[Bemapayople]

I have always been overweight, for as long as I can remember anyway.

I have a twin sister who also has always had a weight problem. Not that it's a defense, but I come from a long line of chunky people. All of my female cousins are large as well.

I remember sitting next to a girl in 3rd grade and thinking...my legs are as big around when I stand up as hers are when she sits down...I remember being 100 pounds in 4th grade.

I grew up around fat jokes. From my sister (we were horrid to each other, merciless), some from my dad, but alot from my grandmother. A favorite of hers was "they're almost as tall as they are round". She also referred to us as "well fed" quite often. She didn't mean to be hurtful, it's just the way she was.

My dad was also very over-protective. He was constantly telling us to go outside, but wouldn't let us leave the yard. Outside of gym, we didn't get a lot of exercise. We also weren't made to eat alot of vegetables. My grandparents owned a farm and I was raised on "okie" food - lots of fried stuff, red meat, etc.

We moved alot and making friends was very difficult. I figured out long ago that I'm an emotional eater. Being twins, we were regarded as freaks alot. That made me insecure. Well, that and the constant "joking". Eating made me feel better. Add that to very little exercise..well, it didn't go well.

I was 170 pounds my freshman year. The summer between freshman and sophomore year, we moved again. I decided since I was going to be in a new school, I was going to lose some weight over the summer. Well, it took more than just the summer. I basically starved myself down to about 135 over the course of the year. I'd have a carton of milk for lunch and whatever mom made for dinner. That was it. But it worked.

I kept that off until I met my ex-boyfriend my first year of college. I had just turned 18. Over the next almost 17 years, I gained about 120 pounds. It was a horrible relationship and I should have run after the first year, but I didn't. I grew up under the impression that fat girls were incredibly undesirable and you took what you got and were damn happy you found somebody who would be seen with you. He wasn't abusive per se. There were just alot of issues...and lots of fights. We'd argue, I'd leave, and find a drive-thru. KFC chicken nuggets were my favorite fight food.

Over the course of the time we were together, I tried to lose weight, thinking it would make him more interested in my physically. I went an entire summer eating WeighWatchers frozen stuff at lunch, riding a stationary bike 2 hours a night, and having chicken and rice for dinner. Every day. Lost nothing.

Then at some point about 7 years ago, I kinda just fell into low carb. Basically, I just stopped eating "side dishes"...no pasta, rice, potatoes. I ended up cutting alot of things out and lost about 40 pounds. Then we bought a house and things really went downhill. I ended up gaining it all back, but fortunately not more.

We split up *finally* about 3 years ago. I'd been in counseling and started taking anti-depressants and just...got brave, I guess. Funny thing, my counselor told me I had the lowest self esteem of anyone he'd ever met. He says that I use my size to keep people at a distance. Being overweight puts an extra layer between my and other people, an actual physical distance. As a result of my long-term disaster, I'm very distrustful of people and I guess it makes sense. Most men aren't attracted to overweight women so by being fat, I can keep them away from me and avoid putting myself in the same situation I was in for 17 years. Pathetic I know. It makes more sense to me than I'm explaining here.

I've just gotten to the point where I'm tired of having to pay extra for clothes just because they're a bigger size, having to go to special sections or stores to find things that fit, having to buy ugly stuff just because it fits. I got a small taste of it a few years ago and it was incredible.

It's also getting to the point where it seems that everybody I meet is pushing me to have gastric bypass surgery. I don't want to do that. If I have the surgery, I'm going to have to change the way I eat. So...by that logic, if I'm going to have to change my eating habits anyway, why throw a surgery in there??

Anyway..I'm trying. I have very little willpower and have bounced on and off since January. I hadn't gained back anything I lost until I tried Weight Watchers. I guess in my "off" times, I was still doing better than I thought. I started back up last Wednesday and have almost lost the 8 I put on. There have been some rough things going on at work for the last 6 weeks or so and it's been really hard to not just give in completely, even though I wasn't really following the diet like I should have been. So here we go again.

Ugh...sorry for the length.