[Eromaveabeara]

Im new to this forum so please be nice

Basically, I am really confused about a marriage matter and would like some insight/a perspective because I have become really depressed, and cry every day and night!

I once received a marriage proposal, I did istikhara, it didnt work out (realised later it was gd because i wouldnt hve fulfilled my dreams if i was with him), second marriage proposal was from a divorced man who had a child, i did istikhara, again didnt work out even though he was a perfect choice but probaby gd for me as maybe i wasnt ready to be a mother that quick.

Anyway, after that I kept praying and praying to get married. Another guy came into my life, he was a good practicing muslim and gr8 character. I said no first and began praying alot. Few months the same guy proposed again. I was still unsure and afraid to do istikharah because i was afraid he would be taken away from me. Ramadan came and I realised he was the only man I kept praying for. I did istikharah again and felt positive . Recently he propsed with a ring to me and I said yes and accepted the ring. His family knows, mines do not. Does this make us formally engaged???? Living in the west, this makes me formally engaged but i want to know the islamic view

Will somone help me please?

[ulnanVti]

Having A Read Of The Following May Make You Understand A Little More:

The Way to a Happy Married Life - Here - Shah Hakeem Muhammad Akhtar Saheb
Islamic Wedding - Here - Shaykh Muhammad Saleem Dhorat hafizahullah
Isikharaa - Here - Mufti Ebrahim Desai

[erepsysoulperj]

Congratulations sister, may Allah keep shaytan away from your prospective marriage and guide you to make the best choices. first, there is no "formal engagement" in Islam in the sense of a man giving a ring to a woman as a symbol of engagement, the only thing that validates a relationship between a man and woman who are interested in marriage is the nikkah or Islamic marriage contract. With that being said, its excellent if you agree to marry him. But every Muslim woman is also required to have a wali (Guardian) which is her father if he is alive and sane and Muslim, and if not, her next closest male relative who is Muslim and sane. The wali's role is to look out for your best interest, and to inquire certain aspects of your potential spouse's life that you may not have access to yet, to insure that things are done Islamically. The wali must agree to the marriage also.
Its okay that you agreed to marry him, but just be careful not to cross any boundaries that are between any male and female non-relatives in Islam, because technically engagement ring has no legal significance in Islam and doesn't give the two of you any spousal rights to each other until the nikkah is performed. Also you should let your parents know and get your father involved in order for things to continue smoothly and without violating Islamic guidelines. You must have a wali so if your father is eligible for that position please get him involved asap.

[chadnezzrr]

Quit playing scholars.

Read this:
http://spa.qibla.com/issue_view.asp?...=4340&CATE=386

Question:
What is the proper adab for getting engaged in Islam?

Answer:
The engagement (khitba) is seeking a woman�s hand in marriage and this is recommended to do before the marriage contract. The sunna is that the suitor look at the woman that he wants to marry before the contract [and vice versa], but only at her face and hands. As for her hair, or anything else, it is haram for him to look at, though it is permissible for him to look at her repeatedly if he needs to [s. to make his decision].


It is not permissible for the suitor and woman to be alone together (khalwa) because she is still like a stranger to him until the contract of marriage is completed. However, if there is a man with her, such as her father or brother or another woman, it is permissible for him to sit with them and converse. He must still lower his gaze from her, unless there is a need, because looking at a non-mahram woman (a foreign woman who is not one�s wife or member of unmarriageable kin), in our school, is haram, even if without desire. There is, however, a saying in our school that permits looking at a foreign woman without desire, if one is safe from fitna.


It is recommended, when proposing, that the suitor seek her hand in the following way: that he begin with praise and exaltation of Allah, Most High, then that he send peace and blessings on the Prophet, Allah's peace and blessings be upon him, and that he urge them to have taqwa (fear and awe) of Allah. Then he should say, �I have come to seek your [precious or your] daughter�s hand in marriage. If the suitor has authorized another on his behalf, then his agent should say, �My charge has come to you to seek your [precious or your] daughter�s hand in marriage.� Or he can say, �I have come to you on behalf of my charge to seek your [precious or your] daughter�s hand in marriage to him.


