[geniusxs81]

I was wondering people especially the elders (and parents themselves) emphasize how important a parent's position is e.g. they should be respected, obeyed, looked after in old age etc...

I've never actually been a masjid and heard a talk on the rights of children, this leads on from another sisters post who commented on being abused as a child. Alot of the time the abusers are normally close relatives or the parents themselves.

Most parents are quite merciful and compassionate for their children and for obvious reasons but there is large minority of parents who have no respect for their children, don't fully fulfill all their obligations as parents yet demand a lot more in return.

e.g. children are mostly clumsy, and will easily spill a full glass of water, but does that deserve a slap (i mean a whack, full swing etc...) across the face? What does that teach a child?

another example is parents who don't pay any attention to a child's education but when they grow up humiliate them in front of others by saying "look his son is a doctor and you're only a taxi driver" etc...

[L8fGLM4d]

3 Rights of Children mentioned by Umar (ra). Explained by Mufti Menk.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAw0PXTVad8

P.s. But the Parent rights outweigh far more than that of the child.

[Kthzltje]

From one point of view, it is all from Allah swt. From another point of view people should be educated to fulfil the rights of their children, parents etc.

One who has been abused in anyway needs to be able to move on after they grow up. They can do this obviously depending on the context of the actual abuse, by forgiving the people involved and looking at it from the point of view of it is written by Allah...Surah Yusuf in the Quran, Yusuf alahis salam forgives his step brothers who threw him down a well and caused him to be sold into slavery as a young lad. If forgiveness is not a option, the things they did were beyond forgiveness then one can hopefully separate ones self away from them, or get them dealt with by the authorities in your country. But bare in mind that abusers were usually abused themselves, or they are unconscious or doing things on auto-pilot. If someone is being abused and they are children still they should seek help from outside reach out to someone and seek help.

[geniusxs81]

Alot of people have a very good upbringing, even the ones who's parents fell short can look back and say atleast they tried their hardest.

But there are children out there who have been neglected and abused by the very parents that should have looked after them.

In Islamic societies there is a strong sense of rights of parents and that parents are always right, but what of these parents who mistreat their children?

e.g. if a father thinks one of "his" children is not really his, he might not have the guts to stand up and say this to his wife or in the community and take out all his anger on the child by mistreating him/her, isn't this a great injustice to the child?

If the child's condition is form Allah, why can't we say the same for the parents treatment by their children. You reap what you sow. How could one ever mistreat their parents, if they were shown immense love when they were growing up, the child can forget the food you fed them for 20 years but not the love you gave them.

[xesvideo]

Honestly, I don't understand how some parents can think they can neglect their duties toward their children but still expect the kids to be perfect. Unfortunately, it's the dictatorship mentality Muslims seem to have on every level from state to family. You do what I say because I'm bigger than you. Might makes right. That's the unfortunate attitude parents have, but that's not the way to raise a kid who loves you and is happy to obey you. You might get lucky and end up with a kid like that, but you won't deserve him.

Being a parent is more than just putting food on the table and clothes on the kid's back and sending him to school. Too many parents keep making the kid feel like he's a burden, like they're doing him a favor and he "owes them"- which he does, but it's so wrong to constantly remind people of your favors. How often have we heard the line "If you live in my house, then you live by my rules". So now the kid thinks that it's not his home and that he's not welcome there, just tolerated. What a horrible environment for a kid to grow up in.

Then there's the constant comparison to other kids. Well, the parents should look at themselves- what have they accomplished in their lives? They feel their kid has to make them proud, but are they people their kid can be proud of? Will the kid feel proud to tell his friends that "these are my parents"?

Fact is, too many parents are selfish and think their kid is just a tool to meet their own ends, and to show off to society if the kid happens to be successful.

[aparneioninny]

great thread

i noticed something else recently, some parents just don't talk with their kids, never have a real nice conversation with them. the only time they talk to them is to point out their faults and say how unhappy and disappointed they are. it's really sad and strange. anyway, i think its a nutural quality in parents to love their children and give them the best upbringing possible. some people maybe just don't know how to express their care and love and end up, unintentionally making their childs life a misery.

