[gogoleanylinkfo]

Key Advice for the Newly Wed
Based on the advices of Shaykh Muhammad Saleem Dhorat
prepared by Brother Aslam Patel


“You have never seen anything better than marriage for those who love.”
(Ibne Mãjah)

Shaykh Muhammad Saleem Dhorat dãmat barakãtuhum advises:

1. Every action is dependant upon intention. When marrying, both partners should therefore make a firm intention to accomplish the following objectives:

* Following the Sunnah of our beloved Nabee Muhammad s.
* Safeguarding oneself from sins.
* Parenting pious children.

2. When marrying, each becomes the other’s lifetime companion. Each should understand and appreciate that Allah S has brought them both together and that their destiny in life has now become one. Whatever the circumstances: happiness or sorrow; health or sickness; wealth or poverty; comfort or hardship; trial or ease; all events are to be confronted together as a team with mutual affection and respect. No matter how wealthy, affluent, materially prosperous and “better-off” another couple may appear, one’s circumstances are to be happily accepted with qanã‘at (contentment upon the Choice of Allah S). The wife should happily accept her husband, his home and income as her lot and should always feel that her husband is her true beloved and best friend and well-wisher in all family decisions. The husband too should accept his wife as his partner-for-life and not cast a glance towards another.

3. Nowadays, the husband reads about, and is well-informed of his rights and demands them. Similarly, the wife reads of her rights and expects them. However, both should concentrate on being aware of each other’s rights and then strive to fulfil them. This is the prescription for a prosperous marriage and everlasting love.

4. During the first year of marriage, the couple must try and spend as much time as possible together. This is especially true for the first two months as it provides an opportunity to understand each other’s temperaments and establishes a firm foundation which contributes towards securing a prosperous marriage.

5. The couple (especially the husband) must make a point to arrive home early after ‘Ishã Salãh and scrupulously avoid the habit of socialising with friends late into the evening. Wherever possible, business, employment and other activities should be concluded beforehand or curtailed in order to set aside time for spending together.

6. Mutual respect between husband and wife should not be lost. They should each be very particular about following the Deen right from the initial stages of married life. This will also ensure a religious environment for the children to be nurtured in, contributing greatly towards their successful upbringing.

7. True and everlasting prosperity is only possible for Muslims when they follow the Sunnah of Rasoolullah s in all affairs. The couple too, should adhere to the teachings of Rasoolullah s in all their matters and abstain from anything which contradicts them. Careful attention should be given to this in their intimate relationship too. Inshã’allah this will be an assured approach to acquiring the blessing of pious offspring.

8. In the initial stages of marriage, the love between the couple is a physical bond, wherein emotional changes take place all the time. Despite great passion and physical love for each other, affection between the couple is not yet well established or on a rational basis. Such rational love comes after many years together. It is therefore extremely important for the husband not to succumb to emotional weaknesses at the onset and let the marriage waver towards an irreligious direction. Both the husband and wife should make a pledge to each other to steadfastly follow the Deen, especially in the performance of Salãh and in avoiding all sins.

9. Marriage is like the weather, forever changing. Sometimes it is cloudy and rainy, life appears gloomy, then the sun appears and rays of happiness break through bringing joy. At times, one experiences rain, wind and sunshine all in one day. Such is life, and like the seasons, we go through different experiences. The secret is to remain devoted and steadfast to one’s Deen and spouse.

10. The husband should be sympathetic to the fact that his wife has left her parents, brothers and sisters to start a new life with him. Her sacrifice and her feelings should be respected and joy should be felt by both partners at the expansion of their families. Just as the wife should treat her husband’s parents as her own, he should also extend affection, courtesy and respect to his new in-laws.

11. As soon as one experiences a problem, no matter how trivial, which remains unresolved for more than three days, consult a person who is both knowledgeable and your sincere well-wisher.

Source: Islamic Da'wah Academy

Taken From Mujahidah an Nafs Blogspot...http://www.mujahidah-an-nafs.blogspot.com/

[chodeasyday]

Key Advice for the Newly Wed
Based on the advices of Shaykh Muhammad Saleem Dhorat
prepared by Brother Aslam Patel


“You have never seen anything better than marriage for those who love.”
(Ibne Mãjah)

Shaykh Muhammad Saleem Dhorat dãmat barakãtuhum advises:

1. Every action is dependant upon intention. When marrying, both partners should therefore make a firm intention to accomplish the following objectives:

* Following the Sunnah of our beloved Nabee Muhammad s.
* Safeguarding oneself from sins.
* Parenting pious children.

