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Old 10-10-2007, 05:58 PM   #1
lorrieholdridge

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Default The pain of living & being lonely
i typed up a long load of ramble earlier, but i decided not to post it.

basically the pain of living feels too much at times.

and the loneliness, the isolation feels too much to bare.

the demons of low self-esteem seem too much to overcome. when i've tried to do things in the past, my nerves/ anxiety get in the way, causing a mental block. i've never really got over some of the bad experiences i had growing up, at school, etc not because i can't put it behind me, but because those things have played a part in who i am today; in molding me if you like.

at times i find things which give me strength.

and when i write, it helps me to connect with my higher self.

but other times, it all comes back to what i have said. i am here, i am lonely, i am isolated and have never found an outlet in which to achieve anything or express myself creatively. i want to reach out to people, to help make a difference in the world but i feel helpless to do this, especially with depression in the way- depression directly related to loneliness/ isolation. when i was a little girl, the thing which gave my soul the most joy was singing, but i just wasn't born with a strong enough voice to make anything of.

i just feel trapped.

i'm sorry for whining.

i'm just worried that there might not be a real cure for any of this.

my twin self didn't incarnate at this time. well, that's good for him, but how do i make it alone? i'm just not strong like some people. at the end of the day, i'm a big baby and need intimacy. if i don't have it, i feel i'm dying inside.
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Old 10-11-2007, 06:16 AM   #2
corsar-caribean

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"the pain of living." now where have i heard that before? in my reading! thanks, david.

dude, i've felt it too. i've also felt it as "the pain of separation from god."

the key to depression is to separate yourself from it long enough - by whatever healthy means you find necessary - to teach yourself that it isn't an intrinsic part of your personality. once you learn that it's something you go through, not something you are, you can recognize the triggers and take steps to interrupt the spells when they start to come on.

in my case, 5-htp, magnesium supplements, and a gym membership worked (and still work) wonders. moving to a new country helped as well.

i've also never really gotten over hs or college. memories and regrets still manage to fight their way up into my consciousness, often at the most inappropriate times. most of them concern errors i made or people that i hurt, that would have been easily avoided had i had somebody to encourage and socialize me properly instead of parents who spent most of their time fighting with each other and leaving me to hide from the noise in my room alone. i started to get healthy the minute i left the house, but i was so far behind by that time that i still made (and make) a lot of stupid mistakes. i don't blame myself anymore - those around me might have thought i was ill-intentioned, but the fact of the matter is i just didn't know what i was doing because i had never had people to interact with before.

but still, the memories come back and i'm left sighing, "what a waste of opportunity that was." and i mourn the lost opportunity. and i start feeling depressed ohmigod i'm getting depressed now just thinking of it. time for some exercise, natural sunlight, and fresh air!

just remember: you're not native like these people. they've developed antibodies to the coarseness of this existence that you weren't born with. you need to put forward extra effort not to let this world suck you down like the swamps of despair in the neverending story. devote some time to yourself. go do something that makes you - and only you - happy. connect with people. if you can't do that, find out what you can do to make people want to connect with you (i know this is technically sts philosophy but living in a mixed-polarity density means adopting mixed-polarity measures sometimes). good luck and keep writing - we know what it's like!
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Old 10-11-2007, 07:03 AM   #3
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how do you know your twin flame didn't incarnate? you might meet him in the future. i'm not saying for sure....but this seems to be a big deal for you and important for you
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Old 10-14-2007, 11:04 PM   #4
lorrieholdridge

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*************edited************
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Old 10-15-2007, 01:44 PM   #5
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i am connected to you for we are ... the community you long for is here. your heart is connected already. i am connected too. i remember once living in community in madoon house combermere. penny was a quiet member of the community who always stood at on e spot in the dining room. she went away and everytime i looked at the spot where she stood i sae penny by her absence. i think i go through many reminders in life that i am more than this expereince. it sometimes come across as the absence and pain of what is missing meaning it is there just away for a time! how long , i don't know... that is a mystery. penny came back. the lesson remained in my heart. whayt i missed was alwys present , i did not know how to interpret it!
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Old 10-15-2007, 07:22 PM   #6
lorrieholdridge

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beautiful words, thank you.
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Old 10-16-2007, 12:28 AM   #7
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you took the words right out of my mouth. i have felt that paralyzing depression and that "can't stand to look anybody in the eye" low self esteem. i have a couple of points for thought:

1. it is this very depression which has pushed you to seek answers and led you to find this site. if your life had been happy-go-lucky and normal you most likely would not have become so wise, and come to understand what the earth is going through and what your role in that is to be.

