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Old 03-24-2011, 01:58 AM   #1
joulseenjoync

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Default How to deal with backbiting?
Sallamu alaykum

I've been trying really hard to control my tongue, in fact I don't even speak half as much as I used to. So far it's going good al-hamdulilah. Before I was always the 'joker' of the group and was known for my sarcastic comments. I would speak to my friends (girls ofcourse) on the phone for hours, and all we would be doing is backbiting subhanallah.

Al-hamdulilah I've become more practising, and this has led me to change my character (for the better)

I made the conscious decision to not only stop speaking about others, but also I would no longer listen to others speaking about others. I even saw something with my own eyes, that was scandalous but kept it to myself which was a first. I was biting my tongue the whole day & itching to tell somebody but I didn't al-hamdulilah. I just focus on my own faults now, not others.

Anyway my problem is the reaction I'm having from other people. In one day, nearly everybody I came in contact with wanted to tell me something about so-and-so. I can't blame them because that was our speech, that's what I used to indulge in. But I stopped every single one and said I don't wish to hear it. So far, people have just stopped talking to me. I even had a sister laugh at me and roll her eyes.

Today is another day, and again people want to tell me something about so-and so. When I want to quote something from the sunnah or Quran these people think I'm trying to act righteous or that I think I'm better than them when I don't.

I want to please Allah (swt) .. so I'm not going to let them speak about others to me. I just want advice on how to tell these people in a nice way I'm not interested because saying 'I'm not interested' or that's haram makes them and then they

Also people are counting down the days that I go back to how I used to be. Subhanallah. They think this is a phase. The fact that I've cut off all non-mahram, and I dress more religiously is making them

I spend most my days alone now, and pray to Allah that he increases my imaan because I don't wish to turn away from the truth. I just want advice on how I can deal with backbiting, because the way I'm doing it now is just getting a lot of and I'm wondering if there's a nicer way to go about it?

Sorry I made the post long.
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Old 03-24-2011, 02:04 AM   #2
defenderfors

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if you can read urdu then read go to the following link

http://www.deeneislam.com/ur/misc/Da...le.php?CID=558
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Old 03-24-2011, 09:12 AM   #3
texprofi

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IN THIS BOOK THERE IS A VERY USEFUL LECTURE ON BACKBITING:
http://www.4shared.com/document/bdfU...-Discours.html
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Old 03-24-2011, 09:25 AM   #4
tyclislavaify

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It sounds like you are doing well in avoiding it already. Would it be possible for you to find new friends who are also seeking spiritual growth in their lives? Is there a sister's study group you could attend where you might meet and spend time with others who are focused in a manner like yourself?

You asked if there is a nicer way you can tell them that you don't want to hear it. One thing you could do is if someone starts to talk about someone else, then cut them off by saying something like, "Thank you for sharing your concern, I'll remember her in my du'as." Then change the subject. This doesn't even give them the chance to continue. If they persist in wanting to share their gossip you can cut them off again by suggesting that since she is so concerned about the person, then perhaps she could go talk to the person and offer her help. (which of course your friend doesn't want to do. She just wants to gossip!)

Over time your "friends" will see that you are sincere in not wanting to hear it. If they choose to not be your friends anymore, then be thankful that you no longer have that in your life!

I hope all the best for you!
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Old 03-24-2011, 01:16 PM   #5
joulseenjoync

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Thanks for the replies. I will try what you guys have suggested inshallah. Sounds good...
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Old 03-24-2011, 01:26 PM   #6
Thydaysuh

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Sallamu alaykum

I've been trying really hard to control my tongue, in fact I don't even speak half as much as I used to. So far it's going good al-hamdulilah. Before I was always the 'joker' of the group and was known for my sarcastic comments. I would speak to my friends (girls ofcourse) on the phone for hours, and all we would be doing is backbiting subhanallah.

Al-hamdulilah I've become more practising, and this has led me to change my character (for the better)

I made the conscious decision to not only stop speaking about others, but also I would no longer listen to others speaking about others. I even saw something with my own eyes, that was scandalous but kept it to myself which was a first. I was biting my tongue the whole day & itching to tell somebody but I didn't al-hamdulilah. I just focus on my own faults now, not others.

Anyway my problem is the reaction I'm having from other people. In one day, nearly everybody I came in contact with wanted to tell me something about so-and-so. I can't blame them because that was our speech, that's what I used to indulge in. But I stopped every single one and said I don't wish to hear it. So far, people have just stopped talking to me. I even had a sister laugh at me and roll her eyes.

Today is another day, and again people want to tell me something about so-and so. When I want to quote something from the sunnah or Quran these people think I'm trying to act righteous or that I think I'm better than them when I don't.

I want to please Allah (swt) .. so I'm not going to let them speak about others to me. I just want advice on how to tell these people in a nice way I'm not interested because saying 'I'm not interested' or that's haram makes them and then they

Also people are counting down the days that I go back to how I used to be. Subhanallah. They think this is a phase. The fact that I've cut off all non-mahram, and I dress more religiously is making them

I spend most my days alone now, and pray to Allah that he increases my imaan because I don't wish to turn away from the truth. I just want advice on how I can deal with backbiting, because the way I'm doing it now is just getting a lot of and I'm wondering if there's a nicer way to go about it?