2. When marrying, each becomes the other’s lifetime companion. Each should understand and appreciate that Allah S has brought them both together and that their destiny in life has now become one. Whatever the circumstances: happiness or sorrow; health or sickness; wealth or poverty; comfort or hardship; trial or ease; all events are to be confronted together as a team with mutual affection and respect. No matter how wealthy, affluent, materially prosperous and “better-off” another couple may appear, one’s circumstances are to be happily accepted with qanã‘at (contentment upon the Choice of Allah S). The wife should happily accept her husband, his home and income as her lot and should always feel that her husband is her true beloved and best friend and well-wisher in all family decisions. The husband too should accept his wife as his partner-for-life and not cast a glance towards another.

3. Nowadays, the husband reads about, and is well-informed of his rights and demands them. Similarly, the wife reads of her rights and expects them. However, both should concentrate on being aware of each other’s rights and then strive to fulfil them. This is the prescription for a prosperous marriage and everlasting love.

4. During the first year of marriage, the couple must try and spend as much time as possible together. This is especially true for the first two months as it provides an opportunity to understand each other’s temperaments and establishes a firm foundation which contributes towards securing a prosperous marriage.

5. The couple (especially the husband) must make a point to arrive home early after ‘Ishã Salãh and scrupulously avoid the habit of socialising with friends late into the evening. Wherever possible, business, employment and other activities should be concluded beforehand or curtailed in order to set aside time for spending together.

6. Mutual respect between husband and wife should not be lost. They should each be very particular about following the Deen right from the initial stages of married life. This will also ensure a religious environment for the children to be nurtured in, contributing greatly towards their successful upbringing.

7. True and everlasting prosperity is only possible for Muslims when they follow the Sunnah of Rasoolullah s in all affairs. The couple too, should adhere to the teachings of Rasoolullah s in all their matters and abstain from anything which contradicts them. Careful attention should be given to this in their intimate relationship too. Inshã’allah this will be an assured approach to acquiring the blessing of pious offspring.

8. In the initial stages of marriage, the love between the couple is a physical bond, wherein emotional changes take place all the time. Despite great passion and physical love for each other, affection between the couple is not yet well established or on a rational basis. Such rational love comes after many years together. It is therefore extremely important for the husband not to succumb to emotional weaknesses at the onset and let the marriage waver towards an irreligious direction. Both the husband and wife should make a pledge to each other to steadfastly follow the Deen, especially in the performance of Salãh and in avoiding all sins.

9. Marriage is like the weather, forever changing. Sometimes it is cloudy and rainy, life appears gloomy, then the sun appears and rays of happiness break through bringing joy. At times, one experiences rain, wind and sunshine all in one day. Such is life, and like the seasons, we go through different experiences. The secret is to remain devoted and steadfast to one’s Deen and spouse.

10. The husband should be sympathetic to the fact that his wife has left her parents, brothers and sisters to start a new life with him. Her sacrifice and her feelings should be respected and joy should be felt by both partners at the expansion of their families. Just as the wife should treat her husband’s parents as her own, he should also extend affection, courtesy and respect to his new in-laws.

11. As soon as one experiences a problem, no matter how trivial, which remains unresolved for more than three days, consult a person who is both knowledgeable and your sincere well-wisher.

Source: Islamic Da'wah Academy

Taken From Mujahidah an Nafs Blogspot...http://www.mujahidah-an-nafs.blogspot.com/

nice post bro..

[gogoleanylinkfo]

Salaam.

if only People prepared for Marriage in advance there would be lot less problems.

Anyways checkout the mujahidah blog one of the few good ones out there.

[PharmACT]

jazakAllah. There are these books too in urdu called 'tohfa e dulha', and 'tohfa e dulhan'. Sadly i can't get hold of the English versions downhere (PK). Does anyone know of any bookstores where i could get them?

[chodeasyday]

many marriages these days are based on material wealth...

if the guy has money , the wife will put up with a certain amount of greif

if the guy has none, then he tried to put under the thumb and then controlled..

happening all around us..

as society moves towards material weath and gains..

so does the idealogy of many muslim women

not all off course....but many!

[dHXaE2h9]

I heard before that the scholars would not allow Muslims to trade in the market place without knowing the fiqh issues regarding trade. Obviously they must have applied the same principle when getting married as it is a far bigger issue

Jazak Allah for the post.

[gogoleanylinkfo]

Salaam.

I think you Mean the book by Shaykh Ashraf Ali Thanvi " A gift for the husband and the Wife." Its available in most stores across U.k.
http://www.azharacademy.com/scripts/default.asp

[PharmACT]

They are supposed to be seperate books. I don't know who the author is. I have been given the urdu ones stated above which i can't read properly.