[xesvideo]

great thread

i noticed something else recently, some parents just don't talk with their kids, never have a real nice conversation with them. the only time they talk to them is to point out their faults and say how unhappy and disappointed they are. it's really sad and strange. anyway, i think its a nutural quality in parents to love their children and give them the best upbringing possible. some people maybe just don't know how to express their care and love and end up, unintentionally making their childs life a misery.

Too true.

[cepAceryTem]

I was wondering people especially the elders (and parents themselves) emphasize how important a parent's position is e.g. they should be respected, obeyed, looked after in old age etc...

I've never actually been a masjid and heard a talk on the rights of children, this leads on from another sisters post who commented on being abused as a child. Alot of the time the abusers are normally close relatives or the parents themselves.

Most parents are quite merciful and compassionate for their children and for obvious reasons but there is large minority of parents who have no respect for their children, don't fully fulfill all their obligations as parents yet demand a lot more in return.

e.g. children are mostly clumsy, and will easily spill a full glass of water, but does that deserve a slap (i mean a whack, full swing etc...) across the face? What does that teach a child?

another example is parents who don't pay any attention to a child's education but when they grow up humiliate them in front of others by saying "look his son is a doctor and you're only a taxi driver" etc...

Bismihee Ta'aala

Asalamualaikum


I am glad you brought this topic up. I was actually discussing this with some-one else a while ago. I think that instead of focusing so much on the rights of a parent, we should focus on the rights of the child.

I say this because children are not being brought up properly, and this is the parents fault. Where I live, I have seen high schoolers out all night. Before I moved out and went to college, my parents made sure I was in the house by ten o'clock. I use to get very upset, but now that I am older I understand why they did this. My uncle use to say that people only do haram things at night and therefore it was no use to go out past 11.

I use to get angry with him, but its true. My friends only use to hang out with girls or do drugs late at night. There was nothing beneficial done. It seems like parent don't even care where their children are.

Not only that, but parents are not raising their children properly. Both parents usually work, leaving the children to raise themselves. Even if only one parent works, the father usually works so many hours that he doesn't spend any-time with his own children.

How can get children learn manners and the rights of the parents if their own parents don't teach them this? Children learn from their parents and imitate them. If the parents don't do their own children's tarbiyah, then they are to blame to why their children are bad.

People care so much about education, but they don't raise them up islamically or care as much for the deen. They send their children for one hour a week to some aalim so that he could teach them some manners. How is that going to benefit!?

I don't understand parents, and then they come back and complain that my children don't treat me properly. If they raised their children properly from the beginning, then none of this would have happen in the first part.

This is why it is so important that we start talking about the rights of the children more than the rights of the parents, in my opinion.


And Allah (SWT) knows best

[aparneioninny]

Honestly, I don't understand how some parents can think they can neglect their duties toward their children but still expect the kids to be perfect. Unfortunately, it's the dictatorship mentality Muslims seem to have on every level from state to family. You do what I say because I'm bigger than you. Might makes right. That's the unfortunate attitude parents have, but that's not the way to raise a kid who loves you and is happy to obey you. You might get lucky and end up with a kid like that, but you won't deserve him.

Being a parent is more than just putting food on the table and clothes on the kid's back and sending him to school. Too many parents keep making the kid feel like he's a burden, like they're doing him a favor and he "owes them"- which he does, but it's so wrong to constantly remind people of your favors. How often have we heard the line "If you live in my house, then you live by my rules". So now the kid thinks that it's not his home and that he's not welcome there, just tolerated. What a horrible environment for a kid to grow up in.

Then there's the constant comparison to other kids. Well, the parents should look at themselves- what have they accomplished in their lives? They feel their kid has to make them proud, but are they people their kid can be proud of? Will the kid feel proud to tell his friends that "these are my parents"?

Fact is, too many parents are selfish and think their kid is just a tool to meet their own ends, and to show off to society if the kid happens to be successful.

Spot on.