Then after the proposal by the suitor or his agent, it is sunna for the girl�s wakil (guardian) or representative to also deliver an answer, similarly. So he should begin with praise and exaltation of Allah, Most High, then send peace and blessings on the Prophet, Allah's peace and blessings be upon him, and urge them to have taqwa (fear and awe) of Allah. Then he should respond, �I have no objection with you�, or any other expression of acceptance.


It is also permissible for the suitor to give a gift to the girl he is proposing to, actually it is recommended in general, because it brings happiness to the one who receives the gift and it fosters affection between them.

Amjad Rasheed

[Translated by Sr. Shazia Ahmad]

[erepsysoulperj]

Stating the obvious about things that are common knowledge for any Muslim is not playing scholars. Try not being arrogant and disrespectful pluto.

[Cajlwdvx]

I'm only saying this out of concern for you, so please don't mind my reply if it may seem weird. Obviously I don't know anything about your situation other than what you have stated.

If, by any chance, you are a convert (and especially if you are beautiful), then please be careful of brothers who approach you for marriage. There have been many cases where men pose as practicing in order to attract you. Please do a proper background check through people you know and trust, and proceed from there.

Usually practicing brothers do NOT approach the women directly, especially not with a ring. They go through the family.

[chadnezzrr]

Stating the obvious about things that are common knowledge for any Muslim is not playing scholars. Try not being arrogant and disrespectful pluto.

You clearly haven't read my post. Nothing more to add.

[chadnezzrr]

Usually practicing brothers do NOT approach the women directly, especially not with a ring. They go through the family.

Very discerning. Very well said.

[Reatclaplen]

i agree with sister bint_azam

[violetgorman]

[COLOR="#000000"]Quit playing scholars.

]

Brother your attitude is very dissapointing & disrespectful to talk to each like that.
I think an apology is in order to sister Hannah who was just trying to help.
I was a member of an australian Islamic forum which alhamdulilah closed down recently.
Many brothers and sisters had this type of attitude & the site rreally became an embarrassment to Islam, when I first joined it wasn't so bad but over the course of about a year there was not a thread without abuse and arguments between everyone.
It's very important we treat each other with respect and sometimes we forget that this is where curious people visit to see how us Muslims behave..

[metrocartockasur]

I'm only saying this out of concern for you, so please don't mind my reply if it may seem weird. Obviously I don't know anything about your situation other than what you have stated.

If, by any chance, you are a convert (and especially if you are beautiful), then please be careful of brothers who approach you for marriage. There have been many cases where men pose as practicing in order to attract you. Please do a proper background check through people you know and trust, and proceed from there.

Usually practicing brothers do NOT approach the women directly, especially not with a ring. They go through the family.

Hmmm, you can do a background check bint_azam and find loads of rubbish on a guy... and still this guy can be the "right one" for you.
Meaning: He could be rotten His entire life and just changed recently. there's really no way you can get to know about a guy until..... You marry him (or so i think)
And that about good guys going through the family won't really apply if sis marie is a convert and her family isn't... or will it still?

[Kalobbis]

Im new to this forum so please be nice

Recently he propsed with a ring to me and I said yes and accepted the ring. His family knows, mines do not.

Whatever you do, please Do Not disobey your parents or break their heart. To Parents their children's Marriage is a big thing, so Kindly do things with their permission and acceptance. Rasoolullah has taught us in several occasion that to disobey our parents is a big Sin.


Abu Bakr (ra) reported that the Messenger of Allah said, "Shall I tell you which is the worst of the major wrong actions?"
"Yes, Messenger of Allah," they replied.
He said, "Associating something else with Allah and disobeying parents."
he had been reclining, but then he said up and said, "And false witness."
Abu Bakr said, "He continued to repeat it until I said, 'Is he never going to stop?'"

[Anakattawl]

@amr, please edit your post, correct the spelling of Hazrat Abu Bakr's name. JazakAllah

[erepsysoulperj]

You clearly haven't read my post. Nothing more to add.

