[doctorzlo]

I am going to retire in July, and OHHH! I am SO looking forward to it!

:-))

See why:



Why I Love Retirement


How many days in a week?

6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday


When is a retiree’s bedtime?

Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.


How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but it might take all day.


What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?

Not enough time to get everything done.


Why don’t retirees mind being called “senior citizens?”

The term comes with a discount.


What is considered formal attire among retirees?

Shoes with laces.


Why do retirees count pennies?

They have the time.


What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?

Nuts!


Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?

As soon as they do, one of their kids will want to store stuff there.


What do retirees call a long lunch?

Normal.


What is the best way to describe retirement?

The neverending coffee break.


What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?

If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.


Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?

He is too polite to tell the whole truth.


What do you do all week?

Monday to Friday, nothing; Saturdays and Sundays, I rest!

[Drugmachine]

A Comparison Of Early 21st Century Religious Theory


Catholicism
He who denies himself the most toys wins.

Anglican
They were our toys first.

Greek Orthodox
No, they were OURS first.

Polytheism
There are many toy makers.

Evolutionism
The toys made themselves.

Baptist
Once played, always played.

Church of Christ Scientist
We are the toys.

Communism
Everyone gets the same number of toys and you go straight to hell if we catch you selling yours.

Baha’i
All toys are just fine with us.

Amish
Toys with batteries are surely a sin.

Taoism
The doll is as important as the dump truck.

Hedonism
To heck with the rulebook. Let’s play!

Hinduism
He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals loses.

7th Day Adventist
He who plays with his toys on Saturday loses.

Church of Christ
He whose toys make music loses.

Calvinist
Once played, always played.

Jehovah’s Witnesses
He who sells the most toys door-to-door wins.

Pentecostalism
He whose toys can talk wins.

Existentialism
Toys are a figment of your imagination.

Confucianism
Once a toy is dipped in the water it is no longer dry.

Non-denominationalism
We don’t care where the toys came from, let’s just play with them.

Atheism
There is no toy maker.

Agnosticism
It is not possible to know whether toys make a bit of difference.

Branch Davidians
He who dies playing with the biggest toys wins.

Mormonism
Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.

Voodoo
Let me borrow that doll for a second.

Apathy
Toys? Why do I need toys?

Judaism
I’m selling toys. You buying?

Church of Scientology
Toys ‘R’ Us.

Pantheism
The universe is one great big toy.

Capitalism
He who dies with the most toys wins.

Hare Krishna
He who plays with the most toys wins.

[Paul Bunyan]

A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint.

He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious.

"You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family and I have the power and money to give you anything you desire as a reward."

The golfer glances at his golf bag. "Some new golf clubs would be nice," he says.

Two weeks later, the sheikh's secretary calls him up."We've got your golf clubs," she says, "but the sheikh would like to apologise to you in advance: only three of them have swimming pools."

[NeroASERCH]

(Keeping the golf theme going)

A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland stream on the St Andrews course.

A groundskeeper shouts, "Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's shite an pish!"

The golfer replies, "My good fellow, I'm from England. Could you repeat that for me, in English?"

The keeper shouts, "I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way."

[softy54534]

To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words:
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all
Heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know
The difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being
Met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, Are
You still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
Smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and
Slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say,
You're next, Chubby.

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

[Lt_Apple]

PMSL, quite accurate!

[S.T.D.]

A misguided Taliban commander handed himself into Afghan police in an attempt to claim the $100 reward being offered for his capture.

Mohammad Ashan, a mid-level commander wanted for his role in at least two attacks on security forces, approached police at a checkpoint in Paktika province with his wanted poster in hand.

Pointing to his picture on the poster, Ashan demanded he be paid the reward money, the Washington Post reports.

Stunned American forces, who came to confirm the insurgent's identity, said Ashan was keen to confirm his identity and pocket the money.

When asked if the picture on the poster was him, Ashan replied, "Yes, yes, that's me! Can I get my award now?" Specialist Matthew Baker told the Post.

The American troops confirmed Ashan’s identity with a biometric scan.

While happy he was in custody, US officials couldn't help but take a swipe at the prisoner's questionable intelligence.

One called Ashan "the Taliban equivalent of the Home Alone burglars", while another simply said "the man is an imbecile". http://news.ninemsn.com.au/world/845...for-100-reward

So why are we having so much trouble beating them? lolz ....

[Lt_Apple]

So why are we having so much trouble beating them?
Ummm, 'cos there's about 1.5 BILLION of them, and several MILLIONS of that lot who wouldn't mind dying for the cause?

[NeroASERCH]

Q: How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships?
A: On the rocks


Q: What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships?
A: Leeks


Q: What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship?
A: Follow the captain


When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going he replied "off course."


So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock. That's more than can be said for his ship.


The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.


Q: What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia?

A: Nothing - The bottoms dropped out of both.

[softy54534]

Q: What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship?
A: Follow the captain

The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.

LOL.

Saw a picture of him the other day that said "Still a better captain than Nick Maxwell." Will have to try and find it.

[PhillipHer]

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v...q=medium#t=125

[NeroASERCH]

[Lt_Apple]

This is pretty cool actually...

