[timmybrown]

Salam-u-alaikum everyone,

Hope all is well.

I've just joined these forums after finding it on a google search.
I am a 22 year old male, born and raised in australia of Iranian descent. I currently work for government in HR and I have been married since Dec 09 (no kids yet)

I have joined the forums in hopes that I can restore my faith in Islam, be a good role model for my younger brothers and sisters and hopefully overcome the obstacles that we face living and being enveloped with in a western society.
I was brought up in an extremely close tight knit family and despite being surrounded by the english language my parents managed to ensure that my mother tongue was my first spoken language.

I have a very limited knowledge of Islam and to be quite honest I have slowly been losing my faith over the past few years. I have never admitted to it until today. It saddens me dearly but I know I must face my shortcomings in order to come out on top of it rather than ignore it. As a child I was always taught about Islam by my mother and at the age of 9 I was sent by myself to South Africa to memorise Quran ( I did not even know how to read let alone memorise back then).

I enjoy movies, music, spending time with friends, fishing, playing video games (world of warcraft ) among many other things.

I wish to get to know all of you over my time here and please keep a look out for some of my posts as I will be asking a lot of questions (sorry!) and maybe some of you guys can help me out.

First and foremost I would like to apologize prior to my post as it may come as offensive and extremellyyy long. - i mean no offence and I need to be honest to myself and to everyone before I can tackle my issues and I will try to make it as easy to read as I can.

_______________________________

I don't know where I should start so i may go off on a tangent lol.

I have been losing my faith in Islam over the past few years, around the age of 13. It was in high school and when 9/11 occurred when I thought to myself why would anyone who calls themselves a Muslim be involved with such destruction of human life. My mothers faith is extremely strong and she prays everyday and she is truly a beautiful person. I wish that I could even be half as good as her. With recent media speculation and the absolute rejection of islam in todays society has truly taken its toll on me, and I know it is all propaganda and just a few bad apples in the bunch blah blah blah but I seriously have trouble even being linked to such people.

I distinctly remember being too embarrassed to tell my classmates I was going to Jumah prayers every Friday - instead telling them I was going fishing with my dad in order to make them jealous. My close friends knew where I was going as they were a lot more understand and appreciative of who I was. My closest friend being a devout catholic and the other one being more of a spiritualist. After school I would hang out at the basketball courts near my house where another 50 or so ethnic boys would hang out - we were all extremely close, like brothers but from different backgrounds and everyone was open about who they were. We would defend each other no matter what, from police, bullies, druggies etc. We never did anything bad we just had a bad rep because we were so many and none of us were Caucasian.

At the age of 9 I was sent to South Africa to memorize Quran. At that age I did not even know how to read Quran let alone memorize it. I was sent by myself and once there I had to care for myself; laundry, food, hygiene etc. I was extremely angry at my dad for making me go and I started blaming this older sheikh who suggested that I should go. This idea sprung to him after he heard a 12 year old brother leading ramadan prayers. I was brainwashed into thinking it would be the best thing ever, that everyone was friendly and I would not miss my parents because I would be having too much fun. How wrong was that? After arriving there I was greeted by many men holding machine guns guarding this darul-uloom. The dorms were absolutely disgusting and the beds were ancient. The whole place seemed deserted (everyone was gone home, it was eid break). I unpacked my belongings in my assigned room and I took a walking tour by myself of the place. That night i hardly slept and just as I was dozing off from sheer exhaustion the Fajr azan started playing. I did not understand the protocol and being the naive young child that I was I thought I would just catch a little bit of sleep and make salaat after waking up.