The funny thing is that these type of parents love to complain about how

their kids don't love and trust them,
treat them as strangers,
keep aloof,
prefer their friends etc. etc. etc.

But why blame them? if you don't make them feel loved and appreciated, isn't it natural that they'll seek what they lack from you, from those who are prepared to give it to them???
i know of people who hate being at home coz they dread spending time with their parents. They find it stressful to be under the same roof as their parents. Of course if you have nice and loving parents there'll be no reason for any of that.... but their parents CAN'T see it, and the reason they can't, is becoz they feel that as parents, their kids belong to them and they have the right to treat them exactly as they want.

[new-nickname-zanovo]

This topic was in my mind too much lately. I could say that I had lots of experience , so do my other sibling because of this issue. Unfortunately like OP said, many of topic everywhere are talking about the right of parents without thinking about the right of the kids first and foremost. I mean, I read about how are we expecting and asking our right as parents to be fulfil if we didn't fulfil the right of our kids. Also it said in one article about if parents didn't fulfil the right of their kids, there are big possibility the kids will neglect the right of the parents. Although we said that kids had to bear any bad feeling towards their parents. But, I what I mean is these things can come naturally.

I mean, kids has right not just shelter, clothes and food, but also psychological need, emotional need, education and compassion. This is when the responsibility of parents suddenly become big which we sometimes did not realise. We think enough if we send them to school, to madrasah, buying them this and that.

The effect of parents neglect especially emotional, psychological and educational need for the child is very bad for the future. Also if the parents treat their child unfair, can create tension between sibling. As from my experience and my sibling, I had put lots of pressure on myself upon bringing up my own kids. For me, from my experience with what I am facing now, I told my self that this is responsibility I will be ask for in front of Allah in the day of judgement.

Also I think, we as parents has to low down ourself at some point as well. Sometimes we think we as parents should show our kids that we can never make mistake or we know everything. We should say sorry if we wrong and we should take from kids if they know more than us. Of course overall we should have control as parents. But, we got to remember, that our kids has their right as well. I mean, we want them to listen to us and asking them that they should obey us and etc, but we did not take their opinion , their emotional need and how they feel. I think this is wrong at some point. I believe if we show compassion on our kids, they will become better.

Also what I saw is many parents are asking for pay back. Sometimes my husband did say something to my daughter like, " I pay for your school fees and exam and etc. You should remember that". I mean I don't like things like that. I do mention to my kids that we had spend more on them because we are homeschool, but it's the right of education that we parents had to give them. For me, I won't ask back or threat them with something that is my responsibility. It's their right to have education. And it's my responsibility to give them education in safe environment. Even as we homeschool, financially it's hard, but I believe money is nothing compare to throwing them in the fitnah environment. I mean, my kids not all pious and that, but I am trying my best to protect them and keep them at home, but didn't mean I am denying their education. Although I don't expect my daughter to work, and she understand that, but didn't mean she been denied education. I will support her until her degree if she want and we had discuss about this because it's her right to do some of the things she think she want, but in boundary and limitation of Islam.

Like the others said, there are many things, parents did not realise that the problem come from them. I mean, I am my kids mother, but as a mum to a teenager, I know I had to be their friends as well at some point. Especially they are hmeschool. And I think it can be very enjoyment to have a friend that can give us unconditional love, and who else better than mother and daughter. Spending time together shopping and chatting.

I think younger generation should try to change the perception and change the attitude of being a parents , we need to be obey and listen to. Yes, we need. But, what I am always teach my kids, things that they not allowed is not because of me, but because that is what Allah swt said. So, they should not do haram things because I said so, but because this is what Islam said. They should respect me, not because I am their mother, but because that is what Allah swt said. And by follow and obey Allah swt, they will get success in this duniya and hereafter. So Insya Allah, for younger parents, as you realise many things that your parents did might not be as it should be, you can moved on by being a better parents and give your kids their right that they should have. Not right in term of 'kids right' in duniya law, but islamic law. Insya Allah.

[geniusxs81]

Slight disagreement, but staying on topic i'm not sure I agree with home schooling.