[gogoleanylinkfo]

Salaam.

Perhaps you can give the name of the Author and someone maybe able to advise you. Often books in Urdu are abridged in English. Or Published in one volume.

[PharmACT]

i'll find that out by tomorrow. Insha'Allah.

[Eunatis]

Asma Radiallahu anha said to her daughter at the time of her marriage:

"You are going to spend such a life where you shall have to live long and you are going to the bed of such a person who you have no acquaintance. You are going to love one with whom you had no love before.
Make for him such a world, which will be heaven for you, prepare for him such a bed, which will be a pillar for you. Be such a slave for him that he may become your slave. Don't go willingly to him, lest you become to him an object of hatred. Don't remain far from him, lest he may forget you.
When he remains near you, be near him, when he stays distant from you save your nose, ears and eyes.
Let him not get from you except sweet smiles. Let him not hear from you except sweet words. Let him not see in you except beauty"

Ihya Uloom Din

Isn't this beautiful advice!

[PharmACT]

great advice! JazakAllah.

[gogoleanylinkfo]

Few Rules for A Happy Marriage

Ruqaiyyah Waris Maqsood

1. Tell each other you love each other.
2 Never both be angry at the same time.

3 If you have to criticise, do it lovingly.

4 Never bring up old mistakes.

5 Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled.

6 Neglect the whole dunya rather than each other.

7 Pray together at least once a day.

8 Remember that behind every successful spouse is an exhausted partner.

9 Remember it takes two to quarrel.

10 When you have done something wrong, admit it.

11 At least once a day, say something kind or complimentary to your partner.

12 Do not go to bed more than ten minutes after your partner.

13 Listen when your partner is speaking.

14 Remember that your spouse is more important than the television/match/video etc.

15 Notice when your partner is wearing something new, or has a new hairdo.

16 Remember anniversaries.

17 Thank your partner for their gift, or effort on your behalf.

18 Last one up, make the bed.

19 Notice when your spouse looks tired, and do something about it.

20 Never run your partner down, or criticise them in public.

[gogoleanylinkfo]

Salaam.



Aisha Tahira Stacey

Coming from a Western or European background, we often equate love with the stereotypical images that we see in all forms of media. The pouting woman waiting breathlessly at home for husband to appear to “love her,” alternatively the career woman who throws off the shackles of the workforce to return breathlessly home to her waiting husband. Sex sells, and the print and visual media take advantage of this fact. Sex sells, and businesses in all corners of the world will do anything to make an extra dollar. Sex is not love, and the word ‘love’ has, unfortunately, lost much of its true meaning.
We drive to work past the giant billboards selling cars and clothes and laundry detergent. The billboards all have one thing in common a pouting woman who says with smoldering eyes “drive this car and attract women like me”; “wear this brand of clothes and women will want you more then the clothes.” We open the newspaper to see advertisements for exotic destinations; the people appear to be happy and “in love.” The television and movie screens tell us that if you consume this product you will be desirable, your husband or wife will “love you.” Drink brand X and fall in love, wear brand Y and have all fall in love with you.
This is not love, this is an advertising ploy. Marriages fall by the wayside because husbands and wives find that they cannot live up to the expectations that they impose on themselves and each other. The images are impossible to emulate simply because they are not real; they come from the minds of advertising executives, not from the natural order of our lives. Our senses are assaulted almost every waking moment by images of what the media feeds to us as a normal lifestyle. These images are not normal, and the lifestyles that they portray are in no way a reflection of how men and woman should live together in a normal, healthy relationship.

Islam, on the other hand, being the natural way for human beings to live, employs no trickery or gimmicks. Love in Islam brings men and woman together with strong bonds that tie couples together with the rope of Islam. [And hold fast all of you together, to the rope of Allah (i.e., this Qur’an), and be not divided among your selves, and remember Allahs favour on you ] (Aal `Imran 3:103). A marriage based firmly and soundly on the Qur’an and the Sunnah should suffer none of the pangs of insecurity and subterfuge that abound in marriages whose role models are the pouting woman and muscle bound man found in all forms of media. Marriage in Islam is a contract between two people, a man and a woman, by which they agree to enter into a [halal ] relationship for the sake of Allah Most High.

It is a relationship that binds them to each other through all the tests and trials of this life, through hardship and ease. [Verily along with every hardship is relief] (Ash-Sharh 94:6). It should be a relationship whose sole purpose is to worship, praise, and thank Allah Most High. If love-the tender blissful feeling of being in love-is present in this relationship, then it is an extra blessing from Allah.