Just as I rolled over to get comfortable I was stunned to hear a very loud banging on my door, I quickly sat up wondering who it may be and too afraid to answer the door the door I thought they would leave thinking no one is inside. WIthin seconds burst in a large man with a long beard holding a bamboo stick. Seeing me in my bed he started screaming why I was not up yet and proceeded to beat my with the bamboo ordering me to get ready. It is quite difficult to put some pants on and a shirt while you are being beaten guys! I was crying and terrified, running to the mosque with him chasing me. I was just in time to catch a group of older brothers that I am assuming were also late to prayers (which they were). I was sniffling during salaat and my nose was running - having no tissues I was wiping it on my sleeve. Straight after salaat had finished one of the brothers turned around and hit me with the back of his hand, and in a disturbingly silent whisper he told me that he would beat me if I ever interrupted their salat again with my nonsense. I will refrain myself from going into depth about other incidents during my time there but I will say that I was beaten at least everyday for either missing my parents, taking longer than 2 minutes during my phone calls, crying during salaat, having dirty clothes (i couldnt function the washing machines because I could not reach the dials), not waking up for fajr or forgetting my sabak and the worst one was if I looked drowsy to my ustaad he would rub some black ointment under my eyelids that would sizzle and burn everytime i shut my eyes.

I was the youngest boy there, being 9. Everyone else was a lot older than me and previous to my arrival the youngest person there was 13. I was also subjected to all these stories of djinn, and many times walking past one of the ustaads houses at night I would notice his lights were on and I could hear children reciting - when asked someone about it they told me he taught djinn children. One of my roommates was also apparently *possessed* and he would often act like a cat in the middle of the night.

After a couple of months in this hell hole I had managed to convince my grandparents to allow me to come back home (my dad would completely object to that idea and would not allow it). They managed to get him to agree and finally I was coming home! Not so easy though. Word spread like wildfire that I was going home and before you knew it I was being bashed by other students for apparently being a *traitor* or a *******. I knew they were jealous though, they hated it just as much as I did. The ustaad felt as though he had failed in teaching me and took his anger out on me, and one of the other older afghani students offered to take me to the airport (which I gladly agreed to). One of the nicer ustaads heard that this fellow was taking me to the airport and he quickly approached me advising me against it, saying that he will instead take me elsewhere and do things that I did not want to know about. WHAT THE HELL!? So I organized a taxi.

Arriving home I was greeted by my father who would not look at me, and my mother who was too afraid to show affection in front of my father because he blamed her for my coming back. I was enrolled into muslim school straight away where I was subjected to more violence, crazy people and forced education. It was like heaven compared to south africa therefore I thought I enjoyed it. I was allowed to enjoy things again, mums cooking, friends, lunch time etc. I excelled in my studies and I started noticing a really pretty girl in my class - an afghani girl. We passed notes and often flirted (we were very stupid) and everyone soon found out, which was okay because they were not going to tell anyone. I kept in touch with her even after leaving primary school to enter high school, we went to different schools but spoke on msn and I truly loved her. I never saw any harm in speaking to her as we would talk as if I was talking to a male friend, never not once did I have any sinful thoughts about her or anything, i was too young and not exposed to that sort of thing.

High school was public school for me and I was enjoying it until 9/11. I began to derail as a person, skipping classes, fighting people etc. My dad realizing this enrolled me in Hifz class at the local mosque. I did great because my ustaad (love him to death!!!) was honestly the greatest ustaad ever. He knew how to share a joke, be at one with his students and would often play soccer with us and allow us to skip our sabak if we had a tough time remembering it. I truly admired him and everyone else did too. I was a little bit annoyed at not being able to enjoy my friends company after school at the courts and having to wake up every Saturday and Sunday morning for fajr but my ustaad made it easy for us. No more weird acid in my eyes for sleeping, no more beatings and no more terror. I was still naughty outside of classes but during class he had my 100% attention. I memorized 6 juz in under 9 weeks and I was able to continue reciting from memory from any ayat my ustaad read. I felt as though I was doing well and on track again, slowly cleaning up my act and bringing my *gang* back into line, lol. Then came the bad news, my ustaad was leaving. Moving over east. I was relieved, sad, angry and confused all at once. I could no longer see him and I had no more classes to go to. I did not want any other ustaad. Today I realise I did not learn for myself, but I did it for him. That is not the right way to learn anyway.

