Marriage problem - no feelings for wife -
 

Salaaam,
I am after some opinions advice and hope brothers and sisters can assist.
I have been married for a short period of time 3 months.
It was an arranged marriage / rishta was done through family.
I met the girl twice in the company of my/her family.
The families liked each other, I thought it through couldn't think of a reason to say no.
She wasn't the most practising girl but alhamdulillah she did her best to complete her salah.
I did Istikara and got a positive feel I thought of 1 single reason to say no but was unable to so then decided to go ahead.
We got engaged but never met during engagement kept contact to a minimum I tried to keep it as islamic as possible.
First month was ok'ish we went on holiday we came back got on with our lives however since then things haven't really gone to plan in the last month I have stopped any sexual relationship with my wife.
The first 2 months were ok but we never really spoke we never got on any deep level we are 2 completely different people with different up-bringings.
We have nothing in common, the conversation goes as far as hello, how are you how is you day.
I have tried speaking but I can't we spend hours together in a room where she does her thing I do my thing and the conversation is kept to a minimum.
I cannot fault my wife, she is what one would expect from a wife and alhamdulillah fulfils her duties as a wife but we have no connection there is no click mentally/emotionally/physically.
For the first few months there was a physical relationship but all of a sudden i got put off and decided to speak about the issues which we were having instead of ignoring them, because I don't get on with her because I cannot find understanding with her and she cannot with me and I can't keep up the physical sides with no bonding with my wife, I do not feel anything for her and cannot force these feelings,
Obviously my wife was deeply upset and she knew we were having issues and has become more upset since I confronted the issues instead of ignoring it.
I do not know what to do? There is no way I can spend the rest of my life in this state it would just not work and another reason why I have stopped the physical side of things is because I do not wish for her to get pregnant until we are happy/content with each other and there isn't a single dua I make where I do not ask Allah to bless me with off spring and right from the start of the marriage I knew something was up so decided that may be going down the kid route would be best but now realised it isn't.

Alhamdulillah I am practising as much as I can living my life as halal as possible even started to read Tahajjud as often as I can, next step is to fast and strive in the path of Allah and beg for his mercy and his guidance.

Any brothers/sisters been in similar situations? any advice you could share ?

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sounds like maybe you had too many expectations to start off with, 3 months isn't long enough to know somebody, you should try to build a connection inshaAllah, talk about the things which interest you, try to involve her, its not like she refuses to make an effort right?

Talk about Islam, read each other stories from the seerah, ask her opinions on different issues etc

Do you know what exactly it is that you want your relationship to be like? what would you like her interests to be etc? what expectations do you have

Does she feel the same way as you?

Salaam,
No I didn't have too many expectations to start of with I was very realistic in what I expect and what life delivers.
Your right 3 months isn't long enough to know somebody and I already know this but when there is no attraction in any form it becomes very difficult.
I want to be able to talk to my wife and feel I want to rather than for the sake of it I want to feel attractions towards her mentally/physically.
I can smile at her and she can become very happy and I can do this and keep her happy but not mean any of it but it feels so fake which is why we have adressed issues and now spending a few days apart.

how are days apart supposed to help....unless ofcourse you have decided to give up already?

No brother I haven't given up already.
The time apart was originally planned a few weeks ago with it being xmas holidays etc ... but its just coincidence that all this has happened in the last few weeks .

Start to do things together, even if it means you/ she is out of their comfort zone.
Try getting involved with what she is doing and get her to help you with whatever you are doing too, during the time you are both in same room at least
3 months is still a short spce of time.
I'm sure others will respond with much better advice the above is just a few suggestions to get you started.

Marriage is not easy brother and your only 3 months in , you should be talking to each other often if you don't open your mouth then she won't either. Distance only causes her to feel unwanted which is not want you want to get across. if you want her to be more islamic then make that clear .

you need to be a man and take the lead whenever i had a difficulty in my marriage my husband may allah have mercy on him took the lead and sailed us through the storm.
you can't expect comfort without hard work, look hard at your life and see the blessing allah gave you , you say she is a good wife then be patient and try to lead better islamic lives. join islamic classes together spend time in the pleasure of allah.

Kindly elaborate little bit on your upbringing and her upbringing.

Tell each other jokes like this one

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pSWN6...ature=youtu.be

Be a little silly together sometimes insha Allah it'll help you guys bond more.

If you really believe your marriage can work by the grace of Allah SWT, He SWT will most definitely make it work for you and that's an absolute fact my brother. You just have to have faith in Allah SWT. It's that simple.

