[Sensbachtal]

I know we have a jokes board BUT still...i know I check this board more frequently than any other lol.....

So....Whatcha gonna do to make us laugh today!!!

Share your jokes.....

I shall forgive Blonde Jokes even hehe roflmao....

*for those who don't know...CLEAN JOKES ONLY!*

[jyhugikuhih]

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[jyhugikuhih]

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?"

* Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young,
we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside
worrying about a burned-out bulb?

* Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring
that's not up to code.

* Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

* Rottweiler: Make me.

* Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb!
Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

* Siberian Husky: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed
me while he's busy.

* Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm
bouncing off the walls and furniture.

* Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll
do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails
will be dry.

* ****er Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the
carpet in the dark.

* Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on
the couch.

* Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in
the dark......

* Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

* Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

* Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got this
headache.....

* Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there...

* Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

* Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in
a little circle....

* Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't
see a light bulb?

* German Shepherd: Alright, everyone stop where you are! Who
busted the light? I SAID,"STOP WHERE YOU ARE!!!"

* Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz

* Cat: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light
bulbs. So the question is: How long will it be before I can
expect light?

[jyhugikuhih]

Bizarre Crimes of the 20th Century -----------+

In 1901, a thief robbed a post train in New Orleans and
stole 12,568 Christmas cards.

In 1910, a man known as John Smith decided to rob a bank. He
put on women's tights and entered the office. All clients
and the security started laughing, but it did not stop Smith
from approaching the cash desk and withdrawing $10,000 from
his own account. Laughing police officers took the bizarre
thief away.

In 1936, a prisoner sentenced to death penalty escaped
during his own execution. He ran away together with the
electric chair, to which he was fixed. The prisoner hoped to
cross the Mexican border and sell the electric chair in
Mexico. The police nabbed the fugitive near the prison gate.

In 1966, a group of gypsies stole an elephant in the city of
Arkhangelsk, Russia. They failed to sell the animal and had
to ing it back to the zoo.

In 1975, a married couple of thieves went to court when they
could not agree on how to split what they had stolen before.
The court put them both in jail.

In 1980, two perpetrators tried to rob a bank in New York.
They disarmed the security, told them to take all money and
other metal things out of their pockets and stole all that.
No one even bothered to catch them.

In 1982, a criminal oke into a flat of a Russian elderly
lady and stole a replica of Da Vinci's Mona Lisa. The lady
cut that picture out from a very old magazine - it was the
only thing that the criminal stole.

In 1986, a thief oke into a casino in Atlantic City.
Yielding a gun, the man stole a bag of quarters. The thief
ran about ten meters away from the cash desk, sat down at
one of the gambling machines and started playing. Hardly
had he lost a half of the money to the machine, when the
police nabbed him.

In 1998, the largest theft of punched cards took place in
the Moscow region in 1998. Three years later it became known
that someone had stolen about 20 train cars of punched cards.
It is still a mystery who stole the cards, what for and
where such a large number of cards came from. Furthermore,
no one even reported the disappearance of 20 cars.

In 1999, a group of Russian soldiers robbed a beer kiosk not
far from their quarters. A company of soldiers stopped near
the kiosk, a sergeant called three military men from the
line and ordered them to rob it.


***

[jyhugikuhih]

AHEM......lol

Top signs that you are addicted to the Internet:

* Your opening line when meeting people is, "So what's your
home page address?"

* Your best friend is someone you've never met.

* You see a beautiful sunset, and you half expect to see
"Enhanced for Netscape 1.1" on one of the clouds.

* You are overcome with disbelief, anger and finally
depressed when you encounter a Web page with no links.

* You feel driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day" on
your wedding day.

* You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydro-
plane on a puddle, sending your car careening toward the
flimsy guard rail that separates you from the precipice of a
rocky cliff and certain death. You look for the "Back"
button.

* You visit "The Really Big Button that Doesn't Do Anything"
again and again and again.

* Your dog has his own Web page

* So does your hamster.

* When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to
click on the underlined passages.

[jyhugikuhih]

Imponderables
1) Does a clean house indicate that there is a oken computer?
2) Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
3) Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
4) Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to
eat will have materialized?
5) On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice"?
How many pieces of ead do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?
6) Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
7) Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?
8) How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?
9) Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
10) When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's alright?"
Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
11) Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
12) Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
13) In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
14) How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?
15) If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it the first time?
16) The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

[jyhugikuhih]

In Saudi Arabia, a woman reportedly may divorce her husband
if he does not keep her supplied with coffee.