Shortly after he left my family and I moved to Canada. Dad thought it would be best for us to have a larger Muslim community to be in and avoid the apparent racism that was slowly on the rise in Australia. We stayed in Canada for 2 years, where I was subjected to much more fundamental Muslims - hardcore to the bone types. South African ustaad types. I still stayed in touch with the afghani girl. In Canada i started eating haraam fast food (chicken and beef) smoking and once again fighting a lot. My mum finally approached me and balled her eyes out promising me not to do any such things again - which I did. Stopped it all but it was hard.

We moved back to Australia when I was 16 and I got back in to touch with my friends. Everything was good and I was going to the mosque a lot. One day during khutba on juma (my old ustaad was back for a visit and was guest imam) I heard a yelling coming from outside - turned my head to see that there were 4 big white men on bikes standing outside our gates threatening to shoot us etc; I was deeply disturbed and was furious. Without a second thought I stepped outside and grabbed hold of a metal pipe that was on the ground (there was a shed being built outside) and proceeded to walk to the gate. The men saw me coming and I saw one reach in his pocket, I thought it was a gun but it turned out to be a chain. Fury boiling inside me I lined up the pipe and smacked him really hard in the mouth with it, feeling his teeth bite into his lip and cracking. It was then that I realized I was incredibly outnumbered and they were ready for me. I swung wildly and I caught two more with the pipe. I was yelling something but I don't remember what, and noticed they were retreating. I let them run and I turned around only to realise all the brothers were cowering inside looking out the window and watching the spectacle. Angry at them I was for not backing me up, I left the mosque and caught a bus without making salaat. Getting home I realized what I had done was selfish and stupid, embarrassing. I did not go back to the mosque for a few years. I was too ashamed.

Turns out the girl I liked was getting married by force to a cousin of hers. I was upset but I understood - these things are quite commonplace in such culture, we saw it coming. Worst part however is that she was being married to the younger brother of the guy that offered me a ride to the airport in south Africa. We stopped talking after this news and I have not heard from her since, I hope she is well. I reached the age of 18 and the world of nightclubs and other obscenities was opened to me. I frequented bars, clubs and other such nonsense with my friends. Getting home late in an intoxicated state, too ashamed to allow my mother seeing me like this I often stayed at a friends house. I was not a Muslim at this point. No salaat, haraam activities and absolute self destruction. I was pushing my family away and I was holding on to the things I was told all my life to avoid. I was in and out of jobs, unsure what I wanted to do with my life. I finally landed myself a traineeship and my boss and all coworkers were Muslim. They were all cool; worldly, intelligent and caring. Fridays were half days and we would go the mosque. My first visit in years. I started feeling good again but I had no attachment to Islam it felt. I was only appeasing my coworkers - they were proud of themselves for "helping me" and I did not want to disappoint them. I played along.

My relationship with my father at this point was non existent, he was just a mere shadow to me in my world. I was still mad at him and he was still mad at me. Who would do this to their son? Who would force their family to leave their home for another country and then bring them back? We were nomads. At the age of 20 I met a girl at my coworkers Barbecue. He was celebrating his birthday but it was just an excuse for me to meet his soon to be sister in law. He would often tell me how much he thought I should meet her. We hit it off and I really liked her. She was a good girl. Shy, covered, good family and all those things that would point to a life partner. I spoke to her every other night for a year and I decided I want to be with her. Marry her. This I told my mum and she was upset because she thought my dads reaction would be rejecting. Which it was. The battle between me and my father was a long journey - me trying to convince him to allow me to marry someone of my choosing rather than his. I had stopped drinking and doing all the dirty stuff at this point, I was clean. i was ready for commitment and I felt straight and ready. I was nearing the end of my training and would be a qualified tradesman. He finally came through albeit begrudgingly. We were married in Dec 09 and I was ready to be a good Muslim. A knowledgeable defender of my faith rather than an uneducated poser.

