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05-01-2011, 04:24 AM
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#21 |
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who cares about the stupid name ! no wonder we are not progressing in life as compared to other nations and races because we aren't able to do things correctly even in "useless details" The definition of "progress" and the rethorical hype about it, I shall leave for another occasion insha'Allah. |
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05-01-2011, 05:40 AM
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#22 |
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good one judge me on You sit and talk about poor pity you, everyone forced you into marriage and no matter how hard you try it just won't work. All I see is an unhappy man with anger problems. |
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05-01-2011, 07:01 AM
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#23 |
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cyber.satan learn some respect, no wonder your marriage is a shambles. People on this forum have had the decency to reply, but you only hear what you want to hear and of course you name is relevant, it is a reflection of your mental attitude.
The youth of today want all the pleasures of this world without having to make any effort for it. Relationships take years to manifest so learn some patience and face the consequences of your actions because if you had any courage you would have declined when asked prior to marriage, but like a spoiled child you'd prefer divorcing her because its the easy way out. |
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05-01-2011, 07:22 AM
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#24 |
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you may be able to find someone more attractive but by the sounds of it it is quite unlikely you will find many women who are as nice and understanding and patient as she is....wallahu alam
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05-01-2011, 08:59 AM
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#25 |
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brother, if u could make a list of things that are good about ur wife im sure there would be more aspects that u like rather than hate. Everyones expectation of marriage is from what they see on tv when in reality its not. Try to go one day without thinking about what u dislike about her and focus on what u like, inshAllah things will get better, make dua, my husband always says "the heart is in the hand of Allah", if Allah wants u could wake up tomorrow madly in love.
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05-01-2011, 09:21 AM
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#26 |
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 Live with them in kindness (treating them well). If you dislike (anything in) them, then (be tolerant because) perhaps you dislike something whereas Allaah places abundant good in it. (A spouse's bad habits should not prompt one to behave harshly.) Nisaa: 19 Abu Hurairah Radhiyallahu 'anhu narrates that Rasulullah Sallallahu 'alaihi wa sallam said: A Believer must not hate his believing wife. If he dislikes one of her habits, he would indeed like her other habit. (Muslim) Note: Rasulullah Sallallahu 'alaihi wa sallam gave a brief principle of good living. If people have some faults, then for sure they also have virtue in them. Humans are a combination of faults and virtues; so one should ignore the faults and focus on the virtues. (Turjumanus-Sunnah) |
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05-01-2011, 09:49 AM
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#27 |
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 Assalamu alaikum cyber. Bro I can understand you worries. Its anybody's worst nightmare to be in a bad marriage. But read the Quran verses from the above post and ponder upon it. Do you know the reward for loving a Muslim for the sake of Allah? The Reward is shade on the Day of Judgment when there is no shade but by Allah. Besides the person in perspective is also you wife. Be patient bro, things will work out InshAllah. Allah is most merciful to those who are patient. Make lots and lots of Dua. Dua is the weapon of a believer. You also said you hate divorce, well it is the lawful thing which Allah hates the most. "Verily, with hardship there is relief." (Qur'an 94:6) So be patient and put you trust in Allah, for he is our Sustainer and He is all sufficient for us. Make the following Dua, InshAllah all will be fine.  
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05-01-2011, 01:02 PM
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#28 |
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I was never in the same situation..... mine was much worse..... and I still did everything I could. But my situation? When he broke down the bedroom door, after I locked myself in terrified for my life, the next day I rehung the door and fixed it. When he threw his keys at my back, then threatened my life, I searched for his keys until I found them. When he jumped off a second floor balcony, drunk, and passed out on the grass below, I helped him climb back up the stairs while I was pregnant. When he stumbled in the house drunk, tripped, and bashed his head on the corner of the table, I held the ice to his head, got the bleeding to stop, and calmed him down. No matter how bad the abuse got, I still worked my hardest to try and be the most perfect wife. All these years later, I have forgiven him for everything and hold nothing against him. When I think of him and where he is now, I have great pity for him. |
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05-01-2011, 09:47 PM
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#29 |
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Pained to know sister. May Allah grant Sis Pouring Rain and her children Allah's guidance and protection, Ameen. |
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05-01-2011, 10:27 PM
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#30 |
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She possesses better Muslim characteristics than most Muslims, yet it pains me that she doesn't take the plunge and take the shihadah. May Allah solve the problems of the OP and the Muslimah involved. Aameen. |
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05-01-2011, 10:44 PM
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#31 |
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Asalamwlikum:
Let me start with, Allah knows best. And this current situation in which you have been put in should be not taken as a negative but test of your love of Allah SWT: First and foremost, I would like to point out that regardless if a man is married with an arranged marriage or finding a lady himself, that the married couple regardless will run into situations of hate towards each-other and hardship. No marriage is a marriage without disagreements and at times "unable to stand him / her." I can go into detail about why / what / etc you should do as a muslim brother, however I will tell you the most important factors you need to implement. A woman is like a beautiful flower, this flower needs to be prepared / pampered before it fully blossoms into something we love Treat this muslim lady whom you are now married to in the same way. Remember you are starting from the ground up - Surprise her with a gift now and then (a bouquet of flowers), some chocolates, a love note (don't be shy my brother, this is your wife) - Instead of thinking of the negatives of her, think of the positive aspects of her (let her know this) a simply massage with some positive comments in her ears will make her soften up to you - Take her out shopping / restaurant / get-away, find out who this woman is - Finally, be a strong man. Most women want a man who has a strong character both physical and emotional. Let her know that your strength is to support her as your partner Most muslim men ask the same questions over and over again "why does she not show me love" "I am not attracted to her" and finally the most common "should I divorce her." Without realizing that as a man you have failed in most departments. Do not be quick to blame your wife, when you have not stepped up and earned her trust. Brother as hard as the situation is right now, try to implement what I have told you ASAP. Do it daily for a few weeks and see if both physically and emotionally the relationship improves. I am sure you can both fall in love with a little work from your part, and do so the HALAL way. Aslamwalikum brother and may ALLAH SWT make it easy for you |
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05-03-2011, 05:17 AM
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#32 |
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While you're deliberating your options, don't have any children. It would be a shame for a child to have to grow up in this type of situation.