2. something that really helped me was to go see a homeopathic practitioner. she talked with me for about an hour and she chose the right remedy for my particular emotional situation. it has really calmed me down and helped to allow me to open up a little more. it works with your energy and vibrations and has been a great help to me.

it seems that right now we are in a pressure cooker that is forcing us to look inwards and pushing us to our breaking point. in my heart i believe we are not given anymore than we can handle. i hope that helps and i am connected and understand your pain.
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Old 11-10-2007, 11:53 AM   #8
lorrieholdridge

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i will keep writing. thank you for holding my hand through this. i really appreciate it right now.

i started to get healthy the minute i left the house, but i was so far behind by that time that i still made (and make) a lot of stupid mistakes. i don't blame myself anymore - those around me might have thought i was ill-intentioned, but the fact of the matter is i just didn't know what i was doing because i had never had people to interact with before. thank you heaps for sharing this with me. it certainly helps to know i am not entirely alone in these experiences. my story is very similar to this one.
i try not to blame myself but it isn't always easy. i go through these moments periodically where i just seem to beat myself up or feel that there is no way out.

the most difficult thing is not feeling able to truly fit in, through lack of achievement, personal circumstances and having had a slightly vagrant lifestyle since i left home at 17 (i was desperate to leave much earlier than this). i wasn't homeless or anything, thankfully, but have drifted in and out of different things, never truly finding a place to belong. then when i was still trying to figure out what to do, i became pregnant which i know is no-one else's fault......i didn't plan it, but then again i wasn't being careful enough; i'd been in this relationship for several years with a person who has certain commitment issues, even though he is faithful in a physical sense.....he is older than me, but i feel younger in the soul. he reminds me of peter pan, someone who never really wanted to "grow up" or conform. anyhow, the more i am truer to myself and rediscover my spiritual side, the more i find we are totally different (he is totally close-minded). this is something i have been feeling recently in my life, even though it has been dragging on for quite some time. we don't live together anyway, as that didn't work out. but he is a great father and has been my only support network, so i am going to have to look for another support system, if i can reach out to people. i may even have to look at getting a job, though the main thing for me is that my two little boys are happy. and i have to find strength in myself if i am to be strong for them.

i've always been able to form close friendships.....but i've never really got the hang of forming lots of friendships or having lots of friends. the trouble is, when one places all their eggs in one basket, so to speak, and one day looses the whole thing, it's very difficult to carry on in emptiness, not knowing what the future may hold....just not knowing.

sometimes i think if i could just close my eyes and wake up to find myself as a member of a peaceful, spiritual native community living in harmony with nature, then i would feel like i truly belong, and all my problems would be solved.

one thing i've realized since writing this, is that it is time to work on these "demons" (metaphorically) inside me.....to really work on overcoming them. that way i can put them right behind me for once and for all!


understanding,
thank you for your caring optimism on that subject.

later, dudes!
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Old 11-10-2007, 08:11 PM   #9
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hi ameliejolie,

there have been a lot of posts lately about loneliness and hopelessness and feelings of paralysis as if movement toward any goal is just a futile effort. i have been in that fugue state. it is as if you’re stuck inside some thick mass that, although odorless and colorless, is as real as a pool full of molasses that you are constantly trying to climb out of.

the amount of postings lately describing these feelings is good; it always helps to write it out and it definitely benefits other readers. but i’m a bit worried about the timing. in autumn people seem to be subconsciously dreading the “long, cold winter.” in these months, it is vital to seek the sun whenever possible and find a green plot to enjoy, even if it means planting or potting an evergreen in or near your home.

i can totally identify with your feelings of isolation and loneliness and have finally managed not to let those feelings depress me. here are a few things that have helped me:

1. whenever i feel stuck, useless, and alone i remind myself that i chose to incarnate into this world at this time and that as long as i’m alive, i have something to contribute. it sounds like you have a very, very important job. you are a mommy! and the fact that you want to make your boys happy is a great thing (i have two boys, too). can you imagine that your boys chose to be with you at this time? (there are truly no accidents : ) can you imagine the amazing gift you can give them that your parents were probably unable to give you – a true understanding of the universe and their place in it?

remember that at this very moment, you are helping to birth the very community you speak of. remember how it was with your babies. even if the thought crossed your mind, you did not give up in the midst of labor and leave the birthing and loving to someone else. it was and is painful, but that open-heart feeling you get when you hold their little faces in your hands and look at their precious eyes is the feeling we can look forward to as we move into the higher dimensions.
2. i never, never compare myself to other people and what they have “accomplished.” this is a very damaging thing to do because it will always seem that others are doing much more than you and that they’re doing it better. in the law of one, ra never diminishes even the smallest of accomplishments (remember, simply meeting a "stranger’s" eyes and smiling is an accomplishment. birthing and loving your babies is a huge accomplishment : ). also, if singing makes you happy, then sing like a bird. you are, in fact, making something of it because it makes you happy. just imagine the beautiful shapes you are creating with the sound of your voice. you don’t have to sound like (insert your favorite vocalist here!)
3. i also have few friends. but i know myself: having more friends would only scatter me more. i would probably find myself bending and swaying to their moods, concerns, and needs, ultimately sucking me more into 3-d and causing me to feel more alone. for now i am content to feel connected through sites such as this, through my dream state activities, in waking moments when i can be of service, and in the knowing of what lies ahead in the higher realms. remember, even when we feel alone, it is impossible to ever truly be physically alone. (it’s a good thing this forum does not include live chat because i suspect a lot of us would become addicted to it and never get our mundane 3-d tasks accomplished!)