It has been difficult reconnecting and no matter what I tell myself I just can't bring my heart to it. My good devout catholic friend is now a hardcore atheist who can't go a day without questioning me, knowing I don't have the answers. I can see how he believes what he does because he has evidence and I don't. How can I prove the existence of God, the truth in the Quran, justifying the miracles in it and defend Sharia Law? How can I honestly convince him of my religion if I am not even 100% about it myself.

All the above recounts of my life are things I have never really told anyone but have always been a dark cloud over my head. How can I seriously come back from the things that I have done? How can I be a good role model for those around me if I am not even proud of myself?

Why should I believe in a religion that has caused me all this trauma, a religion that does discriminate so obviously even though we pretend it does not? How can I have blind faith when there is supposed evidence that suggests that we are wrong? A religion that can justify punishing ignorance and innocence? Sharia law is draconian yet we believe it? Why do we want to impose ourselves on other cultures? Islam is a religion of peace and understanding yet we are at war? Why does Allah tell us that knowledge and education is good yet when we do get an education we find so much evidence leading to us being incorrect? How are we to know out of the thousands upon thousands of religions and cults that have ever existed that we are correct?

I am sorry these questions may be offensive but I need to get it out.

And this was an extremely long post too, sorry!

ps: I am not blaming Islam for the events in my life but it has played a big part in it.

Thanks guys

[Jerwittdergut]

brother,

I did read your long post completely. I can understand the troubles you went through in the name of Islam. But first of all you should stop thinking about some factors for the time being. Your father,your mother, the madrassa, the kids there who abused you, the people in the mosque who didn't back you up, 9/11, the atheist friend who questions you etc. Keep ALL of them out of the equation for the time being.

Now think what is our relationship with Allah?
Allah is our master and we are his slave.

Why are we send to this world?
To worship Allah and only Allah.

Is that a fair deal?
Well considering the fact that we have to worship him only for the limited time we live in this world and for it we will be rewarded Paradise for eternity, its more than a fair deal, its the best deal we can ever get.

But i am facing lot of problems due to religion?
If the intention of us following Islam is purely to please Allah then its consequences in this world doesn't matter.

Even if I am following Islam perfectly why am i facing more problems in Life?
It is Allah's way of testing us, our endurance and our intentions. Also for every trails and tribulations we face our sins are forgiven because of it.

How do i deal with the problems around me?
Sabr, patience. 'Allahuma'asaabireen' meaning Allah is with the one who is patient.

brother stick around and try to lose your bad company, And do not gain knowledge to answer other people, Gain knowledge only for the Sake of Allah.

P.s. Whatever happens around you, Don't forget your personal relationship will Allah.
Also read what all troubles our beloved Rasoolullah went through to teach Islam in his time.
This video will help http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQ4N3YWMAIk

[sigrekatonov]

Brother

First of all, welcome to the forum.

I have read through your post and pray that you will find people here open to your questions and this will help make your way clearer.

[timmybrown]

Brother

First of all, welcome to the forum.

I have read through your post and pray that you will find people here open to your questions and this will help make your way clearer.

Thank you brother I pray that I do too.

[timmybrown]

brother,

I did read your long post completely. I can understand the troubles you went through in the name of Islam. But first of all you should stop thinking about some factors for the time being. Your father,your mother, the madrassa, the kids there who abused you, the people in the mosque who didn't back you up, 9/11, the atheist friend who questions you etc. Keep ALL of them out of the equation for the time being.

Now think what is our relationship with Allah?
Allah is our master and we are his slave.

Why are we send to this world?
To worship Allah and only Allah.

Is that a fair deal?
Well considering the fact that we have to worship him only for the limited time we live in this world and for it we will be rewarded Paradise for eternity, its more than a fair deal, its the best deal we can ever get.

But i am facing lot of problems due to religion?
If the intention of us following Islam is purely to please Allah then its consequences in this world doesn't matter.

Even if I am following Islam perfectly why am i facing more problems in Life?
It is Allah's way of testing us, our endurance and our intentions. Also for every trails and tribulations we face our sins are forgiven because of it.