Sorry I made the post long.
SAME!
i started practicing..and when i would try to also advice others(and myself) not to backbite..they just laugh at me and say ''yeah..yeah''
they (my previous friends) would always say: ''omg you are so boring now! before you were so fun and cool..but now ....now your just boring!''
Alhamdulillah i have 3 new friends who are more like me and still when my previous friends come to us they would say :''bye losers..i might aswell go to them..they are more intersting''
most of the time we (me and my friends) talk about islam and my previous friends find it boring.
all i am trying to do is to be a good servant...
but may Allah help me and others to stay on the right track!
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Old 03-24-2011, 01:31 PM   #7
Thydaysuh

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PRACTICAL REMEDY TO GHEEBAH

1.) One should take action and not be passive and quiet when gheebah is taking place. Rather one should take a practical approach. If someone does gheebah in front of you, then you should prevent the person from doing it. [This could easily be done in a friendly manner by changing the subject saying, “Aw come on.... Let’s talk about something else!”]

If the person still persists in his gheebah then you must excuse yourself to leave that gathering. [Make an excuse to go to the bathroom or something else. Freshen up and come back. Hopefully the person will get the idea that you are trying to avoid his harmful conversation by leaving that gathering]. And if he doesn’t get the idea, then one should clearly let him know that what he is doing is a sin and do not be afraid of breaking his heart or hurting his feelings.

A true believer does not break his own Deen for the sake of not breaking the heart of someone else. We do not cause hurt to our own Imaan for the sake of not hurting someone else’s feelings.

2.) One very brilliant remedy to this evil habit is that you should notify the person whom you have back-bitten and let him know what you said about him. If one punishes and humiliates the nafs like this a couple of times then one will regret doing this sin for good Insha-Allah.

From Islahul Gheebah: http://annoor.wordpress.com/2007/01/...or-backbiting/

Also just a side note, don't worry about this whole countdown thing, I've seen it happen to girls my age so many times, I guess its a trend for the "cool kids" to do this to those who are trying to better themselves. Inshallah you'll be rewarded for all of your struggles, just think of it as another test and another opportunity to prove your love for Allah. If people look down on you for doing what you're supposed to be doing, then what they think doesn't really matter to begin with. Pretty soon it will be over and they'll think of someone else to bother.
But..to be honest, i also backbaite but i am trying my best no to.. there are some occasions where i backbited..do i HAVE to tell the one whom i backbited..that i did and do i HAVE to tell him what i said about him?
if YES, then this is a really hard thing to do..is there any other way i can ask for forgiveness from backbiting?
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Old 03-25-2011, 12:05 PM   #8
mxzjxluwst

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Sallamu alaykum

I've been trying really hard to control my tongue, in fact I don't even speak half as much as I used to. So far it's going good al-hamdulilah. Before I was always the 'joker' of the group and was known for my sarcastic comments. I would speak to my friends (girls ofcourse) on the phone for hours, and all we would be doing is backbiting subhanallah.

Al-hamdulilah I've become more practising, and this has led me to change my character (for the better)

I made the conscious decision to not only stop speaking about others, but also I would no longer listen to others speaking about others. I even saw something with my own eyes, that was scandalous but kept it to myself which was a first. I was biting my tongue the whole day & itching to tell somebody but I didn't al-hamdulilah. I just focus on my own faults now, not others.

Anyway my problem is the reaction I'm having from other people. In one day, nearly everybody I came in contact with wanted to tell me something about so-and-so. I can't blame them because that was our speech, that's what I used to indulge in. But I stopped every single one and said I don't wish to hear it. So far, people have just stopped talking to me. I even had a sister laugh at me and roll her eyes.

Today is another day, and again people want to tell me something about so-and so. When I want to quote something from the sunnah or Quran these people think I'm trying to act righteous or that I think I'm better than them when I don't.

I want to please Allah (swt) .. so I'm not going to let them speak about others to me. I just want advice on how to tell these people in a nice way I'm not interested because saying 'I'm not interested' or that's haram makes them and then they

Also people are counting down the days that I go back to how I used to be. Subhanallah. They think this is a phase. The fact that I've cut off all non-mahram, and I dress more religiously is making them

I spend most my days alone now, and pray to Allah that he increases my imaan because I don't wish to turn away from the truth. I just want advice on how I can deal with backbiting, because the way I'm doing it now is just getting a lot of and I'm wondering if there's a nicer way to go about it?

Sorry I made the post long.



As far as your obligation to advise them against the wrongs of backbiting is concerned, this is contingent upon whether you believe that they will take your advice into consideration or not. If you are convinced that an individual will hearken to your counsel then it is an imperative upon you that you advise them accordingly. If you do not suspect that your admonition will have any influence upon them, then it is not required of you that you exhort them in this.