May Allah SWT beautify your marriage so much that you look forward to being married to each other in Jannah too. Aminhttp://www.discussworldissues.com/fo...nnah_smile.gif

Assalam o alaikum wa rehmatullah wa barakatohu brother,,

may Allah taala put much much much barakah,khair,mawaddah & rehma in your married life.ameen

if it is possible,i would suggest please consult a Shaykh,some naik buzurgh(elderly pious) person..maybe there more than meets the eye…sometimes we cant put our finger on what it is & what needs to be done..All is from Allah taala..

mashAllah you have started tahajjud..alhamdulilah..your situation drove you to it..so there is always khair in everything. may Allah taala accept it & grant you qubooliyat.



in need of duas..
wasslamualaikum

Its strange that you say you're trying to practice religion and offering tahajjud etc. but at the same time you are ignoring the fact that keeping your wife happy is also one of your religious duties as a husband....brother, we dont always get what we want in life....it would have been fine to ignore her had she not been your wife, but now that you are in a relationship with her, you need to realize that just because you dont feel anything for her doesnt mean you totally deprive her of the essence of this relationship.....Allah(SWT) has chosen her for you.

Some of our pious predecessors didn't get the ideal wives and they themselves admitted this fact. But they tried their best to make them feel loved and fulfilled their rights. And by rights im not referring to the basic rights, im sure you must be fulfilling them.

Hazrat Mirza Mazhar Jaanay Jana R.A had absolutely no compatibility with his wife, when people asked him why he didn't break his relationship, Hazrat replied that whatever fame Allah SWT has grated me it is because of my patience that I have done on my wife.....

Hope your matters get sorted

Yay! This is a good situation, now you can get to know this totally new stranger. Thats what the initial years of marriage are about brother. Enjoy it!!

Anyways shaikh your intention for sexual relations with wife should be for sake of Allah swt, to protect her from sin. Just do it with that intention, to please Allah swt. If she doesnt get that from you then where will she go? Do you want this servant of Allah to engage in sin? So at the bare minimum use this intention and protect her from sin.

Brother you must have something in common with the sister? Besides deen there must be something? If you really don't have anything, you have deen right? That is a good conversation starter.

What exactly is/are the problems? From what you've described it seems the problem is lack of communication. You need to speak to her and get her to speak to you. Talk and talk to each other about the problems you are facing. Take her away for the weekend to some hotel (if you can afford it) and speak to her.

If you however find after much talking that you both don't want to take it forward, then don't feel trapped and stay in the marriage for the sake of it. Move on from it.

Also, why don't you use contraception in the meanwhile (instead of stopping sex completely) until you are sure you are happy with the way the marriage is going? This is completely permissibly and if I recall correctly even encouraged when one is thinking about separation from ones wife.

Btw what type of feelings where you expecting after three months into marriage? Marriage is hard work because two people who are from completely different background and upbringing are put together to live with each other and even share a bed. It takes a lot of time (for some years) to get used to each other's habits and character.

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be realistic. love her for her innocence, her devotion the way she likes you though you ignoring her. It takes time to understand each other even if you find some new friend. Have some sabr and be the best husband what she be expecting.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ElorOKjrSR8


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Unfortunately, arranged marriages are still common amongst Pakistanis in the UK. Hell, in conservative families it's even considered a taboo to get married to a person of your own choice with no interference from family, I've always hated this culture.

Through an arranged marriage, you hardly get to know your wife and this leads to many problems. You need to have understanding of your spouse before marriage and sometimes (in most cases rather) this takes a long time. I myself have witnessed arranged marriages fall apart and people's life's mentally destroyed - life's which could have been spent in a much better way. Anyways, you've gone through with the marriage so it's important that you improve the situation fast otherwise things will get worse until you'll find it very tedious living with her.

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I dont think arranged marriage is forced on this brother. This marriage has taken place with his approval. Unless one lives and spend time with the spouse, one cannot know them. I dont know how will one have understanding before marriage for the real understanding comes with time after marriage. We should give enough time and try to fulfill others rights as best as possible making duaa to Allah SWT and things will come on its way inshaaAllah.
Make plenty of duaas for it is Allah SWT who puts love in the hearts of spouses.

When a man came to ‘Umar ibn al-Khattab (R.A.A.) and told him that he wanted to divorce his wife because he disliked her, ‘Umar (R.A.A.) said, “Woe to you! Are families only built on love? Where is your consideration and care?”