[jyhugikuhih]

Letter from the dog
Dear Master:

The cat is despicable. She doesn't do any tricks and never comes when you call and I've been there and I know she can hear you. We need to face the facts:
It's time to get rid of the cat.
Before the cat's arrival, meals were very festive times. I would sit and stare attentively at your lips, trembling slightly and drooling. You would play the game of pretending to be cross and demand that I leave the area, but whenever you cooked dinner your children would slip me food under the table.
Now, though, the cat is allowed to jump on the table - actually physically walk on the table! You don't yell at the cat, you just pick her up and put her back on the floor, and I know you don't see it, but she always gives me a haughty look as she walks past me.
And speaking of meals, I have always been satisfied to eat the gritty pellets of meat by-products you ing home in the giant bags, right? Have I ever once, ever, failed to finish a meal? But now I find out that the cat is being served lobster and salmon and crab - and she never consumes all of it!
This means there are little containers of delectable snacks lying around and how can I be blamed for making sure they get eaten? Why do you get so mad? As long as the pet food is going to the pets, isn't that what's important?

Speaking of sanitation, do you realize that the cat goes to the bathroom in the house? And not in the drinking basins like you do, but in a sandbox in the basement. What are we going to say if some woman ings her baby over to play in the sandbox and the cat has been using it as a toilet? I used to police the thing for you, but you put it up out of my reach for some reason.

I'm not the only one who believes the cat is an evil creature. Here's a note from the hamster:


Subject: Cat
Please tell cat to stop staring at me while I work.
Signed,
Hamster
Department of Rodent Wheels

I also tried to get a note from the fish, but apparently it believes that everything happening outside its bowl is some kind of reality TV show.
I don't understand why the cat is allowed up on the bed and I'm not. I am far more cuddly than any stupid cat. I think her purring sounds unhealthy and may be a sign of tuberculosis.
And why doesn't she ever get a bath? She smells like saliva from licking her paws - you'd never catch me licking such ridiculous places. I often smell wonderful from rolling in road kill, yet you give me baths all the time.

And speaking of sleeping, sometimes I'll be taking a nap and she'll come right up and lie down beside me. Usually I'm too tired to do anything about it, but then later the other dogs smell her on me and crack a lot of jokes at my expense.
So, not to exaggerate, but the cat has ought the family to complete ruin. I'm sorry I have to be the one to ing it to your attention, but now that I have, I think we can all agree that we should go back to the way it was, when I was the 1 pet.

Sincerely,
The Dog

[jyhugikuhih]

DOG AND CAT CHARACTERISTICS

Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get back to you
when
they are good and ready.

Dogs look much better at the end of a leash.

Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a contract on your

life.

Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly

sneak out the back door.

Dogs will ing you your slippers or the evening newspaper. Cats might
ing
you a dead mouse.

Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon. Cats will take a
three-hour
nap.

Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you. Cats have to have their own
private box or they will not go at all.

Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home from work.
Cats
will be mad that you went to work at all.

Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command. Cats will smirk and walk
away.

Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk. Cats will yawn
and
close their eyes.

Dogs will give you unconditional love forever. Cats will make you pay
for
every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born

[jyhugikuhih]

Bizarre Questions to Think About

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Recite at a play and play at a recital?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian
eat?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same while a
wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

Why is the word "abeviate" so long?

How can overlook and oversee be opposites while quite a lot
and quite a few are alike?

How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell
the next?

If a 711 is open 24 hours-a-day, 365 days-a-year, why are
there locks on the doors?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up
ATM?

What is another word for "Thesaurus"?

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of
congress?

Why is it when you transport something by car, it's called a
shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's
called cargo?

[jyhugikuhih]

Twelve things PMS stands for :

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Pack My Stuff
And my favorite one...
12. Potential Murder Suspect

[jyhugikuhih]

Some Less Commonly Known Phobias

Acrorectophobia: The fear of a-holes in high places.
Amathophobia: The fear of dust.
Anananany: The inability to stop spelling 'banana' once you've started.
Anatidaephobia: The fear that wherever you are, a duck is watching!
Androphobia: The fear of men.
Angoraphobia: The fear of soft sweaters and rabbits.
Anthropophobia: The fear of human beings.
Archibutyrophobia: The fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth.
Eonaphobics: The fear of transvestites.
Friendorphobia: The fear of being asked "Who goes there?"
Friggaphobics: People who fear Fridays.
Genuphobia: The fear of knees.
Graphophobia: The fear of writing.
Heortophobia: The fear of holidays.
Iophobia: The fear of rust.
Katagelophobia: The fear of ridicule.
Lyssophobia: The fear of insanity.
Peniaphobia: The fear of poverty.
Phobaphobia: The fear of fear itself.
Phobia: What you have left over after you drink two out of a 6-pack.
Phronemophobia: The fear of thinking.
Pognophobia: The fear of beards.
Quadriphobia: The fear of 4-way stops and not knowing who goes next

[jyhugikuhih]

REAL LIFE ANSWERS TO A AFFIC VIOLATION EXAM

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way
stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker
saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.