How do i deal with the problems around me?
Sabr, patience. 'Allahuma'asaabireen' meaning Allah is with the one who is patient.

brother stick around and try to lose your bad company, And do not gain knowledge to answer other people, Gain knowledge only for the Sake of Allah.

P.s. Whatever happens around you, Don't forget your personal relationship will Allah.
Also read what all troubles our beloved Rasoolullah went through to teach Islam in his time.
This video will help http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQ4N3YWMAIk

I would like to thank you for your response and your patience. I am going to answer the points you have made with my response

Why are we send to this world?
To worship Allah and only Allah.

Why were we put on this earth if Allah's only intention is to test us and be worshiped?


Is that a fair deal?
Well considering the fact that we have to worship him only for the limited time we live in this world and for it we will be rewarded Paradise for eternity, its more than a fair deal, its the best deal we can ever get.

Why are we posed with a deal anyway? We do not have kids with the intention of punishing them if they misbehave - then why must we be in that situation? If your time here is so limited what is the point of it all...why not skip life and go straight to hell or heaven seeing as though Allah is all knowing then he will know which of us will be good and bad.


But i am facing lot of problems due to religion?
If the intention of us following Islam is purely to please Allah then its consequences in this world doesn't matter.

Why are we made so fragile and susceptible to distress when facing difficulty in life? The consequence of following religion and living life perfectly as set out may in many cases be too difficult, dangerous and uncomfortable. We do not put obstacles in the way of our children when we are trying to gain their affection - why must we be faced with obstacles when trying to gain the favour of our creator?

Even if I am following Islam perfectly why am i facing more problems in Life?
It is Allah's way of testing us, our endurance and our intentions. Also for every trails and tribulations we face our sins are forgiven because of it.

Some of us are made weaker than others - naturally. How is this fair? Some are born in harsher conditions than others and some of us are less exposed to Islam as it is. How can we all be judged fairly if not everyone has had the same life. Why are we even being tested to begin with. We are given free will and we are given emotions and rational thoughts. As humans naturally we are instilled with the need for logical reasoning - why put this sort of thought process in us?

A diesel powered car can only run on unleaded fuel for so long before it stops, are we to blame the car for not functioning regardless of the challenge we put in its place?

________

Jazakallah azhar and I do apologise once again for my questions but I can not rest until I feel as though I have a thorough understanding of many of my thoughts

[sbrscnds]

^

Other who have more experience Insha Allah can give better advice, but the Original poster's situation seems to be one that needs not only rationally satisfying answers, but also things that will make the heart incline towards Islam.

With respect to the rational side, it is necessary for all of us to understand the basis for the truth of Islam, and why the other religions cannot possibly be true at all, whether they are atheism, christianity or other religions. The knowledge of this will also answer the questions of 'Why would Allah do this to me?' and other similar queries, as far as the mind is concerned. When this is known, we will also know that the hardcore worshipers of other religions are basically atheists to begin with, since the 'gods' they worship have no possibility of existing at all.

When it comes to the heart, the answer is to be in the company of proper Muslims and benefit from them, since this is the manner in which the very many evil deeds committed by all of us can be cleansed. It is obvious that humans are emotional creatures, and sometimes to a fault of not accepting the logical answers and proofs when their heart does not desire it, so the company of Muslims is paramount in this case.

[katetomson]

bro,I'd like to be of help to you.However there are certain things that I need clarified.Your story about the darul uloom seems just a bit far-fetched and it seems as if somebody told you about their experience at the darul uloom added with some spice which you are portraying as your own experience.If you tell me the name of the darul uloom it will make things much easier,because it seems this is where your troubles began.

was salam

[KRbGA0Bg]

Welcome to the forum

[timmybrown]

bro,I'd like to be of help to you.However there are certain things that I need clarified.Your story about the darul uloom seems just a bit far-fetched and it seems as if somebody told you about their experience at the darul uloom added with some spice which you are portraying as your own experience.If you tell me the name of the darul uloom it will make things much easier,because it seems this is where your troubles began.

was salam

A little bit irritating really - why would I make this up or take the burden of someone elses experience and pose as if it were my own?
Darul uloom zakaria in sth africa - was there in 98

What about that is so unbelievable?

