[jackie Obrian]

A brother is in a dilemma. He doesn't know how to say no to a sister for marriage who he has no attraction to. He doesn't want to hurt her feelings. What should he do?

[OWDavid]

I always believe it is important to be upfront and honest. He can tell her that he doesn't want to marry her without telling her he has no attraction to her. (Personally, I feel that having no attraction for someone is not a valid reason not to marry the person, as attraction is something that can develop over time along with love. But that is just my own opinion and belief.)

Perhaps he could simply tell her that he doesn't believe they would make a good match, and he would rather not marry her than to have it end badly later on. And then he could give her good blessings in finding a suitable match.

[praboobolbode]

As-salamu alaikum

PouringRain said that having no attraction is not a valid reason not to marry a person. I disagree. I only agree partly depending on the case. There are different levels of attraction. For example, you might be sufficiently attracted to a person but you don't acknowledge it. If there is sufficient attraction, marriage can work. People nowadays don't even know what sufficient attraction is because Hollywood and images we are bombarded with. That has clouded our senses a bit.

But generally speaking, if you are not attracted to a person, it's going to be an uphill battle. If this brother is feeling already like this, ask him how will he feel when is married. Tell him to do himself and HER a favour and just be upfront. If that is not possible, tell him to have somebody else say it to the girl's guardian. For all we know, this sister is not even going to get her feelings hurt, at least not that bad. A marriage you don't want to be in that could potentially end up as a disaster vs. temporarily hurting a girl's feelings?

[erubresen]

A brother is in a dilemma. He doesn't know how to say no to a sister for marriage who he has no attraction to. He doesn't want to hurt her feelings. What should he do?

I agree with sister pouring rain. Attraction stays for some time and then vanishes. If you marry someone based on attraction, i doubt if it lasts long. There was one girl who I intended to marry based on attraction. Later I got married to some other girl and the girl whom I intended to marry first too got married. After her marriage, she became fat and is no longer attractive. I said to myself

I don't see any point in not marrying a girl based on attraction. We should see her character and girl's of good character are far more attractive in a married life rather than the girls of face's attraction

[krek-sikUp]

There was one girl who I intended to marry based on attraction. Later I got married to some other girl and the girl whom I intended to marry first too got married. After her marriage, she became fat and is no longer attractive. I said to myself

err.. brother the above shows that you married for looks or you still care about looks. Now if you say that the one you married got fat and you still said Alhamdulillah, then that would be not marrying for looks.

Allah keep your marriage well. Ameen

[erubresen]

err.. brother the above shows that you married for looks. Now if you say that the one you married got fat and you still said Alhamdulillah, then that would be not marrying for looks.

Allah keep your marriage well. Ameen

I mean the girl whom i intended to marry first, got fat after her marriage and is no longer attractive.

[krek-sikUp]

I mean the girl whom i intended to marry first, got fat after her marriage and is no longer attractive.

that was my point as well. weight has nothing to do with attraction. skinny/fat are incorrect perception for attractiveness/beauty. This was your point of the post (as I can see from the ending of your post), but saying Alhamdulillah to yourself shows as though you care if someone stays slim or becomes overweight after marriage. I was merely highlighting that part.

[23tommy]

that was my point as well. weight has nothing to do with attraction. skinny/fat are incorrect perception for attractiveness/beauty. This was your point of the post (as I can see from the ending of your post), but saying Alhamdulillah to yourself shows as though you care if someone stays slim or becomes overweight after marriage. I was merely highlighting that part.

SubhanAllah kia gehri baat ki hai .... khair to hai?

[erubresen]

that was my point as well. weight has nothing to do with attraction. skinny/fat are incorrect perception for attractiveness/beauty. This was your point of the post (as I can see from the ending of your post), but saying Alhamdulillah to yourself shows as though you care if someone stays slim or becomes overweight after marriage. I was merely highlighting that part.

Hmm yeah I agree. But the reason I said "alhamd: was not because she is over weight. For the fact that I didn't get married to her only because of attraction. (well, I do wish my wife shouldn't get chubby )

[cucceevevaind]

He 'doesn't' want to 'hurt' her feelings.

salaam:

then..go for it!.... and that's the 'only' choice !

[cucceevevaind]

she became fat and is no longer attractive. I said to myself

salaam:

very unislamic statement and upon that u are saying 'Alhmd'.....so sad!

[JohnVK]

salaam

I think rejecting someone because you feel so attraction is a valid reason, having a spouse you are attracted to will stop you looking elsewhere inshaAllah

This is more important for men than for women as i think women are more attracted to personality than physical appearance, wallahu alam

He should just say to the sister that his istikhara was not positive and should avoid telling her he does not find her attractive as this can really hurt someone's confidence

[berdyanskdotsu]

A brother is in a dilemma. He doesn't know how to say no to a sister for marriage who he has no attraction to. He doesn't want to hurt her feelings. What should he do?

Tell the brother that he should keep it short and brief but definitely not mention the part about no attraction so that he can spare her feelings. The sister may have just wanted to see if this marriage could have been a possibility for her, so she has probably prepared herself if the outcome is not the one she wanted. Since the brother does not feel the same way, he must let her know that he does not feel that they are compatible. He could also say that he's not interested in anyone at this time (if that is true) and leave it at that.

w'Allahu Allem

[FYvWldC0]

In this time of fitnah fasad I can understand the importance of being attracted to spouse - however, a person will realize the fault in having such an immature gaze because soon the person will be too used to the hot looks or the looks will start to fade away and then they will be back at square 1 or in this case square 0.

[vforvandetta]

salam alikum.
yes I think istikhara is the best way how to reach some picture about what is going on. May be brother will be surprised after he will frankly realise and accept =what istikhara will show him. That need very open heart and strong belief,even the feeling of attraction whould not change. I agree attraction can be important in a way but should not prevail islamic values stated for us. But I also agree that attraction is possible to develop, after we are able to find it inside person and within working on relationship.I would suggest to take certiain time for the best decision if possible- if it not possible to wait than is better to end the hope of the girl immediately - and not mentioning attraction issue at all.

w salam

[erubresen]

salaam:

very unislamic statement and upon that u are saying 'Alhmd'.....so sad!

Hmm yeah I agree. But the reason I said "alhamd: was not because she is over weight. For the fact that I didn't get married to her only because of attraction. (well, I do wish my wife shouldn't get chubby )

[VrQsgM7c]

If I may be blunt brother, no sister really wants to ask a brother for marriage. Most of them would rather have the brother make the first move if he really likes her and cares for her. That being said, this was probably done as a last resort and if she is a mature woman she will understand that there is a chance that the brother may not share the same feelings. I personally don't know why sisters bother, like I said, if the brother really wants her then he should be man enough to ask for her no matter what.

[AlexanderDrew]

In this time of fitnah fasad I can understand the importance of being attracted to spouse - however, a person will realize the fault in having such an immature gaze because soon the person will be too used to the hot looks or the looks will start to fade away and then they will be back at square 1 or in this case square 0.

thats later part, but if people feel problem at the beginning or cant adjust, it may not work good.

[replicajoy]

Just say "No", better to hurt her feelings now than later on, when you have ten kids.

[Faigokilix]

Just say "No", better to hurt her feelings now than later on, when you have ten kids.

Just ONE will be an accomplishment if there's no attraction!