4. in times when your soul needs something more than the kinds of things you might find here, let your intuition guide you to things that can help. for me these things vary widely—anything from watching sesame street (seriously) and reading dr. seuss (seriously) to reading the wind in the willows, hawthorne (who can help feel connected to the now), and william faulkner.

thanks for sharing.
much love to you.
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Old 11-12-2007, 03:12 AM   #10
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thank you for this thread - i can so relate to all of your situations, thoughts and feelings!
now i know i'm with friends - i've been looking for you for a while...you know how hard it is to be 'different'/the odd one out in a family (or everywhere you go as a matter of fact).
my favourite line from a song is "i'm just a soul who's intentions are good - oh lord please don't let me be misunderstood!" - 'cause i have been (a lot).
i've also beat myself up for past errors and still have moments of crushing guilt about things i've done/not done...still working on forgiving self and living in the now instead of past/future.
i really appreciate this advice -

i never, never compare myself to other people and what they have “accomplished.” this is a very damaging thing to do because it will always seem that others are doing much more than you and that they’re doing it better. in the law of one, ra never diminishes even the smallest of accomplishments (remember, simply meeting a "stranger’s" eyes and smiling is an accomplishment. oh how often i fall in to this 'i'm not good enough' way of thinking - but i sometimes feel good too that i have been able to brighten someone's life with a random act of kindness...i just hope it's 'enough'!

i would be interested in knowing for sure whether i am a 'wanderer' - could anyone help me find more info about this subject please?
in the meantime -
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Old 11-12-2007, 03:15 AM   #11
crestorinfo

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- sorry - hit post reply before i finished! -
thank you - for being here and listening...i love you (i guess that means i love me?? well i'm getting there)

kathy
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Old 11-13-2007, 10:57 AM   #12
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http://www.llresearch.org/main.htm

click on the book cover at the bottom of page...


just thought i'd add the direct link to the wanderer's handbook.
great excerpts in the first few chapters that are available to peruse : )

glossary for a wanderer’s handbook

foreword: am i a wanderer?

chapter one: being a wanderer

stories
paranormal experiences
ufos in waking and dream state
with a little help from my friends
not belonging
not from around here!

chapter two: the anatomy of separation

separation from family
control issues
physical illness
purpose
mind games

chapter three: agenbite of inwit: persistence of pain

self-doubt
pride and surrender
elitism
psychic greeting
despair
inside the bell jar
spiritual exhaustion
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Old 11-13-2007, 03:47 PM   #13
plaiskegizils

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dear friend, i received a call from a friend and i broke down to tears. i seem to be getting more and more sensitive and breaking down to tears. these days .i prefer the tears because the anger is too painfull. i believe that as we are in the radiation zone that david's theories indicate that our souls will also intensify in their receptivity and responses. this is going to cause some flooding , cleansing and perhaps at times overwhelming emotional upheaveal. it is a reflection of the very response's of our planet our " soul mother " for no other name . i believe we are experiencing the same radiation spiritually as we are physically. they are not separate. it means we need to help each other by holding hands like little children and holding on with love , forgetting the words and what not ,they are temporal; love , true love ,the genlte holding of the hands is far more effective and says much more what it means . i am here , i am with you , wait , relax and don't go running off to this or that. stay with me , i know what you need , i am here.

