[yatrahnualenu]

Turns out I'm not as ready as I thought. So I went and met several dogs today and none really were what we were looking for. A lot of the older dogs they weren't sure if they were good with kids, and the puppies were really cute but none really clicked.

We also dropped off Troubles stuff. And when we left I had a total breakdown. I realized any dog I were to get at this time wouldn't be good enough, because all I want is Trouble. I feel so much guilt over Troubles death. I really feel like I killed him. Everyone says that it was the right thing to do and that it took a lot of courage to do what was best for him. But to me it feels like I was holding a loaded gun and I was the one that pulled the trigger. I know he was sick and I know he wasn't getting better, but I keep thinking if I hadn't let him eat this or If I had done that or I had found a better vet. I feel so responsible for his dealth that the only thing I have felt for a month is guilt and anger. And all that came out today and I could see that when I had my little emotional breakdown. A lot of buried feelings I think surfaced today. He wasn't even 3 yet.
I realized that if I were to get a dog it would basically be to fill the void left by Trouble and to some how be playing make up. And I'm afraid, even though I wouldn't mean to, that I would find myself comparing the new dog to Trouble.
So its definately too soon.

And my gosh what was I thinking I just got done with the puppy stage, I don't think I'm ready for the chewing, the barking, the whining, the pooping, the peeing, etc. I love puppies but I love my well trained adult dog even more. I really wanted another dog but its obviously not the right time.

So for now I am going to hold off, it seems I have a lot to deal with and get past. But instead of calling it a breakdown, maybe we should call it a breakthrough. I do look forward to bringing another dog into my home, especially for when my daughter is older and able to help and learn about being a responsible dog owner. But for now I think I'm an content to just have Sasha. I think it just took me going down there to realize I wasn't ready.