Marriage in Islam is not based on whether we find our partner desirable or whether he or she contributes a great deal of money to the family. Marriage in Islam is a partnership. Two people, working as one unit. One unit striving for Jannah, longing to secure themselves a place in the shade of Allah. Love in Islam is a [halal ] marriage secure in the knowledge that the wealth and adornments of this world are but illusions and that it is in the Hereafter that our real lives will begin.

[And the life of this world is nothing but play and amusement. But far better is the house in the hereafter for those that are al-muttaqun (the pious). Will you not then understand?] (Al-An`Am 6:32)

If we examine our thoughts on love and marriage and endeavor to renew our intentions to have a marriage for the sake of Allah Most High, we will, (in sha’ Allah), find that we are no longer blinded by the subtle advertising that invades our lives and eats away at our iman. Shaytan (Satan) works in devious and treacherous ways and loves nothing more then to put enmity between a husband and wife. His work is made easier by the fact that we are so easily deceived. Before we realize what is happening, the seeds of destruction have grown into an evil tree.

We begin to think and worry because our marriages are not what we see on the television or read about in the latest release novels. Our minds are invaded with thoughts that are contrary to the natural order of Islam and the universe, and our insecurities lead us to long for unattainable and unnecessary ideals in our lives and marriages. We have grown complacent in our commitment to our marriages and to our Islam, where as Shaytan is ever watchful and eager to guide us to the path that leads to nowhere but eternal Hellfire.

A marriage in Islam is about more than “love”; love in Islam is about more than tender feelings and smoldering sexual desires.
Through our commitment to Islam we should be able to return to an era where love and marriage are synonymous. Where a marriage is a partnership, a bonding of two people that, like ripples on water, moves ever steadily outwards to encompass the ideals of an Islamic community. The bonds of marriage should tie us to each other, to our families and children, to our brothers and sisters in Islam, to the worldwide Ummah. If we put our love for Allah first and our own desires last, then we should find ourselves in a relationship that no longer falls prey to the subterfuge of Shaytan. We should cling tightly to the rope of Islam and recognize the fact that life is not always sunshine and roses but that this (dunya) is a place of testing and tribulations. [Do people think they will be left alone because they say: “We believe,” and will not be tested] (Al-`Ankabut 29:2). We should bear our tests with patience and gratitude, take refuge with Allah, and take comfort in the arms of our spouses.

[And We will most certainly try you with somewhat of fear and hunger and loss of property and lives and fruits; and give good news to the patient, Who, when a misfortune befalls them, say: Surely we are Allah’s and to Him we shall surely return. Those are they on whom are blessings and mercy from their Lord, and those are the followers of the right course.] (Al-Baqarah 2:155-157)

[gogoleanylinkfo]

Salaam.

"Must Have's" of Every Relationship

By Shahina Siddiqui
Image

Faith

The most basic and essential attribute of a Muslim marriage is the common faith that binds the couple. Since Islam is a way of life and not just a religion confined to weekly worship it becomes an integral part of a Muslim's life. The religious frame of reference shared by the couple creates an ease of communication and a sharing of values that is not possible in an interfaith marriage. It is highly recommended that faith play an important role in developing a loving relationship. For example: As the Prophet Muhammad said that when a husband feeds his wife, he gets a reward for this act and Allah increases the bond of love between them. So when we love each other for the sake of Allah (SWT) we actually increase our faith.

Forbearance

Sabr is the most useful tool to have in managing a healthy lifestyle. Being patient and forbearing puts us in a proactive frame of mind it brings us closer to Allah (SWT) through tawakul and reliance. We develop an inner mechanism that empowers us to handle life's difficult moments. As Allah states in surat Al-Asr "Surely by time humans are at loss, except those who believe and do righteous deeds and counsel each other to the truth and counsel each other to patience [sabr]."

Friendship With Your Spouse

This aspect of marriage has three components. The first is to develop a friendship with our spouses. The relationship based on friendship is more able to withstand outside pressures. We honor, trust, respect, accept and care for our friends, in spite of our differences. These are the aspects of friendship we should bring to our marriages. Unfortunately one highly inappropriate aspect that people think of bringing to their marriage is the buddy scenario. Shariah has placed the husband in a leadership role within his family and this requires a certain decorum, which cannot be maintained if the spouses consider each other as pals. This should not be taken to mean that husband is a dictator, but a shepherd who is responsible to and for his flock. This is a position of grave responsibility and places an enormous burden on the husband. Furthermore, the children need to see their parents as friends, but not as pals as this encourages disrespect.

Friendship With In-Laws

The second aspect of friendship is to have friendly relations with in-laws. When couples compete as to whose parents are more important it becomes a constant source of grief. Much valuable time is wasted trying to convince one another of whose parents are most desirable. It is better if we accept that our spouses will not fall in love with our parents overnight just because we want them to. As long as they maintain relationships that are cordial and based on mutual respect, we should not force the issue.

