[GrolmangHat27]

I don't know if a mod wants to move this to "Just for Fun," but I put it here because it has some good discussion points.

Also, there's foul language and crude humor. In other words, just me being me.

Why Democrats and Republicans Both Suck

Let’s say that someone asked you “So are you a stupid fucktard or a dickhead bitch-tits” How would this make you feel? You’d probably feel almost identical to how I feel when somebody asks “So what are you Stiffy, a Democrat or a Republican?” To me, that question is pretty much the same as the stupid fucktard / dickhead bitch-tits question. Except if you were to say “I’m neither a stupid fucktard nor a dickhead bitch-tits,” people would understand, and there really wouldn’t be much more to talk about. But when I say “I’m neither a Republican nor a Democrat,” it’s like I’ve just said I’m neither a male nor a female. People give me a look as if to say “OMGWTFBBQ?!?!111.” Most people don’t understand that when it comes to politics, you don’t have to register for either the Stupid Fucktard Party or the Dickhead Bitch-Tits Party.
I’m a Libertarian. I’m not here to tell you about that, though. Nobody really wants to hear my rants on how great they are. Instead, I will go on a tirade about how much liberals and conservatives piss me the fuck off.
Let’s start with the liberals. We’re going for the liberals first because they piss me off a hell of a lot more. They’re usually much more vocal about the fact that they’re stupid than conservatives are, hence, they are the ones most likely to piss me off. The conservative attitude is epitomized by the old man sitting in the mall sneering at the physical appearance of all the young people. It really isn’t so bad, because conservatives tend to keep to themselves, like the old man. Liberals are quite the contrast. Their attitude is much more flamboyant. If the old guy at the mall is conservatism, then liberalism is a drunk college student in a thong who puts one leg up on the old man’s bench to tea-bag him and then screams “Yeah, I’m gay, what’s it to ya?” It’s an apt metaphor. The point is that people of liberal persuasion are much more in-your-face, and therefore much more annoying.
Liberals support personal freedom, which is fine. Go, be a faggot. Choose whatever religion you want, as long it doesn’t involve sacrificing cute little kitties. Smoke pot. It’s not my business, really. But when you turn into a homo-fascist because you’re gay and everyone needs to know about it, that doesn’t fly. Why is it that every homosexual feels like they face some sort of great oppression? Sure, there’s a few douchebags in the south who would still like to lynch them in the name of God and canned Bud Light, but the vast majority of people aren’t going to care as long as the gays aren’t constantly talking about it. Until I start seeing “straight pride” parades and magazines devoted to “straight culture,” I don’t want people to say that gays just want to be left alone. Nobody is attacking gay’s ability to be gay, they’re just creating an opposition that simply doesn’t exist.
Speaking of groups who create opponents that don’t exist, I’d like to say a thing or two about blacks, who are overwhelmingly liberal. The entire black-liberal message is that societal oppression and deep-seated white racism is still holding them back, and because of this, they cannot succeed in this society. And who do they choose to advocate this message? That’s right, Jesse Jackson, a black man who was born into a poor family and now wears a suit on a daily basis and travels in a private jet. Given this, I’m prone to believe that the SAT isn’t “racially biased” after all. Liberals advocate lower standards for collegiate scholarships if the recipient is black. And conservatives are the racist ones?!?! I gotta give a big "What the fuck?" to that one.
The USA is filled with rags-to-riches tales, even for colored people. Every single one of them bares one thing in common, though: The people in them were willing to work hard. I love how liberal politicians will say that minimum wage just isn’t enough to raise a family on, and they say it as if they’ve made some kind of amazing revelation when the rest of legislature is saying “No shit, Sherlock.” Minimum wage is for acne-faced teenagers working at Burger King who only want enough money to gas up mom’s car after they use it and to buy more computer games. I got my first promotion to more than minimum wage at the age of 16, simply by showing up to work and not telling customers to go fuck themselves. I don’t want to hear any of this bullshit about how you cannot get ahead in this country. You can, and it’s pretty easy. You don’t even have to go to college. Essentially, the only reason to be a liberal is if you suck at, well... everything. Either that, or you’re hugely successful when you don’t deserve to be, and you feel guilty about it, therefore you and also everyone else should be forced to give something to the “less fortunate.” Yeah, I’m looking at you, Hollywood. Is it any wonder the vast majority of celebrities are liberals?
That’s not to say that there aren’t any conservatives in the celebrity world. Garth Brooks is a great example of a conservative celeb. His latest album, “I’m a Big Fat Asshole who Likes to Eat Freedom Fries” was quite successful.
There's one more element of liberalism must be addressed: Simply because a lot of college professors are liberals doesn’t meant that liberalism = smart, and is therefore great. “Those who can, do, and those who can’t, teach.” We’ve all heard that said before. A quick assessment of the political leanings of every successful business person should be indicative of this. A lot of college professors are draft-dodgers from the ‘Nam war anyway. Instead of going off to fight, they figured it was easier to stay in school. And once you’ve been in college for so long, you might as well just get a job there. It’s kind of like the regular in the bowling alley who is approached by the owner who says “You know, you’re in here so much, you might as well just work here.”
Let’s move on to the conservatives. Since I’ve used about one and a half pages for liberal-hate, they’re not going to get nearly as much shit, but a few things need to be addressed.
Most conservatives advocate economic freedom. I can’t really say that there’s anything wrong with that. But, much like the liberals believe in reverse-discrimination, conservatives tend to believe in “reverse welfare.” I don’t care what the reasoning is, but giving a multi-million dollar corporation tax dollars for ANY reason is not justified. Usually, when conservatives give out reverse welfare, it’s for some kind of “incentive,” like giving McDonald’s money to be able to implement a healthier, but more expensive way of making food while keeping the prices the same. (Completely fabricated example! Yay!) If this is really what the people wanted, they would say “Oh shit, this food is really bad for us, we should stop eating it,” and McD’s would be forced to do it the healthier way, and people would gladly pay more for it. But people clearly don’t give a shit. They’ll eat the crap as long as it’s dirt cheap and they don’t vomit while eating it. What conservatives politicians don’t understand is that people still end up paying for the more expensive food regardless of what “genius” program they implement... they just pay for it when they pay their taxes. I might be an economics major, but even a retarded 8-year-old could understand this. In this instance, the retarded 8-year-old would have a serious mental advantage over your typical Republican.
Furthermore, the Republican party really needs to forward the support letter they got from God to the rest of the world. A memo from the creator of all worlds is quite remarkable, but for some reason they won’t show it to us. In the last election, many Republicans were certain that Dubya was God’s choice for office. If this is true, then there’s really no question - God hates us. If Bush was God’s choice, then Bill Clinton must also have been God’s choice. This must mean that even God sees nothing wrong with a little “side action.”
All right, I think this has gone on for long enough. Just remember, in life, you don’t have to be a Stupid Fucktard nor a Dickhead Bitch-Tits. It doesn’t have to be that way with politics, either.