If you come to a kuffar country or born there, you should look at giving your children the ability to face their kuffar neighbours. If children are home schooled how will they know how to deal with certain situations they might come up against when in a kuffar country.

Obviously i don't know the full situation the sister is in, nor the country but I talk of home schooling generally, especially for muslim children in the west. Conventional school not only teaches subject matter but about things like teamwork which are practical skills which are needed when e.g. the child goes on to university.

I believe as long as the parents give the child "unconditional love", the child will never do anything that they know will hurt their parents. I know people who kept off ciggarates/drugs not because if their parents find out they will get beaten black and blue but because if they find out the mother will probably not eat for a week out of sadness and cry herself silly.

[Doncarlito]

I homeschool and Alhamdulillah it has been very beneficial, emotionally. We didn't always homeschool. He went to public school like everyone else until it became very, very painfully obvious that he did not fit the neat little box every boy and girl is supposed to fit into (incidentally, I think there is more to the little box than meets the eye... we think everyone is supposed to fit the box equally but we know that is not the case and some get a bigger box with more room to move than others). I'm not advocating for homeschooling, I'm just saying that it is a choice some parents make and reasons aren't always limited to religious differences.

I don't smoke but the apple-of-my-eye took up smoking and that habit broke my heart. Does this mean I am a deficient mother? Maybe I am... I'm sure many of my faults have affected him in one way or another. However, connections are not that simple. Children are not just products of their parents (assuming heredity plays a role in our mannerisms to some degree), they are also products (or by-products) of their surroundings - their parents are products of their environment too (by 'product' I don't mean creation, I mean mannerisms and things that take shape through decisions we make).

Children have a right to a good upbringing but we have a collective responsibility towards each other - child and adult, man and woman, able bodied and disabled, regardless of skin colour or culture... come on, isn't this what Islam is all about! The greatest sin is shirk... all other sins involve community in one form or another - even prayer - congregational prayer, teaching prayer, following a madhab!

It is threads like this that will insha'Allah take us out of ourselves and let us realize that to gain a lot (heaven) perhaps we need to re-focus on all the little interactions we have here, during our limited time in dunya.

JazakAllah khair for bringing this to our attention... let's talk about all of our responsibilities - starting from the ground up, rather from the top down (so to speak).

[OWV9LSxH]

Tbh, I say that if you have a tv in your house, you send your kids to a school where they are taught kufr and surrounded by negative influences, and you don't follow the sunnah as best as you can, then you're probably a bad parent and are infringing upon the right of a child to have a good upbringing.

[OWV9LSxH]

Slight disagreement, but staying on topic i'm not sure I agree with home schooling.

If you come to a kuffar country or born there, you should look at giving your children the ability to face their kuffar neighbours. If children are home schooled how will they know how to deal with certain situations they might come up against when in a kuffar country.

Obviously i don't know the full situation the sister is in, nor the country but I talk of home schooling generally, especially for muslim children in the west. Conventional school not only teaches subject matter but about things like teamwork which are practical skills which are needed when e.g. the child goes on to university.

I believe as long as the parents give the child "unconditional love", the child will never do anything that they know will hurt their parents. I know people who kept off ciggarates/drugs not because if their parents find out they will get beaten black and blue but because if they find out the mother will probably not eat for a week out of sadness and cry herself silly.

These are common points brought up against homeschooling but none of them are valid. Go and have a look at these schools and universities and see how many of these kids actually know 'teamwork' and you'll see very few. Hence the reason employers are constantly complaining that school/university leavers barely have the skills for the jobs they apply for

On the other hand, numerous studies have shown that homeschooled children achieve better grades, are more likely to do volunteer work (which requires teamwork- and if you're not good at team work, you'll never volunteer for these charities and stuff like these homeschooled kids do), they are more confident than their public/private schooled counterparts, less likely to commit crime, etc. And on a religious level, they won't be subjected to kufr propaganda on a daily basis but when they go out into the real world for employment and so forth, they will already have the intelligence and confidence to deal adequately with anything thrown at them by the kuffar However, their public/private school counterparts may not be so fortunate

Homeschool your kids people

[Doncarlito]

Tbh, I say that if you have a tv in your house, you send your kids to a school where they are taught kufr and surrounded by negative influences, and you don't follow the sunnah as best as you can, then you're probably a bad parent and are infringing upon the right of a child to have a good upbringing.

