[kesFockplek]

Question: My question relates to the Husband - Wife relationship and is as follows:

I am married for 30 years. Neither I, nor my wife have had extra marital relationships. Our relationship Alhamdulilah began with and remained in Nikaah. My concern is what I perceive to be an "exaggerated sense of modesty" on the part of my wife. From the onset of our marriage, love and sex were things "that she would submit to" rather than a mutually enjoyable experience. I overlooked this on an ongoing basis in the hope and belief that Allah SWT will reward me in other ways. I have also overlooked and accepted many other aspects of her in the same belief. Alhamdulilah, we have six Masha Allah children from this .

I am now 60. I am rationed sex as she deems fit. A third of the month she would have her menses, a third of the month she would have some "ailment" and the remaining third she would not be in the mood for love. Sex is just that - a means of release with no reciprocal love. Our lives revolve around the upbringing of our children.

I have raised the matter with her parents - they merely brush me aside telling me I am very lucky to have a wife like her. She donned the Niqaab when I expressed my intention to marry a Niqaabi as I was intrigued by them. I have even asked her parents to take her for counselling. I have never uttered Talaaq even when provoked by her mother. She is living in a comfort zone - knowing that I will not divorce her out of fear of dis pleasing Allah SWT and the fact that a second wife carries a stigma in our society. I cannot kiss her without being pushed away. By the way, we live in a comfortable home with en suite facilities and good privacy.

The same goes for sex - she has to show that I am in need and she is merely submitting. We cannot stray from the Missionary position. With age I know that I may weaken and need more of my wife's help. I have thought of seeking assistance but have shied away in the knowledge (my limited knowledge) that a second marriage is the only way out. Maybe the competition would spur her to reflect on her behaviour? My reason for not threading this path to be frank is the Quranic injunction to treat your wives equally.

How do I treat two wives equally when one is the mother of my four children while the other is "unequal"? How do you find a moral and at the same time Loving wife? How do you find Psychological compatibility without straying from the boundaries of Islam? Maybe I am totally wrong in my thinking and this is why I raise these questions in this forum.

Answer

Assalāmu `alaikum Warahmatullāhi Wabrakatuh,

Jazakallah for your email. We respect your request for anonymity on this forum. Should we post this query on site for the benefit of people experiencing similar problems as you, we will change the main characteristics of the query to maintain anonymity.

Brother, you state you are an introvert. You are married for 30 years, and now you are 60. Your have difficulty with your wife’s “exaggerated sense of modesty”. She simply submits rather than “it” being mutual. “It’s” not a one sided thing. You have brought up the issue with your wife and inlaws. The matter is still the same.

You have suggested taking a second wife but also have concerns. Your concerns are valid. Furthermore, should you take another wife, what guarantee you have that you get what you want? The issues you have raised can only be experienced during intimacy. There is no measure to determine how a woman is going to perform. Furthermore, if she does, for how long? Would you want to enter such a gamble? You may be the unique and fortunate one to pick the right “toy” from the “lucky packet”! Then too the apprehension of her not maintaining her active performance is still there. It will be a real nightmare for you if you picked a “wrong” or “cheap” toy in the lucky packet. You will have so much to lose after 30 years of investing in a wife and 4 beautiful children. The pain and frustration you will experience in pursuit of your intimate needs will make your needs insignificant and in fact bitter. You will then realize you were better off as you were with someone merely submitting even for a third of the month. In any event that too was going to completely die off. As one person put it- I came out from the pot and directly into the frying pan. Surely that is not what you need at this age.

Brother, you are not alone in this quagmire. This is a common problem. Apply the rule of اهون البليتين (lesser of the two evils). Non-cooperation of the wife is unfortunate if not bad, but the challenges of a second wife are huge if not greater evil.

The only way to overcome your difficulty is to condition your mind to accept your wife as she is. Allah chose her for you. Make do with her as she is and be content. Focus of the positives in her and overlook the negatives.