Q: What changes would occur in your life if you could no
longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light
and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being
passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if heshe is cute.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk
driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the
road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

[jyhugikuhih]

Parking Rules: (Thank You Morning Star)

Rule 1 - When waiting for a parking spot on the street, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.

Rule 2 - In a lot, always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.

Rule 3 - Make sure that your alarm is on, and your door slightly ajar in an indoor parking lot.

Rule 4 - As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull though and take it from him. If it is not empty, drive up half way and stop on the line, taking both. This works especially well in crowded lots.

Rule 5 - Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline and KY to squeeze into hisher car.

Rule 6 - When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your door really hard. If the other person is in their car, follow it by saying "oops" if you are a man, "oopsy" if you are a woman, and just giggle softly if you are a blond.

Rule 7 - When walking back to your car, if you notice other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs, press the buttons on your key chain remote so that your car's alarm makes a sudden loud "BLOOP BLEEP" that scares the crap out of them.

Rule 8 - When walking back to your car in a busy shopping center, walk down an aisle adjacent to yours having your keys in your hand. Wait till a car follows you before changing lanes. This is especially good if you can read lips

Rule 9 - When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it.

Rule 10 - If you have Handicap license plates, use up a regular parking spot.

Rule 11 - If you hit the adjacent car with your door and leave a dent, wait for a car, which is painted the same color as yours, to drive down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your spot like "Mr. Good Guy" and park somewhere else.

Rule 12 - When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought.

Rule 13 - deleted...for those who are superstitious!

Rule 14 - When exiting a shopping center into a busy road, exit through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and wait.

Rule 15 - When driving through a parking lot with alternating one-way aisles and angled parking spots, drive the wrong way. Then when you see a parking space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point turn to pull into it.

Rule 16 - Always leave your shopping cart behind or tightly between parked vehicles.

Rule 17 - Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping center parking lots. While your at it, dump out all the garbage, too, including that Wendy's or McDonald's bag sitting in the back seat from eakfast.

Rule 18 - When holiday shopping at the mall, which requires you to load your bags into the car and go back in to do more shopping, do NOT tell the driver who is sitting patiently watching you load your car and signaling for your spot.

Rule 18A- If actually leaving, wave cars on pretending that you are just packing your car and will be going back, and wait for that cute member of the opposite sex to look for a spot.

[jyhugikuhih]

~~ Only In America ~~

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get
their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our
useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so
we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. (THIS
ONE ALWAYS BUGGED ME!)
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin
meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

~~ EVER WONDER ~~

1. Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
2. Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
3. Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
4. Why is "abeviated" such a long word?
5. Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
6. Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

7. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a oker?
9. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
10. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
11. When dog food has new and improved taste, who tests it?
12. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? (my favorite)

13. Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
14. You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole
plane out of that stuff?
15. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
16. Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
17. If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
18. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

[jyhugikuhih]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive, blond, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"

[jyhugikuhih]

A young blonde went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" the doctor asked.
"All over," said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over? Be more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts!"
Then she touched her left cheek and yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too."
Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts," she cried.
The doctor observed her thoughtfully and asked, "Are you a natural blonde?"
"Why, yes."
"I thought so. You have a oken finger."

[jyhugikuhih]

How can you tell when a fax has been sent from a blonde?
There's a stamp on it

[jyhugikuhih]

lol some more
Why did the blondes stare at the orange juice for two hours?
The label said concentrate
Why did the blonde drive around the block ten times?
Her turn signal was stuck


Q. How does a blonde try to kill a fish?
A. She drowns it.

Q. A blonde is going to London on a plane. How can you steal her window seat?
A. Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

[jyhugikuhih]

IMG height=460 src="http:www.digitaldreamdoor.comimages_gabiscuit s.gif" width=342 vspace=4 border=1 005c5c 005c5c face=Verdana 3300ccgirl came skipping home from school one day.BRBR"Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"BRBR"Very good," said her mother.BRBR"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked.BRBR"Yes, It's because your blonde."BRBRThe next day the girl came skipping home from school.BRBR"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids said up to D, but I said it up to G. See?BRA,B,C,D,E,F,G!"BRBR"Very good," said her mother.BRBR"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"BRBR"Yes, It's because your blonde."BRBRThe next day the girl came skipping home from school.BRBR"Mommy Mommy!" she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we were showering, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" BRBRShe lifted up her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.BRBR"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.BRBR"Is it because I'm Blonde, Mommy?"BRBR"No Honey, Its because you're 24."