[Jerwittdergut]

brother,

Did you watch the video I posted. Did it help you?

[timmybrown]

Hey brother I did, I also posted a reply to your answers but it isn't showing up for some reason - said something about a moderator having to go over it or something and unfortunately I did not save it anywhere either.

[CAxrrAYN]

salam,
for me video works normally

[timmybrown]

My post was in regards to another post of mine which is not showing up and it included my thoughts on what Azhar said.

[katetomson]

A little bit irritating really - why would I make this up or take the burden of someone elses experience and pose as if it were my own?
Darul uloom zakaria in sth africa - was there in 98

What about that is so unbelievable?

Simply because I don't remember the darul uloom in it's history being guarded by men with machine guns.However,I knew which madressa it was from your description of the hiding you got at Fijr.lol.I won't say the Moulana's name but he was mostly probably the moulana who loves his paan.lol. bro,i am sorry for you as to how the experience affected you and you were very young to be exposed to that environment.What you should understand is that aalims job that he keeps for himself is to wake up the madressa for fijr.the guys that make it through love him despite the hiding they get at his hands.You should understand bro,that that madressah was like a rehab.all the delinquants of society are sent there to get 'fixed up'.drug addicts,rebellous children,violent children,children from broken homes e.t.c.Thus you had students who came there who could not care less and took pride and competed with one another at being rebellious.Also,corporal punishment was not illegal at that time.This created an environment where the students were hell-bent on being rebellous while ustadhs were hell-bent on 'fixing them up' .thus that type of environment was created-this is the type of environment and ustadhs(including that particular ustadh)that produced the likes of Ml'Sulaiman Mulla,Ml.Sulaiman Kindi,Ml.Sulaimn Jada,Qari Saleem Seedat e.t.c.and some of the best huffaz.However,since corporal punishment has been outlawed,that problem has been eradicated.Also,the state of the rooms were not good due to the huge financial demands. the situation is much better and there is a whole new dormitary section.During those years youngsters were fascinated with jinns and stuff.
I suggest you return to South Africa and maybe start off where everything went wrong.
I am not justifying the hiding you got.I'm just contextualising it for you.
Besides the other darul ulooms like azadville and isipingo did not have a policy of hitting.
As to your questions regarding the beliefs e.t.c. I will try to provide links.However,if you use the search function of this site you will find plenty answers.

was salam

[Jerwittdergut]

My post was in regards to another post of mine which is not showing up and it included my thoughts on what Azhar said.

That happens when one post a link before 10 posts. (the link in my post must have come up when you quoted my text). Anyways no issues bro. We are here to help each other.

Post your thoughts here , we can discuss your problems. Most of the times you won't believe, there will be lot of people having same problems.

[Adiamant]

FRIEND CIRCLE is so important. I can't re-iterate enough to the OP to surround himself with positive people who you look UP to rather than DOWN. From there, you have a base to start from. This might sound harsh at the moment but in time you'll see why this is the best move you ever made. Secondly, stop or ease down on listening to music. Music and friend circle go hand in hand.

Invariably whenever a person is in trouble spiritually, emotionally or otherwise the friend circle will give huge clues to the problem. It's not always down to parenting. You can have the best parents in the world but if they don't control the child's friend /social circle then you have an uphill battle.

Especially in the West.

[timmybrown]

That happens when one post a link before 10 posts. (the link in my post must have come up when you quoted my text). Anyways no issues bro. We are here to help each other.

Post your thoughts here , we can discuss your problems. Most of the times you won't believe, there will be lot of people having same problems.