It is precisely for this reason Allah Taala said:

عَسَى أَنْ تَكْرَهُوا شَيْئًا وَهُوَ خَيْرٌ لَكُمْ

Maybe you dislike something of her whereas that is better for you. (Qur’an 2:216)

When you experience the pain of rejection or being pushed away from her, it is definitely not in vain. You approached her for you haqq but was denied or she simply submitted. Surely not as you wanted.

What can you do about it? How do you give vent to your anger and frustration. In most instances, if you do, the problem turns out to be bigger and mightier. It is such a private issue that you cannot easily talk to anyone about it.

The pain you experience with the very limited avenues to give vent to your pain is enormously rewarding in the court of Allah. A husband who overlooks this aspect of his wife for the pleasure Allah is rewarded with Shahadah. A mujahid goes in the path of Allah and bears physical and emotional pain for the pleasure of Allah. There is nothing he can do to give vent to his pain, It is for the pleasure of Allah. He actually experiences the halawat and sweetness of Ieman in this pain, This sweetness has a totally different taste. Similarly, if you bear the emotional pain of not fulfilling your base desires for the pleasure of Allah, you too will be considered a mujahid. During that emotional pain, be patient, turn your heart to Allah and experience the sweetness of Ieman. The enjoyment of that feeling surpass the physical enjoyment of intimacy.

While you may be focusing on what she is not, she too may be focusing on what you are! Put yourself in her shoe. It is possible she maybe put off due to your approach and attitude at some time of the other. Women are sensitive and to them physical closeness is not as important and invigorating as emotional closeness that comes with the right approach and conduct. It is also possible she is going through hormonal imbalance due to her age. Shukr she is letting you have her for even 1/3. Generally when men experience physical imbalance, they can’t even give that much. How is it expected of a woman to do in such a situation? A man too must understand and contain himself.

You state you are 60 and with age you will weaken and you may need wife’s assistance. As that time, the tables could turn around. She may be the one that will get frustrated and complain about you. How would you expect her to react? She will respond to your weaknesses as you responded to her weaknesses. It’s just a matter of time. Now it’s your turn to tolerate. Tomorrow it’ll be her turn. If you tolerate her faithfully, it is hoped she will reciprocate.

Make shukr your wife at least submits to you. The fact that she does not deny you all the time is proof enough of her sensitivity to you. She is fully aware you are a man and you have your needs. Your problem is you need to stray from the missionary position of merely releasing and want her to reciprocate.

You imply that your wife is loyal but not loving. Why do you narrow your concept of love to physical love? There are so many other avenues of love expressed by your wife. She bore you six children. She bore all physical burden of pregnancy by herself. She surely did it for you as she could have avoided pregnancy with the various options available to her. She is a means of multiplying your avenues of loves six times more.

If you overlooked your wife ever since for her mere missionary response for the pleasure of Allah, then there is all more reason for you to adopt that attitude now. A woman’s body and reaction is never same after six pregnancies. Her body is exerted to the maximum especially with all the demands and challenges of raising 6 children and a “wanting” husband.

Now is the real test of your intention to overlook her for the pleasure of Allah. It is that time of your life where physical love ought to be transformed to emotional love as Allah Himself says: “مَوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً” (love and mercy).

In conclusion, I wish to point out that in everything of our life, Allah nurtures us. Allah is our Rabb. Rabb means to nurture. Allah wants to make us near and dear to Him. He puts challenges in our lives and when we feel bitter with our closest ones, we realize that is not the love to be trusted.

We turn away from all such temporary forms of love and pleasure and attach ourselves to Allah, the ultimate love.

This is how, we as believers think and see the different challenges of life. When we realize this point and note our gradual closeness to Allah, we accept all pain as the reward of the closeness to Allah is eternal and everlasting. It is unparalleled love, not just physical, not just emotional. It is real. It is only tasted with the heart of strong Iman!

Have mercy for your wife. She too will have mercy for you. Allah’s reward to you will be His mercy.

We commend you for your objective thinking and your courage to raise this issue which will be a source of guidance for many people like you and a solace for many women. You question was the means for this guidance.

