater good. Things are not always ideal, sometimes we have to work at acheiving the ideal though wisdom, maturity and patience. And being too nice to wives can backfire as well.

I said IF the situation is as the sister said.

But brothers in this day and age are not giving sisters the rights which Allah SWT have given them so they dont deserve to have family unless they treat them properly.

Whats the difference between us and kuffar?

We shoudl be so sweet to our wives and daughters than the non muslims are queing up to take shahada upon seeing our excellent conduct, instead we regularly feature in the news and the disbelievers shake their heads at our pathetic behaviour. Allahu musta'aan

[wizardasa]

Bismillah
I have already mentioned twisted father and mother in law and a weak husband. It makes my blood boil.
Devorce is dislike as it breaks family and as such harms Islam and yet the socalled practicing brother are too weak in faith to stand up for greater good. Anyone who usurp others rights are the lowest of low and perhaps have no faith!

This is where this thread ties in with the sensitive/confidence thread .. being sensitive is a great attribute in my opinion but men also need to be able to have the confidence and stand up what is wrong and what is right.

Asalamu Alykum

I never said men are saints, I said the hubby needed to gain Islamic knowledge about his role as a husband.

wa alaikum asalaam brother. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come across as such. I was just trying to show how the opposite gender can also be ruthless when it comes to money. divorces bring out the worst in most people imo .. either the test makes you or breaks you.