[Cyclicymn]

Before writing this, I thought a lot about my history with weight and eating and I think the two factors that play hand-in-hand with my eating problems are 1) eating as a defense mechanism (sorry about the psychobabble, Kyp; for me that's the truth) and 2) a sensitivity to carbohydrates that approaches an allergy that aggravates the first factor.

First, I know about allergies. I was born with a whopper, an allergy to milk. Kids born much before me died from this, it was known as "summer complaint". Well, I was a skinny baby until my folks found a nutritional substitute named Soybe. I'm grateful to the stuff, it saved my life. But after that I always carried some extra weight.

I don't know when I first started associating happiness or, at least, freedom from emotional pain with food but I am sure it took a good hold by the time I was 11. That was when my family stopped moving and the ways I dealt with the world before (I avoided homework and treated my peers as an audience) didn't work any more. My weight increased and fluctuated well over the amount I should have had all the way through high school.

After that, my weight fluctuated wildly though mostly up over the next three decades depending on my mood and whether or not I had a strong supportive female figure who was willing to coach me and help me discipline myself. (My mother, my grandmother and my mother-in-law in turn each helped me lose enough so I would not have been considered overweight). When the stress from whatever unpleasant situation became more than I could handle, I would overeat. And almost always, my foods of choice were high carbohydrate.

In the 70's, I thought 155 was (for me) mega-huge. By the year 2000, I was topping in the early 220's. Although, by that time, I had been through several weight loss programs (WW, Tops, OA, exercise, laxatives, counting calories, etc) and had learned how imperative it was that I feed only the hunger of the body. Still, I couldn't stop abusing carbohydrates in response to stress. I didn't realize then (my food journals were never that detailed) that instead of comforting me, the carbs I ingested to dull the emotion only increased my vulnerability to further compulsive eating. I thought my emotional instabilities came from chronic depression and tried to cope as best I could.

Since I've started limiting my carbohydrate intake, not only have I lost weight, my emotional life has changed. (I had to check this with DH since I'm not the best judge of my reactions. However he is impartial as well as extremely kind and he verifies this). My emotional reactions no longer seem to overwhelm my ability to deal with situations. Situations or people that formerly upset me or sent me into a tailspin don't bother me now, or at least don't interfere with my resolve to remain healthy. Because of this change, my compulsion to eat in response to emotional stress as subsided in its frequency, intensity and duration. The techniques I've learned for dealing with difficult situations or people come to hand more easily and (I know this sounds silly) I just feel more grown up! I am becoming my own strong support, with the help and friendship of the members here.

To me, an allergy is an unnatural reaction to a natural substance. In that definition, I have an allergy to too many carbohydrates. As long as I limit my exposure to the substance, I have reason to believe I can change my older destructive patterns of behavior.