Einstein vs Stephen Hawking - Epic Rap Battles of History #7

[HedgeYourBets]

My thanks to Louis Sachar for this delightful conundrum.
Name all 26 pets present on Pet Day.

PET DAY
All the kids in Mrs. Jewls's class brought a pet to school. The room was very noisy. Dogs barked. Cats meowed. A frog croaked. A pig squealed. A cow mooed. Birds tweeted.
Mrs. Jewls held up two fingers.
All the animals became quiet.
Stephen didn't have a pet. So he brought an orange. He kept it in a cage on his desk so it couldn't escape.
Todd brought Ralphie, his baby brother.
"Todd?" said Mrs. Jewls.
Todd barked.
"You cannot have a pet human," said Mrs. Jewls.
"He doesn't bite," Todd assured her.
Joy told Todd to sit and be quiet.
Mrs. Jewls got a large piece of poster board from the supply closet. "Let's make a chart," she said.
Across the top of her chart she wrote, "Name of Kid," "Kind of Pet," "Name of Pet."
She started with Deedee. She wrote "Deedee" under "Name of Kid." "And you have a dog," she said.
"Cat," said Deedee.
"Cat?" asked Mrs. Jewls.
Deedee nodded as she petted her dog.
Mrs. Jewls moved on to Ron. "Ron, I see you have a cat."
"Dog," said Ron, as he stroked the cat on his lap.
Mrs. Jewls shrugged. "Okay," she said. "He's my dog," said D.J.
"Ron has your dog?" asked Mrs. Jewls. "Ron has a cat," said D.J.
"That's what I thought," said Mrs. Jewls. "But what -"
"What's a dog," said Jenny.
Mrs. Jewls covered her ears and shook her head. "Let's start all over again," said Mrs. Jewls. She got a new piece of poster board from the supply closet.
"Mac, what's your dog's name?"
"What's my dog's name," said Jenny.
"I'm not talking to you, Jenny. I'm talking to Mac."
"He can't talk," said Mac.
"Who can't talk?" asked Mrs. Jewls.
"Mac," said Mac.
Billy barked at Mac.
Mac barked at Billy.
Todd barked at both of them.
Joy made Todd lie down by her feet.
Mrs. Jewls moved on. "What's your pet, Myron?" she asked.
"Your pet's a turtle," said Sharie.
"What?" asked Mrs. Jewls.
"What is Jenny's pet," said Sharie.
"Jenny's pet is a dog!" said Mrs. Jewls. "What's his name, Jenny?"
Jenny nodded. Her dog sat up straight and tall and seemed to smile at Mrs. Jewls.
"He's handsome," said Mrs. Jewls.
"My mouse is handsome," said Benjamin. Benjamin had a little white mouse in a cage on his desk.
"If you like mice," said Dana, making a face. "Mrs. Jewls likes mice," said Calvin. "She eats them."
"Gross!" said Dana.
"He won't come when you call him," said Kathy. "He doesn't know his name."
Billy meowed.
"Will Mrs. Jewls eat yogurt?" asked John. "No way!" said Calvin.
"I will too," said Mrs. Jewls. "I like yogurt. I like strawberry best."
Maurecia beamed. "Mrs. Jewls likes strawberry best," she bragged.
"You shouldn't pick favorites," complained. Dana.
"Do you like crackers, Mrs. Jewls?" asked Rondi.
"Don't worry," said Calvin. "Mrs. Jewls won't eat crackers."
"How do you know what I'll eat, Calvin?" asked Mrs. Jewls, a little annoyed. "I like eating crackers with cheese on top."
"Oh, gross!" said Myron.
"He won't come when you call him," Kathy said again.
"Mac! Keep Mac away from my socks!" shouted Allison.
"Wait," said Jason. "Now you've got my socks, and I've got your socks."
"I can tell the difference between my socks and your socks, Jason," said Allison.
Mrs. Jewls covered her ears and shook her head. She moved on. "What's your pet, Dameon?" she asked.
"I already told you he was a turtle," said Sharie.
"I wasn't talking to you, Sharie," said Mrs. Jewls. "I was talking to Dameon."
"Your nose a ferret," said Dameon.
"My nose a ferret?" asked Mrs. Jewls. "My nose a hamster," said Joe.
Billy bleated.
Mrs. Jewls licked her leg.
"Hey, Paul," said Leslie. "I like your pigtails." "Thanks," said Paul. "May I touch your pajamas?"
"Go ahead," said Bebe, who was already petting Leslie's pajamas. "She won't scratch you."
"This is crazy!" shouted Terrence.

Name all 26 pets.

[LottiFurmann]

.. it is crazy.. I only got to 20 and gave up.

[Fegasderty]

What animal makes the noise:

"ZUB" "Zub"?















A bee flying in reverse.

[brraverishhh]

What animal makes these noises:





"click" (999 times)



..... then "clock"?

















A millipede with a wooden leg.

[Slonopotam845]

>>What animal makes the noise:

Mark, Mark, Mark.

A dog with a hare lip.

[Paul Bunyan]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.

[NeroASERCH]

I saw the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing by my bed last night. At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.