[MeatteCen]

I grew up on a farm in Wisconsin, doing lots of farm work, like raking hay, carrying pails of water to the livestock, milking cows by hand, etc. People described me as a "sturdy" girl. In the era of Twiggy (the first supermodel), that wasn't very flattering. I was also the first in my class to begin to develop, if you know what I mean. So, when I compared myself to the skinny little girls, I felt fat. I wasn't actually fat at that point, but I think that by believing I was fat, I began to act fat.

When I was fourteen, I got a job as a live-in babysitter so I could live in town instead of on the farm. I used the money I earned to buy snacks, teen magazines, make-up and clothes. I began to gain weight. I was not working hard anymore and I was eating whatever I felt like eating. By the time I was a sophomore in high school, I weighed 156 lbs. I was only about 20 lbs overweight, but I was very self-conscious about it.

I had a crush on a guy at school, so I joined Weight Watchers and lost most of the excess weight. Then I started dating and kept the weight off until after high school, when I got married and then got pregnant. When my doctor examined me for the first time, he said that my hips were absolutely perfect for giving birth. I felt like a cow.

We moved to Seattle when I was eight months pregnant.

I gained about 60 lbs during my pregnancy and joined TOPS (Take Off Pounds Sensibly) when my baby was about a month old, and I lost the weight. I kept it off until I got pregnant again. I gained about 75 lbs with that child. I found it much harder to lose the weight afterwards. For the next twelve years, I gained and lost the same 50 pounds over and over again. Then, my marriage started to deteriorate and I lost weight, got contacts, got new clothes, etc., to try to save my marriage. It didn't work, but I looked great when we finally separated!

Unfortunately, I began to eat to entertain myself, squash anxiety, treat myself when I felt bad, just about any excuse. I gained about 80 pounds in three years. I remember showing someone a picture of myself from three years earlier, and he looked at the photo and at me, not believing I was the same person. I was really embarrassed and it was a wake-up call for me.

I went back to school to get a Master's degree, and also went on a diet. I remember being so proud when I got below 200 lbs. I graduated about the same time. Both of my kids were grown by then. I kept losing weight slowly, and it seemed to go faster when I moved to California. I bought a bike and walked or rode my bike just about everywhere. I got down to about 165 pounds.

Then I got a different job. It was very stressful, required long hours, supervising difficult people, and involved lots of responsibility. I stopped exercising and having fun. I started using food to deal with unpleasant emotions again. I started gaining weight.

Then I had an emergency operation, and another, and another, all surgeries in my stomach area. I felt like all my abdominal muscles had been disconnected from my body and inexpertly sewn back together. I had no muscle tone left. I couldn't exercise and didn't feel like it anyway. I got depressed and felt unattractive and stuffed myself. Over the next few years, I gained about 70 lbs.

I occasionally went on a diet, sometimes drinking only SlimFast or going very low calorie. As soon as I went off the diet, I gained all the weight back and more.

Then a co-worker told me about Atkins. She was a great little coach. I went on Atkins and lost about 50 lbs. I also started yoga, but I tried to do too much too fast and hurt my back. That slowed down my exercise. I stalled in my weight loss and gave up on Atkins.

I started to gain weight again and within two years, I got up to over 250 pounds. Then I was laid off from my job, the first time I had ever been unemployed. I was out of work for less than a month, but I did a lot of soul-searching during that time.

When I found a new job, for the first time I was not working for a non-profit organization. My previous jobs had all been working for schools, universities and social service agencies. Now, I was in a business environment and it was very competitive. I began to gain self-confidence and I wanted to fit in. I had two weeks off in December, and I used that time to take stock of myself and my life and future.

I wrote down goals for myself for the coming year, and broke them down into reasonable chunks. One of them was to lose my excess weight. I had been successful on Atkins, so I bought a copy of the book and read every page. I went on Induction on January 1 and haven't looked back since.

Looking back, I think I have a history of using food to avoid unpleasant things like tasks, boredom, fear, anxiety, loneliness. The short-term weight losses have often been for other people (especially guys) instead of myself. Also, I have had unrealistic expectations for myself. I will always be "sturdy" because I have a solid, strong bone structure. But it means I am unlikely to develop osteoporosis and break a hip when I'm 70. I will never be skinny, but I find it easier to look fit and athletic than some of my friends. And I know myself better now and am more secure in who I am and what I want from life.

That's my story. I've enjoyed reading others' history. I hope you enjoy mine.