I've read your post in its entirety before commenting, I for one have the ability to show basic courtesy to my brother in Islam, that doesn't change the fact that your first sentence was offensive. Please read brother Melbourne's post (#10).

I agree with sister bint-azam 100%, many converts lack a support system, and non-converts also lack that support system if their parents are not involved. It is very very difficult to navigate the steps toward marriage alone for a sister, & Allah gave us protection and help in this situation. I pray sister Marie that you find all the help and support you need, inshaAllah.

[metrocartockasur]

Im new to this forum so please be nice

Aren't we always?*confuuused*!

Basically, I am really confused about a marriage matter and would like some insight/a perspective because I have become really depressed, and cry every day and night!

I once received a marriage proposal, I did istikhara, it didnt work out (realised later it was gd because i wouldnt hve fulfilled my dreams if i was with him), second marriage proposal was from a divorced man who had a child, i did istikhara, again didnt work out even though he was a perfect choice but probaby gd for me as maybe i wasnt ready to be a mother that quick.

Anyway, after that I kept praying and praying to get married. Another guy came into my life, he was a good practicing muslim and gr8 character. I said no first and began praying alot. is there any reason in particular that you said "no" first?

Few months the same guy proposed again. I was still unsure and afraid to do istikharah because i was afraid he would be taken away from me. Ramadan came and I realised he was the only man I kept praying for. I did istikharah again and felt positive . Recently he propsed with a ring to me and I said yes and accepted the ring. His family knows, mines do not. Does this make us formally engaged???? Living in the west, this makes me formally engaged but i want to know the islamic view why did you keep it a secret from your family? is it because they'll be against your choice? if yes, why?

Will somone help me please? don't stress all will go fine.

[Eromaveabeara]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I appreciate it. I am still *very* confused.

I think my family may disagree ONLY because of cast and class. And I dont think thats a right reason for refusal so I have to make a choice about my life since it will be me living with the guy, not my family. If u get my drift. I am a good daughter, not rebelious but when it comes to marriage, i believe its my decsion. But still worried about the Islamic concept.

If i do not get married here, I will surely have a dismal life as my family plan to marry me elsewhere in which I have no attachment, nor inclined and i therefore believe thats unfair.

The guy, I have known him for about a year and a half, hes a good muslim, taught me alot about Islam. His family is vry respectable and love me too.

I have done istikharah and still feel very positive about this and at the same time VERY afraid to lose him.

On another note. I apprecite your replies but I am also VERY SENSITIVE about this issue so please bear that in mind if you care about me. Please. I only came on this forum for some help. If you cannot help me, please do not comment.

[erepsysoulperj]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I appreciate it. I am still *very* confused.

I think my family may disagree ONLY because of cast and class. And I dont think thats a right reason for refusal so I have to make a choice about my life since it will be me living with the guy, not my family. If u get my drift. I am a good daughter, not rebelious but when it comes to marriage, i believe its my decsion. But still worried about the Islamic concept.

If i do not get married here, I will surely have a dismal life as my family plan to marry me elsewhere in which I have no attachment, nor inclined and i therefore believe thats unfair.

The guy, I have known him for about a year and a half, hes a good muslim, taught me alot about Islam. His family is vry respectable and love me too.

I have done istikharah and still feel very positive about this and at the same time VERY afraid to lose him.

On another note. I apprecite your replies but I am also VERY SENSITIVE about this issue so please bear that in mind if you care about me. Please. I only came on this forum for some help. If you cannot help me, please do not comment.

It is certainly your decision, for example, if your parents force you to marry a man against your desire and you object to it, the marriage is not valid. Getting them involve doesnt mean they they make he whole decision for you, its just important to have your parents guidance and involvement, but you still are the one who decides whether you want to marry him or not. Unfortunately it is very common for parents to disagree because of cast and class, despite the fact that he may be a good Muslim and a good match. You are in my du'as sister, I hope it works out for the best inshallah.