Couple Friends

The third aspect of friendship is our circle of friends. It is ok to have individual friends of the same gender but couples must also make an effort to have family friends so that they can socialize together. If there is friction being caused by a certain friendship it must not be pursued at the expense of the marriage. Prophet Mohammad (pbuh) advised us to choose God-fearing people as friends, since we tend to follow their way. Friends should be a source of joy and not mischief.

Fun

Couples that do not laugh together have to work on sharing some fun times. The Prophet was known to play with his wives. A simple walk in the park can add much spark to the relationship. Taking up a sport together or watching appropriate funny movies is another way of sharing a laugh.

Financial Plan

One of the most common points of contention in marriages is money. Experts tell us that 80% of marital conflicts are about money. It is therefore highly recommended that the couple put serious time and effort in developing a financial management plan that is mutually agreeable and is reviewed every six months or so. Preparing a budget together is also a helpful and wise way to handling household finances. It should be remembered that the wife's money in Islam is hers to do with as she pleases and therefore should not be considered family income unless she chooses to contribute it to the family.

Respect For Family

Parenting can be a stressful experience if the parents are not well informed. This in turn can put extra pressure on the marriage. Sometimes couples are naive about the changes that come in lifestyle. This can cause depression in some cases, and resentment and misunderstanding in others. One golden rule that must always be the guide is "family comes first." Whenever there is evidence that the family is not happy or not our first priority, it is time to assemble at the kitchen table and discuss the situation with open hearts and open minds.

Couples who have elderly parents have an added responsibility to take care of them; this can also be very stressful if the couple is not prepared. A care plan must be worked out with respective siblings and parents as to who will be the primary care giver and what type of support network they will have. In case of mental incompetence a power of attorney must be in place. The making of a will is essential.

Freedom

Marriage in Islam is a partnership and not bondage or slavery. To consider the wife as one's property is alien to the Islamic concept of husband and wife. The team spirit is enhanced and not curtailed when members of the team are free to be themselves. Freedom in the common western sense is to be free to do as one pleases, or even to be selfish. But what is meant by allowing freedom to one's spouse is to be considerate of her needs and to recognize her limitations.

Plan For The Future

Smart couples plan for their future together. They work on their financial and retirement plans. They make wills and discuss these plans with their children. This provides peace of mind and secures the relationship.

Fulfillment

To be all one can be to one's spouse is a very fulfilling and rewarding experience. To be in love means to give one's all. The heart does not put conditions or make stipulations; it gives without expecting anything in return, but such selfless giving is always rewarded ten-fold.

Shahina Siddiqui is a board member of the Islamic Social Services Association (United States and Canada). She is active with social services planning and delivery in the Islamic Center of Manitoba in Winnipeg, Canada.

[gogoleanylinkfo]

Salaam;

“Must Dos” of Every Relationship

By Shahina Siddiqui
Image

Be Forgiving

When the Prophet Mohammad (sws) asked his companions, “Do you wish that Allah should forgive you?” they said, “Of course O Prophet of Allah.” He responded, “Then forgive each other.” One of the main components of a happy marriage is that the spouses are able to forgive one another, and that they do not hold grudges or be judgmental towards each other. It is expected that when we live with someone , situations will arise where we say or do things that hurt our spouses. The challenge is not to dwell on it or lay blame but to move past it. This can only happen if we are not too proud to ask for forgiveness and we are not stingy to forgive. If we hope for Allah to forgive us then we must learn to forgive.

Be Willing to Forget

When we constantly remind our spouses of all the times they have let us down or hurt us, we have not truly forgiven. Things that happened in the past must be left there and not be used as fresh ammunition in new situations. Couples who use this technique usually fall in a rut and become victims of their own pettiness, unable to break free.

Be Flexible

Many couples unnecessarily make themselves miserable because they are unwilling to bend a little. We should not expect our spouses to be extensions of ourselves; they are their own person, with their own personalities and likes and dislikes. We must respect their right to be themselves as long as it does not compromise their deen. Being inflexible and not accommodating for individual differences leads to a very stressful and tense home atmosphere.

Be Faithful

It is commanded by Allah (swt) that we be faithful to our spouses. Adultery is a crime in Islam that is punishable by death. However there are various forms of unfaithful behavior prevalent among some Muslims; the most common form is maintaining friendships with the opposite sex beyond the boundaries set by Islam. The latest trend of Internet relationships is also contrary to Islamic adab and is causing serious problems between couples. Once a sense of betrayal sets in repairing that relationship is difficult. Another form of not being faithful is when couples betray confidences. This is a trust issue and one, when compromised, that eats away at the heart of a marriage.