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05-03-2011, 07:08 AM
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#33 |
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Salam brother,
I don't have much time to go through all the post, so not sure if others might think or say as what I try to say. From what I can see, you are not fake or unhappy. You just a man. Like many other man who do not know how to show their love and affection. So when they try, they think and they feel it's fake. When they try, it can be seem as it's fake if the woman is a kind of woman who are honest and nor fall into fantasy easily. Which seems what you wife is, how lucky you are. Brother, it's marriage live. Even if you think because you not connect, it's syaitaan. There are no things such as connect. Marriage even if we feel sooooo connected, but if we don't make effort, the most connection will fail. Simple as that. Marriage is not about connect or not. Is about putting your desire into halal way. Getting reward by looking after each other and going through test with patient. What I suggest, is you just calm down, take you time and OPEN your heart. If you close it, it will never get connected ever! By the way, I was on arrange marriage. When I was ask by my parents, I nearly forget how he looks like because we never actually meet formally. Just coincidently. After 2 weeks my father in law come to see me, yes not my husband who come to see me, we got engage. I was confuse at the time because I never wanted to get married before especially at the age of 19 and still study. We got marriage after 4 month engage and we fight all the way through for years. But, the fight actually cause trouble. Because we got to know each other so deary and after 17 years, Alhamdulillah it was so weird because we seems to get along too much. Marriage will never work if we don't make it work. My husband was so cold when we first get marriage until I think that only his father that actually want him to get marriage to me, not him himself. It was hard to tell you for a woman, a wife to make a moved because it was so sad in our heart to think that only we, that love our the man and the man never love us back. But, what I learn is that if I don't make a move, than he might not. he's cold not because he didn't love me, just some man do not know how to show the love, the affection. My husband think that if he praise me, or buy flower for me, it's fake. If something not nice he will tell me straight away. It's just how some man are. Only after 10 years of marriage that he be able to say he love me and I could hear it every day now although I might say it to him once a month!! Man!! They are weird creature! So, you are not fake, not unhappy, just you didn't know how to. You know she nice, you know you do not want to divorce her actually. Just you think you didn't connect because you just cold man. it could take years to improve. But, if you want to improve now, you can pretend sometimes or can learn how to pretend. Than the love will build up. We woman do love fake sometimes....!! Just to make us feel better! Why not. You got reward by pleasing you wife and tell them you love them although you think you not. |
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05-17-2011, 10:04 PM
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#34 |
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I was never in the same situation..... mine was much worse..... and I still did everything I could. But my situation? When he broke down the bedroom door, after I locked myself in terrified for my life, the next day I rehung the door and fixed it. When he threw his keys at my back, then threatened my life, I searched for his keys until I found them. When he jumped off a second floor balcony, drunk, and passed out on the grass below, I helped him climb back up the stairs while I was pregnant. When he stumbled in the house drunk, tripped, and bashed his head on the corner of the table, I held the ice to his head, got the bleeding to stop, and calmed him down. No matter how bad the abuse got, I still worked my hardest to try and be the most perfect wife. All these years later, I have forgiven him for everything and hold nothing against him. When I think of him and where he is now, I have great pity for him. Thank you |
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05-18-2011, 01:35 PM
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#35 |
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May peace be upon you. What is coming in your way from taking the Shahadah? Its people like you which make us think that there is still patience and goodness in the world, indeed.  I apologize if it seems as though I am ignoring the question. I am really not ignoring it. It never goes unnoticed by me, nor is there ever a time that I do not ponder an answer.
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05-18-2011, 02:15 PM
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#36 |
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In a comment on my blog you asked me this, and you also pointed out that people ask me and I never seem to answer. It is never my intention to ignore people, but sometimes I just do not know how to answer or how to respond. Update : it says you are online so I am waiting for your reply. Thank you |
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05-18-2011, 02:32 PM
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#37 |
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In a comment on my blog you asked me this, and you also pointed out that people ask me and I never seem to answer. It is never my intention to ignore people, but sometimes I just do not know how to answer or how to respond. You see pehaps sometimes we muslim get emotional when we see someone trying to tread the path upon which we have been given glad tiding for salvation. Allah (SWT) has given some noor (light) in muslims heart, brightness may vary depending upon his undestanding and efforts in following faith, that somehow recognizes the subtle ray of light in another heart beacuse same Allah has created all of us with similar hearts. Thank you for your unperturbed answer and keeping your cool. For some other it may be a triggeing point for flare up and getting disconcerted. I am confident that Allah (SWT) will instill faith in a soft heart searching for truth. |
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05-18-2011, 02:45 PM
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#38 |
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I didnt go through all the posts... just read your first post.. n based on that here are my two cents....
What you are going through is kinda "snowball effect"... Initially u made up your mind that "SHE IS NOT THE ONE".. N everything turned out as the way u assumed... Just remember "Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder" ... From now on.. just start appreciating whatever u liked about her and try to ignore the faults... Insha Allah...hopefully ur situation will take a hair pin bend... Also, remember satan likes "divorce" more than anything else...and "a failed marriage" - A job which satan likes to flaunt... |
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