i am in some emotional pain and saddness, broken hearted. i went to see the chiropodist about my soles, dry , pained with the second digit and a fancy word pronation of my big digit toe.i broke down and cried to the chiropodist that what really is the matter is my broken heart! he listened so tenderly. i have no idea why i broke down in his presence. this seems to be happening to me often. it could be anticipatory grief , my dad is dying with pancreatic cancer and we can do nothing more for him. as well we have a long distnace relationship one that has healed with forgivness but functions best by phone . when he passes our mutual contract will be completed and i feel that there is no more that i want to live for , since so much of what i wanted was tied to the unfullfiled family life that was devasted by alcoholism,cancer, death, divorce and mental illness. our collective patterns were so shattering that i am undone as to what beauty there could be in such a shattering. yet beauty there is for they were all agreed upon contracts before this life to full fill this work for the most growth spiritually for all of us concerned. that baffels my consciousness, i could never dsay that till now! my soul can only weep as it needs too! sorrow and tears are gracious gifts of being true sorrow , not maudlin.
dear friend i pray we are onthe same page if not at least in the same canoe and if not we are near by any way i send my small hand out to you hold on we are going throught this together, hold my hand !
kenneths149
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Old 11-13-2007, 05:08 PM   #14
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it is so nice to see other souls step up and care for you and give what advice they can. this is the true meaning of life. i think there are many that feel this way and it should be a red flag. like one person said, you would not seek to experience the truth if you were not feeling this pain. the pain is real; it is in us, mother earth and universe. we as a people have let the truth loose our grips. it is neither my fault nor yours. maybe at one time, who knows? we are co-creators of our existence. this is the greatest power you have. as you learn and realize that your thoughts are you and create the experience you see and how much power truly lies with in you. this life is truly a miracle and we are blessed to be in it. it doesn't matter if it is here or somewhere else. life is energy and it will always be. i am not here to give you advice yet i would love for you to call out to yourself to remember who you are. it is in you and you are connected to all. what you resist..persist. you are love and everything else is an illusion that has covered that up about yourself. may you find peace...may we all!!!!
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Old 11-15-2007, 10:33 AM   #15
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dear friends,
thank you so much for the welcome and the link to the book - i am going to buy it - i'm sure it will help me.
love and caring thoughts are with all who grieve, are depressed, lonely and/or ill.
kathy
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Old 11-17-2007, 12:05 PM   #16
lorrieholdridge

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i can't thank you all enough for your kind words.

i'm going to look into ordering that "wanderer's handbook".

if i think about all the things i am into, i realize i just have to be from "out and beyond".

for example, some of my favorite movies are k-pax, the man who fell to earth and powder (esp. powder).

have a nice weekend, everybody.
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Old 11-18-2007, 10:49 PM   #17
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thank you so much for the welcome and the link to the book - i am going to buy it - i'm sure it will help me.
kathy
i'm going to look into ordering that "wanderer's handbook".
hi kathy and ameliejolie;
i think it's wonderful, if you want to buy this great book, to support the authors for all they have done. however it is completely free in it's entirety, on their website to read or download. so while i am not trying to discourage anyone buying the book, because it is also nice to have an actual physical copy, i just wanted you to be aware that the pdf versions of this and all the ra books are free.
for example, some of my favorite movies are k-pax, the man who fell to earth and powder (esp. powder).
yes, indeed, i loved k-pax and powder, and don't forget 'the matrix' trilogy, altho i liked the first one best.
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Old 11-18-2007, 11:26 PM   #18
lorrieholdridge

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i've just listened to david wilcock's "what is my purpose" reading.

i am blown away.

i feel all light.

thank you, david.

such beautiful music too......really, really soothing.

if any of you who may be reading this have been troubled as i have, this reading really does help.


love and light to all!
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Old 11-19-2007, 04:31 PM   #19
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hi ameliejolie,

have you found out your purpose for coming to this earth yet? i personally believe that everyone of us who is spiritually evolved has to live through fairly difficult lives. treat this live as a challenge. be strong.

personally, i do feel lonely as my soulmate and i will only be united when we get older. too many 'coincidences' have informed me of this. anyway, i still strive on because i am aware of my soul purpose and it gives me energy and strength.

for me, i am supposed to be working on my business now. thus, i use it to numb myself whenever i feel lonely.

good luck ameliejolie.
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Old 11-21-2007, 08:49 AM   #20
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i also bought 'what is my purpose?' - and i don't know why - because a couple of years ago - after several enormous life challenges which pushed me to the edge of suicide, i had a revelation about what my purpose might be - and the following words came through....

'i am so grateful that now i know who i really am - and why i am here. this aspect of my infinite self is here to be of service to others. i am a facilitator - i am here to assist others with their spiritual growth. none of these experiences are about me - i am just here to provide the support that people need to achieve their growth. i do not have to achieve anything - i am a volunteer. my responsibility is to maintain my physical vehicle and emotional stability so as to fulfil my role. therefore, i am able to remain in a position of compassionate observation and to remain unattached to outcomes. thus, i exemplify peace and love. this is my life purpose.'

at the time this was of great comfort to me and gave me a measure of acceptance about everything - but now i quite often question whether this is a 'cop out'? i know it's because of conditioning that people 'should have a job' (something those challenges took away from me) - and i guess it's hard for me to just 'be' instead of 'do'...
anyway, i'm still here, so i know there must be a reason - and i'd like to believe it's what came to me.
can anyone else relate to any of this?
with love to all,
kathy
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