Be Fair

Usually when we are angry or displeased the tendency is to not play fair. We try to convince ourselves that since we have been wronged it is OK to be unjust in our behavior and our statements. Allah (swt) states in the Quran, do not be unjust under any circumstances, even to your enemy, and here we are talking about our life partners and the parent of our children. To use words such as “never” and “always” when describing the behavior of the partner is unfair and puts the other on defensive.

Be Flirtatious

A sure way to keep romance in a marriage is to flirt with your spouse. Many successful marriages have maintained a youthful demeanor by adopting special names for each other and secret communication styles. It is essential that your spouse always feel special and desired.

Be Frank

Misunderstandings happen when couples are not honest with each other. In a marital relationship, the partners must feel safe to speak their mind with due consideration to the other's feeling, but without compromising their own views. When the communication is not frank it hinders the development of closeness and deep understanding of each other's inner self.

Be a Facilitator

When choosing our life partner, we must as the Prophet (sws) advised look for a pious Muslim. The reason is that, their first and foremost goal is the pleasure of Allah (swt). This commitment to Allah makes them an excellent facilitator for enhancing their partner's spiritual development. In essence the couple facilitates their family's commitment to Allah (swt) and his deen.

Be Flattering

Paying compliments and indulging in honest flattery is a very inexpensive way to win your spouse's heart. Every one likes to be appreciated and noticed. So being miserly about compliments is actually depriving one self of being appreciated in return.

Fallible

It often happens that our expectations sometimes are so high that we lose sight of the fact that we are fallible beings. When couples start to nitpick and demand the impossible they must remind themselves that only Allah (swt) is perfect.

Be Aware of Feelings

Prophet Mohammad (sws) stated that Allah forgives all sins if we repent but not those we have committed against others, i.e. hurt their feelings, unless the person we have hurt forgives first. Couples are sometimes very careless when it comes to their spouse's feelings; they take them for granted and assume that the other knows what they mean. It is surprising that people are more sensitive and courteous to strangers than they are to their loved ones. One must be ever vigilant and careful that they do not hurt the feelings of their spouses and if they do they should apologize as soon as possible. Since one does not know when someone they love will leave this world, is it not better to make amends when we have the time?

Be Fond

So many times couples fail to work on developing fondness for each other by ignoring to see their spouses as people through the eyes of their respective friends. Spending quality time alone doing and sharing activities are ways in which one can develop fondness.

[gogoleanylinkfo]

Salaam.

Shaykh Abdullah Adhami

By getting married you are not just getting a wife, you are getting
your whole world. From now until the rest of your days your wife
will be your partner, your companion, and your best friend.

She will share your moments, your days, and your years. She will
share your joys and sorrows, your successes and failures, your
dreams and your fears. When you are ill, she will take the best care
of you; when you need help, she will do all she can for you;

When you have a secret, she will keep it; when you need advice, she
will give you the best advice. She will always be with you: when you
wake up in the morning the first thing your eyes will see will be
hers; during the day, she will be with you, if for a moment she is
not with you by her physical body, she will be thinking of you,
praying for you with all her heart, mind, and soul; when you go to
sleep at night, the last thing your eyes will see will be her; and
when you are asleep you will still see her in your dreams. In short,
she will be your whole world and you will be her whole world.

The best description that I personally have ever read describing the
closeness of the spouses to each other is the Qur’anic verse which
says: “they are your garments and you are their garments”
(Surah Al Baqarah 2:187). Indeed, spouses are like garments to
each other because they provide one another with the protection,
the comfort, the cover, the support, and the adornment that garments
provide to humans. Just imagine a journey in the winter of Alaska
without garments! Our spouses provide us with the same level of
comfort, protection, cover, and support in the journey of our lives on
this earth as garments would do in the Alaskan journey.

The relationship between the spouses is the most amazing of all
human relations: the amount of love and affection, intimacy and
closeness, mercy and compassion, peace and tranquillity that fills
the hearts of the spouses is simply inexplicable. The only rational
explanation for these most amazing of all human feelings is that: it
is an act of Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala, “And Allah has made for you
Mates (and Companions) of your own nature …” (Surah Al Nahl 16:72)
Only our Almighty Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala in His Infinite Power,
Boundless Mercy, and Great Wisdom can create and ingrain these
amazing and blessed feelings in the hearts of the spouses. In fact
Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala is reminding those who search for His
signs in the universe that these feelings in the hearts of the
spouses are among the signs that should guide humans to His
existence as He says in the Qur’an, “And among His signs is this,
that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may
dwell in tranquillity with them and He has put love and mercy
between your hearts: verily in that are signs for those who
reflect.” (Surah Al Rum 30:21)

But Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala knows that the human heart is not a
static entity, it is sometimes weak and at times dynamic. Feelings
can and do change with time. Love may wither and fade away. The
marital bond might weaken if not properly cared for. Happiness in
marriage cannot be taken for granted; continuous happiness requires
constant giving from both sides. For the tree of marital love to
remain alive and keep growing, the soil has to be sustained,
maintained, watered and nurtured.