And Allah Ta'āla Knows Best,

Muftī Ebrahim Desai

Daruliftaa
35 Candella Rd, Durban, South Africa

www.daruliftaa.net

[aliceingoogs]

Jazakallaahu khayran for posting..insha Allah many will benefit (both men and women) from the wonderful advice given by Mufti Desai

[kesFockplek]

Jazakallaahu khayran for posting..insha Allah many will benefit (both men and women) from the wonderful advice given by Mufti Desai

May Allah (SWT) reward our noble and respected Shaykh (Mufti) Ibraheem Desai Saheb (HA).

Very good, Masha'Allah.

[oneliRafmeene]

Brother, you are not alone in this quagmire. This is a common problem. Apply the rule of اهون البليتين (lesser of the two evils). Non-cooperation of the wife is unfortunate if not bad, but the challenges of a second wife are huge if not greater evil.


www.daruliftaa.net[/B]

Why are ulama so against second marriage?

[Endatrybeeddy]

Why not ask Mufti Saheb directly? From what I know he is not averse to answering questions.

[67Irralphaisa]

Why are ulama so against second marriage?

They dont look same when you look yourself at mirror hadhrat =)

[PHOTOSHOPoem]

Why are ulama so against second marriage?

Must be due to the immense responsibility of treating both wives equally. If this cannot be done properly, second marriage will do more harm than good.

[Quiniacab]

Assalamualaikum,

While there are many grounds of Talaq, it is the most disliked Halal thing from Allah SWT. MashAllah, you have been blessed with 6 children and the wife of your choice. If that is not a sign that she loves you, I don't know what is. Brother, if I may, I would die to be in your position in the sense that I am currently in a situation where I am trying to marry a particular girl that Allah SWT has gifted to inspire me to be the Muslim I am today and I am struggling trying to get her approval for marriage. You already have a wife that you have been married to for 30 years and does obviously love you (otherwise, you would not have been married for that long nor had that many children). Obviously, withholding the physical aspect of the relationship is haram (from what I understand) as that is one of the benefits of marriage that can only take place under the umbrella of marriage, but you gotta also realize that love exists beyond just that.

Honestly, I am sure you love your wife. Make dua for her and shed tears in the dua from your heart for Allah to increase the love between you and her, that Allah unite you, your wife, and your children in Jannat Ul Firdoz, and that you have desires and needs that you need to have fulfilled and that Allah SWT is the only one who can open her heart and that is why you are begging Allah SWT and no other being for this need. Allah SWT will surely answer your dua InshAllah. I mentioned the tears because it shows the state of your heart and mind. It is stated in a hadith:

Prophet Muhammad (S.A.W.) said “Make dua to Allah in a state that you are certain that your dua will be responded to, and know that Allah does not respond to a dua that originates from a negligent, inattentive heart” (Tirmidhi)

I am confident Allah S.W.T. will answer your dua to unite you and your wife even closer and that all your physical and emotional needs will be fulfilled InshAllah. Please make dua for your brother InshAllah... Assalamualaikum.

[juliannamed]

in the beginning he says he has 6 children with her, then later he says he has 4 children, maybe he has dementia and he can't remember if his wife was nice to him or not

[67Irralphaisa]

Hamara pyara Arab shahzada Allah raham karay us pur, us ko hum sab se ziada deen ki fikr aur deen ka kaam tha, aur hum sab se ziada mushkil zindagi thi us ki, phir bhi gaya to 3 bewain chor kar gaya. Is ko kehtay hain poora poora Islam mein dakhil ho gaya. Zindagi bhi Sahaba jesi, maut bhi woh jis ki nabi ne tamanna ki.

Life style of socity wasnt tough that time , like it is now. That time, none had to have medical insurance to stay alive and our countries hasnt got any fund for widow people(woman working is seen as very negatively also!).

Saying things are easy hadhrat, but practical life is different. And marrying more than one was tradition of arab before Islam came. So keeping the tradition as allowed doesnt mean you are into Islam totally if you practise polygany, and you arent in Islam totally if you didnt married twice-thrice.

[Pharmaciest2007]

in the beginning he says he has 6 children with her, then later he says he has 4 children, maybe he has dementia and he can't remember if his wife was nice to him or not

i noticed that too. Even the shaykh made te same mistake...

