[FLOMOUSLY]

Assalam alaikum brothers & sisters.
I have a problem I need help with that will take some explaining..
I am married, I come from a very strict soviet background & was brought up with respect as number one, my temper was controlled and was not allowed to swear, yell or talk back.
My wife on the other hand is from a turkish background where respect is not so big, only around others, my sister in law swears at her mum, yells, screams & gets whatever she wants through tantrums, she is 26 and unmarried by the way

Now my daughter is 6, she hasn't got much respect for me & wife, rarely listens to us & has to be yelled at to do something.. Whenever I bring the subject up about respect etc with my wife it turns into an argument, she never stands by my decisions and questions me when my daughter cries, my daughter sees this & uses it to her advantage so to stop arguments I let my wife control her...

I have always disliked very much my wives bad temper & always told her that it's because you where not disciplined, i now find myself seeing the same attitude in my daughter & I don't like it, it makes me keep distance from her & put more attention to my nearly 2 year old son which is so unfair, I don't do it on purpose but they're are times when she looks at me & my son with jealousy and it makes me feel so so bad!
I can see myself drifting apart from her because of her attitude & I don't want this as she is my little girl & want a close relationship with her for ever..
My wife is very very very very controlling, she wants to make every decision in our family & when things don't go her way we have really big fights in front of the children & I try everything to keep this from happening..
The only argument I ever win with her is when it's based on religious facts...

What do I do?

[economex]

never try to change a woman brother!. don't you know men can NEVER win an argument with a woman!!

have patience and make dua.

[WeissVine]

Beat her with a bamboo stick

Preferably over the head

[gabbaman]

If someone is to give advice, please give sensible advice.

And for the record, the ulama say if you are going to hit someone it must not go above shoulders.

@ br Melbourne- you say your wife listen's to religious facts. Well there are many many books on how both husbands and wives rights, as well as rights of children and rights of parents. I'm not sure if she would be willing to read, but if yes, maybe some members could provide literature. If no, you can always read for yourself as to how to be with your children.

I cannot give more advise than that unfortunately as I am a) a wife and b) childless.

May Allah make things easy for you, Ameen.

[ZIZITOPER]

One advice: Be patient, kind, soft, and make lots of du'aa. Slowly, start fixing a time daily in your house to do ta'leem (reading from the book) from Fadha'il e A'maal preferably (Muntakhab Ahadith and Riyadhus Saliheen is good to). Take turns daily. One day your wife reads, one day you read. This will also help your daughters reading skills. When a religeous environment is created in the house, love and barakah will increase .

Here is some very helpful advice on marriage and up bringing children by shaykh Muhammad Saleem Dhorat hafizahullah:
http://shaykh.wordpress.com/category/marriage/
http://shaykh.wordpress.com/category...ging-children/

[fedelwet]

Assalam alaikum brothers & sisters.
I have a problem I need help with that will take some explaining..
I am married, I come from a very strict soviet background & was brought up with respect as number one, my temper was controlled and was not allowed to swear, yell or talk back.
My wife on the other hand is from a turkish background where respect is not so big, only around others, my sister in law swears at her mum, yells, screams & gets whatever she wants through tantrums, she is 26 and unmarried by the way

Now my daughter is 6, she hasn't got much respect for me & wife, rarely listens to us & has to be yelled at to do something.. Whenever I bring the subject up about respect etc with my wife it turns into an argument, she never stands by my decisions and questions me when my daughter cries, my daughter sees this & uses it to her advantage so to stop arguments I let my wife control her...

I have always disliked very much my wives bad temper & always told her that it's because you where not disciplined, i now find myself seeing the same attitude in my daughter & I don't like it, it makes me keep distance from her & put more attention to my nearly 2 year old son which is so unfair, I don't do it on purpose but they're are times when she looks at me & my son with jealousy and it makes me feel so so bad!
I can see myself drifting apart from her because of her attitude & I don't want this as she is my little girl & want a close relationship with her for ever..
My wife is very very very very controlling, she wants to make every decision in our family & when things don't go her way we have really big fights in front of the children & I try everything to keep this from happening..
The only argument I ever win with her is when it's based on religious facts...

What do I do?

You are not alone, bro and to be honest i am in a similiar situation. The problem got so bad with her bad temper that i did salaatul istikharah, should i go for jihad or stay at home with her and the kids. That very night i got my answer alhumdulilah, praise belongs to Him and He is One with no partner. I had such a vivid dream that night that I didnt know whether I had dreamed it or whether it was real. I dont wish to discuss the dream here but the meaning was to look after the children whilst my wife rectified her character otherwise the children would grow up lost...thats my jihad bro melbourne...

Believe you me I WAS READY TO GO, and Allah is ever a watcher and seear of our actions.

[Blaxastij]

In terms of practicality, try not to argue especially in front of the children. A woman's tests are many things but a Man's main test is a woman and sadly, many men have become grey haired and cornered into mental prisons because of failing the test with women.

So the best thing is to follow Rasulullah 's sunnah on how to treat the family.

I would recommend the books, The Ideal Mother and The Ideal Father if you're a reader.

Maulana Hakim Akhtar Sahib has also wrote a couple great books on the subject.

[Cyclicymn]

Man's main test is a woman and sadly, many men have become grey haired and cornered into mental prisons because of failing the test with women.

So the best thing is to follow Rasulullah 's sunnah on how to treat the family.

.

True on both counts...man can attain great stages through sabr with his wife...home ta'leem has great merits, kindness will go a long way and thereafter (instead of a bamboo stick - i'm sure brother Kashmir_85 was joking!) there is the weapon of du'a at your disposal. May Allah ta'ala make your way easy, aameen

[Blaxastij]

Ameen.