All examples of little interactions with big consequences. I still think it is too simplistic to say the fault lies with the 'bad' parent since that parent is a part of his/her environment too. Lack of solid community, especially for those of us in the West, is a contributing factor for some of us. Even those of us who live in Muslim countries, we complain of western (non-Islamic) influences breaching our communities... we are weak and weakened. The condition of our families is a symptom as well as a contributing factor.

[Okay, yes, homeschool your children if you can... for all of the reasons listed, it is a much better alternative than most of what is currently available]

And Allah (SWT) knows best.

[Doncarlito]

This is just one part of what there is to consider, on our part. Allah (SWT) knows what we know not, knows everything. 2 brothers from the same household may come out completely different. A person from a totally different background can find their way to the Truth. A person may come from a household devoid of bad influences and full of great examples and yet fall astray... we just never know nor will we ever know what ultimately happens. We can only strive towards perfection within our capabilities, with what we have, and insha'Allah get ever closer to perfection. That said, it is our job to do what we've been ordered to do, and to persevere in the face of hardship and despair, and to ask for forgiveness when we realize our faults, and to pray for Islam to permeate our lives completely and the lives of all humanity.

And Allah (SWT) is All Knowing.

[L8fGLM4d]

On a sidenote.

Just because a parent neglected their duty towards their children does not negate the duty of the child towards their parents. Its something many of us tend to fail, honoring and taking care of our parents. Its common nowadays for the us to get angry with ones parents and disrespecting them, but not thinking about the grave consequences. May Allah forgive us All. ameen.

[Doncarlito]

Ameen. Agreed. Don't wait until you have children of your own to understand (sometimes even then we are neglectful, impatient, impolite and disrespectful).

[geniusxs81]

On a sidenote.

Just because a parent neglected their duty towards their children does not negate the duty of the child towards their parents. Its something many of us tend to fail, honoring and taking care of our parents. Its common nowadays for the us to get angry with ones parents and disrespecting them, but not thinking about the grave consequences. May Allah forgive us All. ameen.

I don't agree to that, how can a parent hand their baby child into an orphanage and 25 years later when they find out he's rich and successful, come back and say he has duties towards these very same parents.

just because you biologically produce a child doesn't make the child forever indebted to you, Allah gives life not humans.

[L8fGLM4d]

I don't agree to that, how can a parent hand their baby child into an orphanage and 25 years later when they find out he's rich and successful, come back and say he has duties towards these very same parents.

just because you biologically produce a child doesn't make the child forever indebted to you, Allah gives life not humans.

Yes it does make a child forever indebted to his/her parents. This is not my personal opinion, this is what Islam dictates.

Which is the worst of Sins in Islam? Shirk, the only sin that Allah will not forgive without repenting. Even if ones parent is committing Shirk one does not have the right to cut relations with them. Only thing is one doesn't have to obey them if they order to go against Allah's Law. Other than that all the rights of the parents are intact.

Asma (radi Allahu anha) narrated: “My mother, who was a pagan, had come to see me in the days of the Messenger of Allah, so I sought the advice of the Prophet (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) about her visit. I told him, ‘My mother has come to see me and she is outside Islam, shall I treat her kindly?’ He said, ‘Yes, treat your mother kindly.’” [Sahih Bukhari]

For explaination of the above hadith: http://dailyhadith.adaptivesolutions...ng-Parents.htm


Did you know that disobeying ones parents is a MAJOR SIN?

Abdullah bin `Amr bin Al-`as (May Allah be pleased with them) reported:
The Prophet (PBUH) said, "(Of the) major sins are: to ascribe partners to Allah, disobey parents, murder someone, and to take a false oath (intentionally)".
[Al-Bukhari].