[Pharmaciest2007]

p.s the thread says wife of 30, and the brother says he has been married for 30 years lol!

[CHEAPCIALISFORYOU]

Life style of socity wasnt tough that time , like it is now. That time, none had to have medical insurance to stay alive and our countries hasnt got any fund for widow people(woman working is seen as very negatively also!).

Saying things are easy hadhrat, but practical life is different. And marrying more than one was tradition of arab before Islam came. So keeping the tradition as allowed doesnt mean you are into Islam totally if you practise polygany, and you arent in Islam totally if you didnt married twice-thrice.

Agreed brother. There are so many other sunnahs of the prophet which to these people are not worth it but its this "particular" sunnah of marrying more than one wife which is very dear. Sad.

Its easy to look at things superficially but very hard if you think in a level of really implementing it.

JazakAllah khair for the original post. It was very beneficial.

[bp9QxekG]

i noticed that too. Even the shaykh made te same mistake...

Maybe its because some details were changed to keep the questioner anonymous. Allahu a'lam

[Endatrybeeddy]

Ive already asked him face to face.

If you go browse over askimam, then you will see many different problems. Mufti saheb has answered 1000s of questions and still does everyday. I am sure there is some hikmat behind his answer.

[Endatrybeeddy]

Maybe its because some details were changed to keep the questioner anonymous. Allahu a'lam

The question was originally posted in E.E.P (Education Empowerment Programme) mail group run by askimam/daruliftaa. there was this disclaimer:

Disclaimer : The questions we send out on our mailing data are queries received from Questioners. We either take permission from the sender to send the question out as-is, or we change the important characteristics of the question to maintain confidentiality.

[E4qC1qQ5]

....

Bismillahi
Muslims condition is so worst that they don't even mention the name of that shahzada (rahimahullah) with boldness and pride even on a platform with deeni ulema and shuyook. Jab musalmanonka ye battareen haalat hai, it is obvious with other things. I think the questioner was in a firm belief that a second wife could solve a problem while the second wife too is a human who will come with her shortcomings and she is not a hoor of jannah. So may be the Mufti (hafizahullah) wants to bring him out of his assumptions and show him the reality of what it is and so asking him to have sabr with the wife he had. Allahu alam what other hikmat he has. I did see in the same askimam website about giving the option of second marriage when advising and so it all depends on the mindset of the questioner they consider and answer. When it important to stress on sabr, they stress that and if it is important to stress on other things, they stress on that. Also not this brave shahzaada, even the slaves of dollars of his mother land enter polygamy and that doesn't just excel them and it all depends on the mindset and commitment to deen for people differ. Allahu alam.
Wassalam

[Xbcofega]

Assalaamoalaykum-w-w
I find Mufti Saabs answer very negative and unproductive in the long run. It is apologetic and cosmetic.There are more women than men in society and there will be more. Where do the other ladies go? Then there are the widows and orphans. I would have thought he would have guided South African men (coz this is what it is about mostly) ... easy money , big cars, big condors etc. ... how to resolve this issue (which affects 99% of men) by balancing the issue and giving guidance on how to take on a second wife if one can afford one financially, to look after her and her children too. The problem with Hindus (thats us) is that our standards which we have set in homes businesses marriages are totally unislamic .....

MEN BEING MEN IF DENIED THE BASICS OF PHYSICAL RELEASE WILL LOOK FOR IT SOMEWHERE ELSE. If big Sheikhs have not been immune d to this what about the awwam!!

[Endatrybeeddy]

Wouldn't you think after answering 1000s of questions, Mufti saheb would know all that is mentioned? This is just one correspondence we're seeing. It could be the fellow emailed before as well, and Mufti saheb knows his situation better than us. I doubt the Ulama just write whatever is in their heads when answering questions.

Yes, when I read the question at first, I too wonder why not get a second wife. But Mufti saheb has more hikmat than me and knows things that I do not, so I'd rather trust his judgement.

[Endatrybeeddy]

p.s the thread says wife of 30, and the brother says he has been married for 30 years lol!

Wife of 30 years I reckon means she's been the questioner's wife for 30 years, not that she is 30 years old.