Thank you azhar, I will reply once again tomorrow morning as it is getting a little bit late here. I really appreciate your (and everyone elses) understanding and patience with me. I know my questions may be very provocative and even blasphemous but I need to break it all down before building on it.

The problem with my circle of friends is however despite the one atheist, the rest of them are quite understanding and appreciative of who I am.

[uaodnabnjz]

A little bit irritating really - why would I make this up or take the burden of someone elses experience and pose as if it were my own?
Darul uloom zakaria in sth africa - was there in 98

What about that is so unbelievable?

Assalaamoalaykum-w-w
Brother
First of all welcome to the forum. Allah brought you and we have some excellent guys here I'll tell you. Please be patient and you will really enjoy your stay.
Watch out for the likes of Doc Tamim (Crack Doc), Colonel Hardstone ( Crack Shot) Moulana Taliban ( Crack Faqih) and I am a nut job too... but we enjoy ourselves here.There are some serious cracks here but generally its all good.We rant and rave about everything and we all call it home!
By the way you will be surprised at how much a lot of other SF members relate to your story.... or at least affected one way or another. What is important is that you are intact, a little damaged maybe in the head but InshaAllah good.
You must/will remember your days and how you will relate everything /experiences in your life when InshaAllah you have children and they start growing up. I hope then you will understand HOW MUCH YOUR DEAR DAD LOVED YOU.

Look at my signature at the bottom... This is something I keep thinking 24 hours of my life.

Welcome....

[Dilangfh]

A little bit irritating really - why would I make this up or take the burden of someone elses experience and pose as if it were my own?
Darul uloom zakaria in sth africa - was there in 98

What about that is so unbelievable?

Brother. I'm from south Africa & was also in a Darul Uloom in 98 but in Durban.
I have visited the Zakaria Park Uloom before 98 & have to agree with you about the dorms
However I have NEVER heard of or seen guards with machine guns there. I've also had many friends who had studied there & have never spoke of that place being as you said.

On the other hand we did share a similar lifestyle after Uloom.
I now regard it to be a phase which I'm so glad is over. To think I wasted a portion of my life doing haraam & thinking it was the LIFE.

If you feel you've been losing your faith then I think you've landed in the right place.

[Ltftujkg]

Simply because I don't remember the darul uloom in it's history being guarded by men with machine guns.However,I knew which madressa it was from your description of the hiding you got at Fijr.lol.I won't say the Moulana's name but he was mostly probably the moulana who loves his paan.lol. bro,i am sorry for you as to how the experience affected you and you were very young to be exposed to that environment.What you should understand is that aalims job that he keeps for himself is to wake up the madressa for fijr.the guys that make it through love him despite the hiding they get at his hands.You should understand bro,that that madressah was like a rehab.all the delinquants of society are sent there to get 'fixed up'.drug addicts,rebellous children,violent children,children from broken homes e.t.c.Thus you had students who came there who could not care less and took pride and competed with one another at being rebellious.Also,corporal punishment was not illegal at that time.This created an environment where the students were hell-bent on being rebellous while ustadhs were hell-bent on 'fixing them up' .thus that type of environment was created-this is the type of environment and ustadhs(including that particular ustadh)that produced the likes of Ml'Sulaiman Mulla,Ml.Sulaiman Kindi,Ml.Sulaimn Jada,Qari Saleem Seedat e.t.c.and some of the best huffaz.However,since corporal punishment has been outlawed,that problem has been eradicated.Also,the state of the rooms were not good due to the huge financial demands. the situation is much better and there is a whole new dormitary section.During those years youngsters were fascinated with jinns and stuff.
I suggest you return to South Africa and maybe start off where everything went wrong.
I am not justifying the hiding you got.I'm just contextualising it for you.
Besides the other darul ulooms like azadville and isipingo did not have a policy of hitting.
As to your questions regarding the beliefs e.t.c. I will try to provide links.However,if you use the search function of this site you will find plenty answers.

was salam

The other kids' behavior does not justify to treat the other good kids the same way as well. 9 year old is 9 year old.