Remember that our Prophet Muhammad Salallaahu ‘aliahi wa’sallaam
had found the time to go out to the desert and race with his wife Aisha.
She out ran him but later after she had gained some weight, he out
ran her.

Remember that the Prophet Salallaahu ‘aliahi wa’sallaam took his
wife to watch the young Ethiopians playing and dancing their folk
dances. The show of emotions is necessary to keep the marital bond
away from rusting and disintegrating.

Remember that you will be rewarded by Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala for
any emotions you show to your wife as the Prophet Salallaahu ‘aliahi
wa’sallaam said “one would be rewarded for anything that he does
seeking the pleasure of Allah even the food that he puts in the
mouth of his wife.”

Never underestimate the importance of seemingly little things as
putting food in your wife’s mouth, opening the car’s door for her,
etc. Remember that the Prophet Salallaahu ‘aliahi wa’sallaam used to
extend his knee to his wife to assist her up to ride the camel.

Try to always find some time for both of you to pray together.
Strengthening the bond between you and Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala is
the best guarantee that your own marital bond would always remain
strong. Having peace with Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala will always
result in having more peace at home.

Remember that the Prophet Salallaahu ‘aliahi wa’sallaam gave glad
tidings for those couples who wake up at night to pray together. The
Prophet Salallaahu ‘aliahi wa’sallaam even urged the spouse who
rises up first to wake the other spouse up even by throwing cold
water on his/her face.

Always try your best to be good to your wife by words and by deeds.
Talk to her, smile to her, seek her advice, ask for her opinion,
spend quality time with her and always remember that the Prophet
Salallaahu ‘aliahi wa’sallaam said “the best of you are those who
are best to their wives.”

Finally, it is common that spouses vow to love and honor their
spouses until death do them part. I do believe that this vow is good
or even great, but not enough! It is not enough that you love your
wife. You have to love what she loves as well. Her family, her loved
ones must also become your loved ones. Don’t be like my colleague
who was unhappy about his wife’s parents coming to visit for few
weeks. He candidly said to her “I don’t like your parents.”
Naturally, she angrily looked at him straight in the eye and said “
I don’t like yours either”… Also, it is not enough that you love
her until death do you part. Love should never end and we do believe
there is life after death where those who did righteousness in this
world will be joined by their spouses (Surah Al Zukhruf 43:70) and
offsprings.

The best example in this regard is the Prophet Salallaahu ‘aliahi
wa’sallaam whose love for Khadija, his wife of 25 years extended to
include all those she loved and continued even after her death. It
was many years after her death and he never forgot her and whenever
a goat was slaughtered in his house he would send portions of it to
Khadija’s family and friends and whenever he felt that the visitor
at the door might be Khadija’s sister Hala, he would pray saying “O
Allah let it be Hala.”

[Injurnerona]

Salams very informative stuff InshaAllah may we all try our best to act upon it all ...........

[gogoleanylinkfo]

Salaam.



The Secrets to Happy, Lasting Islamic Marriages
Keep respect, affection, and courtesy flowing back and forth.
By Laila Qadira Yamini and Nadia Hassouneh


Source; Azizah Magazine

She knows by his face when he needs a word of encouragement. He knows that silence suits her best in the morning. They often finish sentences with a "you know what I mean" nod. Through the years they have rubbed off each other's rough spots, grown together and now, seeing them together, they look comfortable.

The Qur'an says: "And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts); Verily in that are signs for those who reflect" (30:21).

When a woman and a man marry, this picture of companionship, love, and tranquility is their goal. Achieving it, though, is not simple or easy, and many of us do not. In the United States, 60% of marriages end in divorce. Even those that last beyond the honeymoon stages, before the challenges of everyday living set in, may become boring, unfulfilling, and driven by factors other than the true desire to remain in one another's company. Muslim couples are not immune to the deadly influences that break up or stagnate marital relationships. Breakdowns in communication, difficulty discussing emotionally charged issues such as finances or child-rearing practices and the challenge of effectively resolving divisive issues are all factors that can sour a potentially gratifying marriage.