With that being said, I would advise that if you feel that a person will not follow your recommendations yet they are someone who you come into contact with on a regular basis, then you should make it known to them that you do not wish to hear such things. This will deter a person from mentioning such occurrences to you in the future. Care should be taken however to covey this message to them in the most affectionate and palatable manner possible.

As for those the individuals assuming that your step in the right direction is but a phase and trying to discredit your sincerity, you will just have to have patience with this because their conclusion is a phase in itself. InshaAllah with time they will see that you are determined in your pursuit for nearness to Allah Ta'ala and accept this goal of yours.

For those that do not accept this and leave your side due to this decision, understand that this is amongst the trials of this path and your sacrifices in this matter will increase your closeness to Allah Ta'ala and be a means of great reward for you in the Aakhirah.

May Allah Ta'ala give us ease in our pursuit of his pleasure and make us amongst the accepted ones.

Ameen.

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Old 03-25-2011, 12:11 PM   #9
mxzjxluwst

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But..to be honest, i also backbaite but i am trying my best no to.. there are some occasions where i backbited..do i HAVE to tell the one whom i backbited..that i did and do i HAVE to tell him what i said about him?
if YES, then this is a really hard thing to do..is there any other way i can ask for forgiveness from backbiting?



If this individual is a non-mahram to you then you should not go speak to them to tell them of this. Rather, just ask for forgiveness form Allah Ta'ala and make du'a for that person. Furthermore, make an attempt to clear up whatever it is that you said about them to those that were present at the time.

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Old 03-25-2011, 12:39 PM   #10
pavilionnotebook

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I made the conscious decision to not only stop speaking about others, but also I would no longer listen to others speaking about others. I even saw something with my own eyes, that was scandalous but kept it to myself which was a first. I was biting my tongue the whole day & itching to tell somebody but I didn't al-hamdulilah. I just focus on my own faults now, not others.
Thanks a lot, you've given me a khutba topic for Jumuah.
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Old 03-25-2011, 01:38 PM   #11
Grennios

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I just focus on my own faults now, not others.
Best thing i saw in this forum so far.

About others troubling you, dont worry . For each trail and tribulations we suffer, sins are expatiated by it. Also remember the examples of the trouble our beloved Prophet (Saw) and Sahaba (ra) went through to obey the commands of Allah. InshAllah you will get the reward for refraining from gheebah and being ready to face the consequences. I too fear my tongue, its a very dangerous thing. Even Abu Bakr(ra) was careful about his tongue and said, "This has brought me down to dangerous places.". So imagine what kind of trouble we are in!
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Old 03-26-2011, 02:34 AM   #12
Thydaysuh

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I just focus on my own faults now, not others.
how did u do that?
plz tell me how i can focus on my own faults!
...anyone?
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Old 03-26-2011, 09:57 AM   #13
Mymnnarry

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how did u do that?
plz tell me how i can focus on my own faults!
...anyone?


One buzurg said allah has given us two eyes, one for looking our faults and other for looking other nice things.

As far as talking about backbiting, I think we shouldn't talk more about others. If we start talking about others specially who we doesn't like then definitely w'll backbite others. We should stop at the starting point.
May allah save us from this sins.
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Old 03-27-2011, 02:23 AM   #14
Thydaysuh

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Think about all the things that you need to work on, for example maybe you need to work on lowering your gaze, maybe you are disrespectful to your parents, maybe you need to watch your speech, etc. and then focus on fixing those habits. Then you won't even have time to worry about what other people are doing.
Thnx. May Allah reward you!
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Old 03-27-2011, 08:15 AM   #15
texprofi

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how did u do that?
plz tell me how i can focus on my own faults!
...anyone?
i have not sent to see fault of others
They are either my sister or brothers
What i do - would be the accountability
Others deed isn't my responsibility.
i could only spread the truth and warn
For others deed i wouldn't burn.
If i start taking my account
Not possible to finish the count.
How would i end my life - this thought
Should refrain me what have others got.
What's my wrong, if i always see
This worry would help reform me.
Others wrong if my eyes catch
i'll be in a deceptive patch.
Sins that occur most often
Are due to such a reason.
Such acts would always hinder my way
Success will never come what may.

I will be shown
my Book of Deed
So, why on others
I pay heed(!)
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Old 03-27-2011, 11:35 PM   #16
Thydaysuh

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i have not sent to see fault of others
They are either my sister or brothers
What i do - would be the accountability
Others deed isn't my responsibility.
i could only spread the truth and warn
For others deed i wouldn't burn.
If i start taking my account
Not possible to finish the count.
How would i end my life - this thought
Should refrain me what have others got.
What's my wrong, if i always see
This worry would help reform me.
Others wrong if my eyes catch
i'll be in a deceptive patch.
Sins that occur most often
Are due to such a reason.
Such acts would always hinder my way
Success will never come what may.

I will be shown
my Book of Deed
So, why on others
I pay heed(!)
Masha'Allah
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