[JohnVK]

Brother;

You've received very good advice .

I would like to add that it may help if you let your daughter know every single day how much you think she is beautiful and that you love it when she is respectful. She will enjoy that attention and positive reenforcement and will more than likely want to keep up the habit of being respectful because of the attention she gets from you for it.

The thing is, you have to do it every day. You have to pay attention and catch her doing something good so she knows 1)that it was something good(kids don't always know the difference) -and- 2) that you were paying attention to all of her little actions. Make sure you smile, give her a hug and a kiss and let her know how much you like how she's acting right now.

Honestly, if you do this and catch her doing things good and smile at her etc. then she'll become more sensitive to how you react to her behaviour. So much so, that she may become unhappy if she sees that something made you frown and will cease doing it because it's not the reaction she wants.

If your daughter is only 6, then this is a phase which can be short lived if handled properly. If you just leave her how she is, then it may end up being how she behaves for the rest of her life.

May Allah reward you for your efforts with your wife and children and guide all of us towards better behaviour.

[Vulkanevsel]

I cannot give more advise than that unfortunately as I am a) a wife and b) childless.

May Allah bless you with children, Ameen. My Lord is the All Seeing and All Knowing, but I can only see them being beneficial to mankind.

[gabbaman]

May Allah bless you with children, Ameen. My Lord is the All Seeing and All Knowing, but I can only see them being beneficial to mankind.

May Allah Ta'aala accept your du'aas and grant you the same, Ameen.

[WeissVine]

Serious answer though, you need to start showing your wife, that you are the man and not her...

[FLOMOUSLY]

Assalamu alaikum.
Thanks you so much for your replies, jazakallah khair to you all.

Fristly I tried being her over the head with a stick but she must have been tired because she fell to the floor & went straight to sleep which didn't help because she couldn't talk to me about my problem...
No, just joking but thought kashmir would appreciate some comedy

I will get this books as mentioned by sulaiman & read the links from usama.
I really appreciate all your helps everyone.
I have learned from your posts that I do need to exercise patience, which I was not doing and making things worse for everyone.

Funny thing, after writing this post my daughter was being naughty for my wife, she was getting upset & yelling at her, after a few yours she said to me " I really don't know what to do with her, she is getting worse & worse, she doesn't listen to me, she is driving me crazy with her bad behavior, what should I do?" She hasn't said this to me before!

Brother blackflagsarfaraz, has things worked out for you?

[Nupbeaupeteew]

salaam bro,

the following may help: http://www.circleofmoms.com/article....9cab6&has_fb=1

[FLOMOUSLY]

Serious answer though, you need to start showing your wife, that you are the man and not her...

How can I do this without fighting?
I'm sick of fighting with her!
She is so stubborn & will never ever give in if she thinks she is right..

[swissloveone]

How can I do this without fighting?
I'm sick of fighting with her!
She is so stubborn & will never ever give in if she thinks she is right..

Brother Dua is our weapon, Do the following three things consistently:

1) Specific Dua for Righteous wife and children:

Recite this dua after every Salah. If you ve trouble byhearting, Recite this from your Pc or from the printout every morning and evening, InshAllah eventually you will byheart it soon.



2) Dua During Stress:
You can make this dua when you are under stress and anxiety. Recite it as often as you can.
“Ya Hayyu, ya Qayyumu, bi-rahmatika astaghithu."
(O the Living, O the Eternal, I seek help in Your grace).

Anas said that when the Prophet, peace be upon him, was faced with a serious difficulty, he would always supplicate, “Ya Hayyu, ya Qayyumu, bi-rahmatika astaghithu (O the Living, O the Eternal, I seek help in Your grace).
[Tirmidhi]

3) Recite Ayatul Khursi:

Recite Ayatul Khursi(Al Baqara 255) whenever you get in the house, starting with 'Auzhubillah' and 'Bismillah', It drives Shaytan away from our house and bring Barakah(blessing) to our house. Also recite it and blow on you children too.

May Allah give us solutions to all our Family problems. Ameen.

(if you can try to do any dikr with your wife and children together for 5-10 mins everyday, it should help in bringing unity, InshAllah.)

[FLOMOUSLY]

Assalamu alaikum brother azhar.
Thank you so much for your reply, I will try this and hopefully things get better inshallah.

[fedelwet]

Assalamu alaikum.
Thanks you so much for your replies, jazakallah khair to you all.

Fristly I tried being her over the head with a stick but she must have been tired because she fell to the floor & went straight to sleep which didn't help because she couldn't talk to me about my problem...
No, just joking but thought kashmir would appreciate some comedy

I will get this books as mentioned by sulaiman & read the links from usama.
I really appreciate all your helps everyone.
I have learned from your posts that I do need to exercise patience, which I was not doing and making things worse for everyone.

Funny thing, after writing this post my daughter was being naughty for my wife, she was getting upset & yelling at her, after a few yours she said to me " I really don't know what to do with her, she is getting worse & worse, she doesn't listen to me, she is driving me crazy with her bad behavior, what should I do?" She hasn't said this to me before!

Brother blackflagsarfaraz, has things worked out for you?

Alhumdulilah shes improving and im improving. Ive learning not to react negatively when she presses my red button.

Sabr sabr sabr. Deep breaths. Like one of the sisters said catch her doing something good instead of focusing on that which you dont like.

It aint a perfect world. And life is test. Ive gotta do what i must to pass.

[FLOMOUSLY]

Mashallah