Some marital discord may occur simply because the couple came together for the wrong reasons or because they approached marriage with unrealistic expectations. Going into a marriage with eyes wide open is the first action toward the future success of the union.

Mahasin Salaam, happily married for 30 years, emphasizes the need to start out on the right foot. "If a marriage is started out by doing the proper things in the courtship, then that lays the foundation," she says. Mahasin goes on to point out that having common interests and backgrounds is part of what makes a marriage work from the beginning, recalling that, "We had so much in common--the love for art, poetry, the importance of family life (we both come from close-knit families). The first night we met we talked for four to five hours. The communication is still good."

Even though the particulars of a couple's lives may differ, that sense of connection at the outset that Mahasin describes is important to the future of a marriage. Ann El-Moslimany, who has been married for 38 years, remembers that on first getting acquainted with her then-future husband, "I was definitely attracted by my husband's piety, even though we were of different religions and at that time I never thought I would become Muslim. I was also strongly attracted to him physically, and I think that is important, too."
Iman Sabir, who has been married for 30 years, agrees. She observes, too, that in most cases while the externals and details may change, the person's basic nature remains constant, as her experience attests. "Before I married," she says, "even before I became Muslim, I knew I wanted a man who was peaceful in nature and serious-minded. When I met my husband, it was these things in his character that attracted me to him. To this day he's still the same."

[gogoleanylinkfo]

Salaam.

Even the most perfect marital matchups require effort to succeed, and the beginning stage of any long-term relationship involves a period of ironing out differences and learning to live together. Ibrahim Pasha, Imam at Atlanta Masjid of Al Islam, who counsels Muslim couples in need of marital advice, says, "Many couples enter into marriage based upon the glamour of it, rather than the practicalities of it. Problems arise after marriage, when more attention is given to the emotional and sentimental aspects rather than the fundamentals of marriage."

Looking back at her marriage, Ann has realized that the best way to get through the adjustment period is for the partners to remain true to themselves while learning to compromise. Trying to take on stereotypical roles of husband or wife, or trying to mold the marriage partner into such a role, only causes problems in the future as expectations are created and broken. "When we first married," Ann laughs, "it didn't occur to me to expect my husband to help around the house. After we married, I moved into his apartment. I remember saying, 'It's my kitchen now. You stay out!' I have never forgiven myself!"

A strong woman who knows herself and understands the freedom Islam gives her to express her humanity is in a good position to know what she needs from her partner. Mahasin advises, "A woman should try to communicate to her husband how she wants to be treated. If he doesn't get it, she has to keep saying what she wants from the relationship."

Learning the art of compromise usually takes years. Couples may be disappointed when months go by, and then years, and they are still learning to accommodate each other without losing their own identities. Patience is the key. Ann recalls that on many issues, her husband "became more cooperative as the years went by."

The largest parts of compromise are openness to the other's point of view and good communication when differences arise. In resolving these inevitable differences between marital partners, Iman points out, "Before either one makes a move, both must ask themselves, 'Is this pleasing to Allah? How does Allah view this?' This is the Islamic version of counting to 10 to prevent speaking out of anger." A harsh or unloving word may echo in a partner's mind long after it is spoken, causing resentment and damage to the emotional relationship even after the issue at hand is resolved.

Mahasin says, "We've always been able to use the Qur'an as a basis for any disagreements that we may have. We don't necessarily have to go and open it up every time we disagree, but our knowledge of Qur'an just flows as we communicate." It is important to keep communication going both ways. "Women," Mahasin advises, "should not withdraw and hold things in. Allah says, 'Qul!'--'Say!' Too many times we don't say. Somehow you have to talk about difficult issues."

On these lines, Mahasin advises, "Find ways to keep the romance. Marriage has to be nurtured."

It is important to remember that affections and courtesies must flow back and forth between both partners. "You have to have a deep respect for each other," Iman says. "A Muslimah should endeavor to please her Lord and to fulfill the obligations of her deen. [Seeing her] striving to do this, her husband should be pleased with her."

Ann notes, "A happy and successful marriage is based on equality. When one or the other dominates strongly, intimacy is replaced by fear of displeasing." Ann earned her doctorate in biology while married and raising three children. She says, "Expecting that a man will make you happy is unrealistic. We are individuals and as such we must each develop our own relationship with Allah."

A husband and wife, to paraphrase the Qur'an, are garments for each other. With work and persistence, and commitment on the part of both partners, a marriage can be long-lasting and successful, ultimately becoming like a favorite sweater, soft in just the right places, and worn with such love and ease that even the grayed spots are comforting and familiar.