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1. To create or develop love between man and his wife:

1. Recite Surah Yasin 7 times and every time blow breath through the palm of the right hand on 7 almonds separately and give them to your spouse for eating all of them.

2. BISMILLAHIR RAHMAN NIR RAHIM 786 times on a glass of clean (pure) water and give it to your spouse for drinking.

3. Recite Surah An-Nisa 7 times a day.


2. To remove misunderstanding and discord and instead create love and understanding between man and wife:

1. Recite Surah Jumah (chapter 62) on Friday and invoke the Almighty Allah to fulfill your desire.

2. Recite the Allah's name "AL MAANI-U" (meaning: The Preventer) as many times as possible.

3. Recite the following portion of verse 54 of al Ma-idah on some sweet eatables and let both of them eat it.:

He loves them and who love Him, humble towards the believers, mighty against the infidels.

UH'IBBUHUM WA YUH'IBBOONAHOOO AD'ILLATIN A'LAL MOOMINEENA A-I'ZZATIN A'LAL KAAFIREEN


3. If the husband is displeased with the wife:

1. Recite the following verse 165 of Surah Al Baqarah on some sweat eatables and give it to him to eat. Inshaallah soon there will be positive result :

And yet there are some among men who take for themselves objects of worship besides Allah whom they love as they love Allah; but the believers are stronger in love from Allah. And if those who are unjust could only see when they see the punishment, that to Allah belongs all powers, and verily Allah is severe in punishment.

WA MINAN NAASI MAY YATTAKHID'U MIN DOONILLAAHI ANDAADAY YUH'IBBOONAHUM KAH'UBBILLAAH WALLAD'EENA AAMANOOO ASHADDU H'UBBAL LILLAAH WA LAW YARAL LAD'EENA Z'ALAMOOD ID'YARAWNAL A'D'AABA ANNAL QUWWATA LILLAAHI JAMEE-A'W WA ANNALLAAHA SHADEEDUL A'D'AAB

2. Recite 30 times verse 129 of Surah al Bara-at during the Friday night, keeping in mind the name of the displeased spouse. Inshallah, there will be harmony between the two spouses again.

But if they turn away, say: “Allah suffices me. There is no god but He. On Him do I rely, and He is the Lord of the great throne.”

FA-IN TAWALLAW FAQUL H'ASBIYALLAAHU LAAA ILAAHA ILLAA HUW A'LAYHI TAWAKKALTU WA HUWA RABBUL A'RSHIL A'Z'EEM

Then say name of spouse with mother

O my Allah, You are (my) Lord, be sufficient for me to make her heart yield to me and submit to me in (love and affection).

ALLAAHUMMA ANTA YAA RABBI 'ASBEE A'LAA (mention the name of the spouse with mother's name) QA-T'IF QALBAHAA A'LAYYA WA D'ALLIHAA LEE


4. To make a bad tempered and wicked husband docile and gentle:

1. recite the following du-a'a on some sweet eatables and give it to him to eat:

O everliving, O self-subsisting, O beneficent, O merciful (help me) by Your mercy, O the most merciful.

YAA H'AYYU YAA QAYYOOM YAA RAH'MAANU YAA RAHEEM BIRAH'MATIKA YAA ARH'AMAR RAAHIMEEN

I took the above from this forum sometimes back.

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Not sure if it pertains directly to the topic but I hope it helps http://www.discussworldissues.com/fo...ilies/insh.gif.

Keeping the spark of love alive in a relationship

http://daruliftaa.net/General-Islamic/sparklove.html

Assalam alikum wa rahmat Allah,
Due to short time i did not read others response inshallah want to share my brotherly thought,
not having common worldly points in many ways is blessing. it gives the husband time to connect to Allah. the common points is kuffars invention. and the worldly romance that goes with it. marriage becoming the purpose of life and having high expectation from marriage, fancy weddings etc is kufars way of life that penetrated our islamic culture. My brother apprerciate the opportunity Allah has given to you with your new wife . if one spend time with quran, tafsir, nafl sunnah , dawah, dhikr there will be no time for rediculous habits that kuffar has introduced through movies etc as having common poits with wife life. by common points they mean their liking of music, movies icecream, color of cloth and other pettey redicioulous stuff. appreciate her be serious with Alah she will adjust to you inshallah And Allah swt within time will fill your heart and house with his light and love. rest is stories
may allah bless you