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MUSICAL TERMS COMMONLY MISUNDERSTOOD BY COUNTRY AND WESTERN MUSICIANS WITH THEIR TRANSLATED "COUNTRY" DEFINITIONS:

12 tone scale: the thing that the State Police weigh your tractor-trailer with.

A 440: the highway that runs around Nashville.

Aeolian Mode: How you like mama's cherry pie.

Altos: Not to be confused with 'Tom's toes, 'Bubbba's toes' or 'dori-toes'.

Arpeggio: "Ain't that the storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"

Bach Chorale: The place behind the barn where you keep the horses.

Bass: The things you run around in softball.

Bassoon: Typical response when asked what you hope to catch and when.

Big Band: When the bar pays enought to hire two banjo players.

Bossa Nova: The car your foreman drives.

Cadenza: the ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off when company arrives.

Cello: The proper way to answer the phone.

Clarinet: Name for your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo.

Clef: what you try to never fall off of.

Bass Clef: Where you wind up if you do fall off.

Conductor: The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham.

Cut Time: Parole.

Cymbal: What they use on deer-crosssing signs so you know what to sight in your pistol with.

Diminished 5th: An empty bottle of Jack Daniels.

1st inversion: Grandpa's battle group at Normandy.

Major Scale: What you say after chasing a deer up the mountain; "Whew! That was a major scale!"

Melodic Min: Loretta Lynn's singing dad.

Minor 3rd: Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling.

Order of sharps: What a wimp gets at the bar.

Passing tone: Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues.

Perfect 5th: A full bottle of Jack Daniels.

Perfect pitch: The smooth coating on a newly paved road.

Pianissimo: "Refill the beer bottle"

Portamento: A foreign country you've always wanted to see.

1/4 tone: What most standard pick-ups can haul.

Relative Major: An uncle in the Marine Corps.

Relative minor: A girlfriend.

Repeat: What you do until they just expel you.

Ritard: there's one in every family.

Sonata: What you get from a bad cold or hay fever.

Staccato: How you did all your ceilings in your mobile home.

Tempo: Good choice for a used car.

Time signature: What you need from your boss if you forgot to clock in.

Transpositions: Men who wear dresses.

Treble: Women ain't nothing but.

Tuba: A compound word: "Hey woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"

Whole note: What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year.